Sharing domestic and family duties

[ElPasoDoble]

Afternoon,

Can I ask how you share out domestic and family things? DH is a senior teacher at a big secondary school. The workload is immense and getting worse. I work part-time, and I've had a couple of periods of maternity leave in the last three years, so there's been a large amount of time where I've been at home and therefore able to cover appointments, childminder holidays, keep on top of domestic things. We have three children, including twins.

I've recently gone back to work, and I've realised that it may not be possible for me to cover all these things using leave and my employer's good will. Management has changed where I work, things seem a lot stricter. Is it fair to ask DH to find out if he can take any time off for the occasional thing? One of our children is under a paediatrician for an ongoing health problem which is unlikely to be resolved soon. One of the specialists he sees is only available on a day that I work. It's been intimated to me at work that it's unfair to my employer for me to have to do it all when I've got a partner. I can see their point. DH refuses to ask as his work is busy. So is mine. My job is lower paid and part-time, but it's no less important. I do all night wakings as well. Which really annoys me because surely I have the right to go to work fully awake sometimes. But he's on the verge of a nervous breakdown with his job so I feel obliged to do everything. But I can't piss off my employers.

Anybody else in a similar position? I feel like his job is taking over our lives. Everything is dictated by how busy he is. In terms of time, the job comes first, the children second and me third. Any teachers out there - are you able to take time off sometimes? I sometimes try and arrange things for the school holidays and my days off, but it's not always possible. What if we were both teachers, what would we do then?

I've tried to make home life as easy as possible for him. I do all cooking, shopping and keep on top of the house. We have a cleaner because I insisted if his work was going to take up so much time.

I'm just getting a bit fed up. But he's on the verge of a nervous breakdown because of the job sometimes so I don't want to moan at home. He used to love his job, but changes to everything are really causing problems. But he wouldn't be as highly paid anywhere else so a change of career at the moment isnt possible.

Any words of wisdom?

I think he's allowing what is the case (his busy job) to correlate with his own preference not to take time off because it's awkward for him to ask and easier to assume you'll do it. It is fair for him to do less of this sort of thing during term time (nights, appointments etc) but not for him never to do it and to compromise your job in the process. Have you considered whether he could take a backwards step in terms of level of responsibility in the school? So, if he's a Head of Department, could you get by financially with him on a slightly lower salary as a key stage co-ordinator for example?

I was a teacher until recently and we would always be given time off for hospital appointments for ourselves or our children or, if it was serious, for our partners. We would all cover for each other.

Is your husband really telling you that nobody in his school ever takes a child to a medical appointment? And if he'd married someone who earned more would he then expect to take all the time off?

He sounds very unfair in so many respects. I know he's stressed with work (I can really identify with that) but he's treating you badly here. And tell him it's fantastic once you leave!

It's very hard to go down a grade, Trifle, especially mid year. Post-maternity it could happen, or post-illness, but not mid-term.

See, your DH sounds like a lot of men who simply won't stick their neck out at work for their families. They have no idea if their request will be granted or not but don't want to be 'seen' to be asking. It's sad and a bit pathetic to be honest.

So he says he doesn't like the set up but isn't prepared to actually do anything about it, and in the meantime you are the one having to make everything work.

Another option is that you go f/t as well. hear me out on this one.

If you need to take an afternoon off for a hospital appointment, then somehow that seems a lot less onerous to managers when you're working the other 4.5 days, than it does if you're only working 2.5. It's because it's a smaller percentage of your working week. They don't see the bit where you're getting paid less for your time.

How many days do you do? Is there any option to offer to work back the time in school holidays when your DH is at home?

Imperial, I'm a teacher in a senior role myself so I know it's possible, albeit not straightforward. However, it need not be tomorrow that this happens. This could be a medium term plan to alleviate pressure while the children are very young.

My dh doesn't have an office job. If someone of his standing is not present the whole site cannot operate. If he cannot get cover the sites closed. He has previously made arrangements for other people to attend because we are both parents.

OP your job is important too. I am absolutely not saying his job isn't important, or that teaching is flexible. However there are lots of other employers/sectors who are equally inflexible. However as parents your family must always come first.

We discuss who has the most on at the time in question and compromise between us. We've even done half days each.

I just don't think him being a teacher or you being part time is a good enough reason for the responsibility to be always met by you.

Agree withgilded.

Yes, it will be difficult for him to get occasional time off, but almost certainly not impossible. He needs to step up here.

Sorry - apologies to the OP, I must have made up the monthly appointments thing. I thought I'd read it in the thread we medical situation.

I hope you get this sorted. Reading your latest posts, it does seem to be a philosophical position of his - he can't possibly do anything children / household related, and so you have to do it. This is not on and he needs to come up with some solutions himself. Teaching is stressful but so is trying to juggle 3 children, PT work and a house.

Yes, I think I have a combination of a husband's job problem and a husband problem. He's a good man, and is brilliant with the children when he's with them, but yes, he sees managing them (for want of a better word) as my job, not his. He sees his job as provider of the home, but my job to deal with the home.

We need a chat. We'll have one. I'll make sure of it.

You are on the right track, I think.

Good luck with the chat.