My Xp has a secret child..what to do

[secretsiblings]

Sorry another namechanger since this could make me very identifiable.

So I have 2 Dc with my XP age 7 and 5 and he has an elder DD from a previous relationship. It seems that there also two more children... One which I have no contact with and no real way of initiating this and about whom I know very little who predates our relationship.

The other however is a recent baby from it seems a fairly horrific relationship about a year and a half ago. And the mother got hold of my contact details and has been emailing me occasionally with the odd question - family medical history and so forth. XP is refusing all contact with her.

I suspect this is because he's now shacked up with a very nice lady and her son. Presumably doing his best to hide it all from her although who knows what she knows.

Anyway so my question is what to do here for my children? Do I tell them they have another brother and if so when! I suspect they're a bit young to process this. Their elder sister know I think as do a few friends since they met the ex girlfriend while pregnant.

It's all stupid drama and exactly why I left. Complicated by the fact that he is very controlling and flies into rages / does ridiculous things to revenge himself.

I think you need to tell them, just because the fall-out if they find out from someone else could be huge.

I had a similar issue. Ex denied two of his children (pretended they were someone else's) and when the truth came out it caused a whole load of upset. I luckily never had DC with him but he has DC with another woman who didn't know about the previous ones and so her DC didn't know they had siblings.

Some people can be such fuckwits

I'd wait until they're a bit older. Maybe another 2 years. It's a very small world and you never know what the future holds.

I don't see an issue with you being in contact with the mother. She wants some history for her child and medically I can understand why.

I'm sure any mum would want help in this situation.

Whether you want them to have a relationship with the little one is up to you.

I've only read the first page - but did he cheat on you and this baby was the result?

I wouldn't get involved. I wouldn't say anything to the kids.

Sandy - he certainly did cheat on me and frequently but this baby took place when I was long gone. Think there's likely some overlap with the current girlfriend but also that she's in the dark.

Defo tell then now. It's no big deal. Next time they mention their father, say " did dad tell you that he and his last Gf now have a baby ? "

They might ask the name or age and if they can see the baby , you just have to say no because we don't know the baby's mum.

At 5 and 7 they have a very limited understanding of the role of a biological father.

Are you worried about the shit hitting the fan when your ex finds out you've told the children about the baby? It's very likely they'll either ask him about it or tell their step-brother that he's not their only brother now.

I agree that your DC need to know at some point but it might be a good idea to wait until the mother has started claiming child support. Presumably your ex will either pay up or have to have a DNA test. At that point the child is 'officially' his & no one could argue with you telling your DC. Also, that way his current partner will probably find out about the baby without you getting the flak for it.