How to teach DH to 'SEE' what needs doing around the house?

[Othersideofthechannel]

DH never seems to see what needs doing. He will do what I ask reasonably promptly and without moaning but NEVER takes any initiative on the housework front. Eg He is capable of stepping over a basket of folded clothes waiting to go upstairs to be tidied away. When I am tired this really annoys me. I am concerned it could become an issue when I go back to work (next month) as I will no doubt be more tired and will no longer be able to get stuff done around the house when the DCs are playing nicely together so it will all have to be done after they are in bed.

Has anyone had any success in training partners to be a bit more aware?

OSOTC: please don't worry about being seen as a nag. Asking your partner to perform a reasonable task, him agreeing, then not doing it, so you reminding him - that's not nagging.

That's a misogynistic defence men think it's still ok to use.

Even the really nice ones.

Afraid I don't have any tips for you. I'm just resigned to giving instructions.

talking on mumsnet!!!!!!

booboobedoo- I know it's not nagging but it does make you feel like one if it is happening all the time. The choice is constantly have to ask/remind dh to do things which is tiring/demoralising etc or just do them yourself and save time and effort (which is what they hope will happen!)

Soph28
But I definitely spend less time on this forum than he does on his forums.

I agree Soph28. It's a perception thing. But maybe if we keep what booboobedoo says in mind it won't get to us next time!

Train the children - much easier

Yes I agree, they will never see. I have finally given in and made a list of chores for DP. It is the only way. Then don't nag, just put list in front of dP/DH nose and say nothing (list has to be quite detailed)...

I've done extensive research into this question over 20yrs. I have now realised that the crux of the problem is the differing use of the word 'need'. DH 'needs' food, sex, a pint, to watch the footie, he does not understand the 'need' to have a clean house. So I think that I have accepted that unless he can train me to not see the dirt, I can't expect to be able to train him to see it. And if it's any help otherside, once you are working you won't have time to see the filth .

Sorry not helpful but that's the only way I've coped.

Oh....you could make sure that you train the DCs to see it so that you will have allies in the future. Mine are still messy but now know that when steam starts to come out of mummy's ears they have to run for the hoover, pick their toys up and generally bustle about. They show DH up TBH.

I think that's the key OSOTC.

My favourite Bridget Jones quote:

'We simply detatch'.

Gets me through life without losing my temper all the time.

My dh is the opposite - well not always, sometimes he doesn't notice, other times he comes in and starts having a go and saying "how can you live like this" and will help out but with lots of criticism about how things are done. typical man thing in that he thinks its possible to do only one thing at a time - not possible with childcare. He'll sometimes cook the dinner too but it always ends up being at 11pm and the kitchen full of dirty pans. Think I prefer doing it myself actually. he is good at shopping though but yes you do just have to spell it out.

Have already started on the children!

thank goodness for this thread, made me feel a bit better about my life. Has anyone else noticed that a man who does even very little around the house, ie cooks the odd meal is just RAVED about by everyone, "isnt he wonderful, you are so lucky"..... OMG... Its a mans world, woman are now expected to work too but for some reason even in this day and age housework and child care still seem to be considered womans work. Even when i was the main breadwinner and (i would say DH but its more like FWH at the moment) he was the stay home parent i still did 90% of everything and he was a champion for doing 10%.
anyway, some husbands are fantastic, i have friends who have great husbands!

Get a plan of action/rota in place now before your back at work.

Make a list of what needs to be done and who doing it.

When i was at work before being a sahm we did this

Me Cooked dinner
dh Cleared up after dinner - if he didn't i wouldn't cook for him the next day.

Me - washing & ironing
DH - hoover & dusting

Both cleaned bathrooms.

We both did out fair share of the general cleaning around the house.

My advice, get a cleaner for as many hours you can afford. Stops you shouting at DH and if he complains about the expense then tell him that you are happy not to have one provided he does 50% of everything.

I too thought my DH was incapable of seeing what needed done, but he is between jobs at the minute and has turned into a pretty good house husband, provided I don't mind ready made lasagne most nights and that I still have to fold my laundry when I did his, but these are minor points. He now sees the household as his job and gets upset if I put on washing, happy days ! However not sure what is going to happen when he goes back to work, well actually I am sure that it will all fall back to me again, but then thats a perfect time to up the cleaners hours.

Hmmm, I could probably do with this training myself. DH is much better at tidying stuff away and all that. (I do laundry, and make food. I try to clean the kitchen, but am not great at it.)

If we didn't have a cleaner, the house would be scary, tbh.

I really don't think this is a bloke thing - it has more to do with standards, priorities, and how you were raised.