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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

So upset at DH

24 replies

Awfullyconfusedwhat · 29/09/2016 20:19

I've just come home from a 12 hour day and I asked DH to listen to a reading that I am doing at my grandmothers funeral tomorrow Instead of listening he started aggressively cleaning the kitchen . He has cleaning obsession to the point of ocd and won't leave the house unless it is spotless. He doesn't think I should be grieving my grandma because she was 94. He is a nurse and deals with death on a daily basis .
He hasn't talked to me properly in days. He never talks to me about how he's feeling. He just said perhaps I shouldn't go tomorrow and he is sick of the house not being clean. I work as a teacher at a boarding school.
We've been together 12 years. 3 kids . He never wants to go out and the romance is dead. I'm so upset as the same happened about a year ago. He said he would change his ways and start making life more fun.
We have very different values and at times like this it really shows. Shall I just bite the bullet and hope it gets better?

OP posts:

gobbynorthernbird · 29/09/2016 20:45

He's had a year to implement change. He hasn't. Do you want to be miserable for the rest of your life?

Topseyt · 29/09/2016 21:18

He sounds very cold hearted. Of course you will grieve for your grandmother even if she was 94. She was a major part of your life and had always been there for you I guess.

Will he ever change? Is he capable of it long term, or will he just change for a few days or weeks and then revert to type?

ImperialBlether · 29/09/2016 21:22

Gosh, why are you with him? If someone can't support you when you're in need, why bother with them?

Meeep · 29/09/2016 21:24

If you have very different values, the romance is dead, he never talks to you about how you feel, never wants to go out, you asked him to change a year ago and he didn't... Maybe bite the bullet and consider a life apart?

sooperdooper · 29/09/2016 21:24

Sorry about your grandma :(

He sounds awful, why are you with him? He's had a chance to change, will he ever? He should be supporting you, of course it's natural to grieve for a relative, no matter how elderly

Meeep · 29/09/2016 21:25

Oh yes and he is being very uncaring about your grandmother!

I'm sorry for your loss.

HuskyLover1 · 29/09/2016 22:07

Sorry about your Nan. This guy is bad news, I think you know this. Cleaning the kitchen when he should be giving you a hug and much needed attention. Sorry, but I think you deserve better than this.

Yoksha · 29/09/2016 22:28

Can I add I'm very sorry for your loss. Hope your reading goes well. He's not interested in your grief. If I applied his logic on being 94 to my best friend's aunt who's the same age & still very much alive, she'd drop me like a hot potato. And I'd deserve it.

seventhgonickname · 29/09/2016 23:09

I am sorry about your granddaughter and your need to grieve.
As a nurse and your partner his empathy is lacking.As nurses we deal with the distress and death of others and are supportive to their family,he seems to lack that capacity so stop making excuses for him.
You don't need us to tell you what you need to do just support to do it.
Hope your reading goes well and accept no criticism while you're grieving.

HeddaGarbled · 29/09/2016 23:14

I don't really think it's going to get better do you?

Someone who actively and aggressively avoids supporting their grieving wife in order to do cleaning is not normal. It sounds like he is mentally unwell. You say, to the point of OCD. Is it OCD? His behaviour is not normal.

Asking him to change won't work if he is ill. He would need to get professional help.

WombOfOnesOwn · 29/09/2016 23:27

What do you get out of this relationship, other than a very grumpy housecleaner? I'm sure you could find a very grumpy housecleaner who would clean a little flat you lived in on your own, for a lot less investment of time and money than your husband requires.

Duckafuck · 30/09/2016 00:14

Sorry to be blunt but he sounds like a massive twat! I'm so sorry about your grandmother maybe it's time to ditch this insensitive pig and leave him to his cleaning? Hopefully he'll succumb to bleach fumes in the near future.

VenusRising · 30/09/2016 00:41

Sorry about your grandmother

Your DH sounds like he's burnt out and has mental health issues.

Could he see a counsellor, and while he's at it, could you see one too to help you with decisions, and your grief.

I'm sorry, your life sounds very constrained by your partner's OCD. It's up to you if you want to forge ahead and make a life for yourself without him.

Can you think of anything that brings you together?

Maybe set aside a day for the both of you to do something together, if he can't as his ocd is crippling him, lay down an ultimatum that he gets professional help.

Sorry for your losses.

TheNaze73 · 30/09/2016 08:09

He doesn't sound at all interested in you. Has he always been like this?

hellsbellsmelons · 30/09/2016 09:19

I'm sorry for your loss.
I hope today goes as well as it can do.
Here's a ((((((HUG)))))) from me.

kissmethere · 30/09/2016 13:15

So sorry for your loss.
He may deal with death in his job and if he chooses to have this attitude That's up to him but he shouldn't expect you to feel the same. This is your grandmother. I know people in his profession who feel it when someone elderly dies and sad for the person and their families.

ThePinkOcelot · 30/09/2016 14:54

So sorry about your nan. Your DH is a twat and he's in the wrong job. Does he tell bereaved people to get a grip?!

adora1 · 30/09/2016 15:13

What cruel git he is, you gave him a chance before, he's failed again, he's going to make you even more miserable if you stay with him.

Atenco · 30/09/2016 15:30

So sorry about your loss, OP. Why are you staying with this man?

Scarydinosaurs · 30/09/2016 15:33

What reading are you doing for your grandmother?

Has your DH sought help for his OCD?

HardcoreLadyType · 30/09/2016 15:42

I wonder if he really needs help for mental health issues?

Yes, what he is doing is very cruel, but maybe he has nothing left to give?

Is this something you have discussed with him?

Anyway, now is probably not the time, when you will be so upset about your grandmother.

Chin up for the reading - you'll be brilliant.

And for you.

Vagabond · 30/09/2016 16:31

How depressing. I'm sorry about your Grandmother.

I always say that (jokingly) the best marriages are a competition of kindness.

Who cares if your grandmother was elderly? You can still mourn her. Your husband is showing a lack of compassion and caring. I also loathe people who clean aggressively (I do it myself when I'm mad)... it shows a kind of self-involved diversion and it's passive aggressive in a horrid way.

Sit down and talk to him again.

orangeistheonlyfruit · 30/09/2016 19:20

It is ok for you to grieve for your grandmother. It is ok for you to want a better and happier life than you have now. It is ok for you not to accept your marriage for what it is. You are a good person, you get only one life, don't waste it with this man.

MatildaTheCat · 30/09/2016 19:41

I hope the funeral went well today and you got through your reading despite the lack of support you got at home.

To suggest that you miss your grandmother's funeral to stay at home cleaning is actually bordering on insanity. He is entirely without empathy.

This sort of moment in a relationship does give pause for thought: is this good enough for you? Is there realistic prospect of him changing? Can you face another 40 odd years of this?

Not easy when you have a tough job and three DC but my answers would be no, no and no.

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