Emotional affair

[CatsAreLikeChocolates]

Before I start, let the record show that I fully expect to be flamed, I know I deserve it, but I need someone to talk some sense in to me, give me a slap, and tell me to sort my shit out. In the absence of that in rl... there's you.

So, I think I'm in love with someone else's husband. He is a former work mate who I have always got on really well with, thanks to shared interests and a similar sense of humour. Since we no longer work in the same office we have spent the last 3 or 4 months exchanging funny, if increasingly flirty, emails. Then he began to call me more often. We used to speak on the phone a lot when we worked together, but less since I moved jobs. Now we talk on the phone several times a day, about all sorts of things. He makes me laugh and feel happy and relaxed in a way I haven't felt for years.

He always used to complain about his wife back when we worked together, sometimes in a joking way, but more recently he has confided that he's really unhappy in his marriage but doesn't want to hurt his wife and children by leaving them. He also tells me that he feels unloved and trapped. I am also struggling in my marriage as my husband is cold and unaffectionate. We rarely if ever have any intimacy, and have only had sex once since May. I have tried to talk to my husband about this, but he just shrugs me off and says that we're both just tired. I sometimes feel that he's tired of me. Meanwhile the former work mate has begun to talk about how good he and I are together and how happy we could be.

I know that I'm ticking every cliché in the book (my wife doesn't understand me ffs!) and I don't know what I expected this thread to achieve, but I honestly don't know what to do. It feels like the only person I can talk to about this is the work mate, but doing that is drawing me ever closer to an emotional affair with him... and away from my husband. I don't know if I will ever be brave enough to leave him, not least as he is the main breadwinner and my kids' beloved dad, but equally staying feels like sacrificing my happiness, sex life and sanity. Right now I just want to stop the world and get off.

So relationshipers... what do I do?

Many marriages ride out dissatisfaction and infatuations with others. I think you need to work out what you want and deal with each issue separately.

Talk to your husband, tell him you are seriously considering separation. My friend did that and, bizarrely, it brought them closer together as they really had something very emotionally intimate to talk about. They reconnected and her OM obsession faded. She is now very happy with her DH.

That may not be your story but better to live your life than daydream it awsy.

OP - that is exactly how I felt about my H and OM during my affair.

OM / my now DP is a much better match for me than my Ex ever was but getting together with deception has clouded the entire relationship and brings its own trust issues with it.

It sounds like your OM has been very clear he won't leave his wife so at the very least have the respect for yourself to walk away.

OP I think it will help you go NC if you think through how you're going to do it. Hoping you'll be strong enough isn't enough and sets you up for the failure of "oh well, I tried and I wasn't strong enough so what can I do, it's fate" narrative.

Tell the OM you don't want him to contact you because you need space to decide what you want from your future. If he cares about you, he'll respect that.

Delete his number from your phone, block him from your Facebook. Assume you're never going to hear from him again. Then you can use the headspace to figure out what you're going to do about your marriage. That might be "leave it" which is perfectly valid if it's still unfulfilling even without the distraction of OM.

I wish you well.

If you did read my thread Op you will know I'm separated, but we're getting back together. The OM needs to start respecting his wife, and fix their relationship (or ditch). The book 'should I stay or should I go - how a controlled seperation can save your marriage" either helps fix marriages by clear and respectful separations or allows divorce where all parties get treated much better. It's been great for us. Also "I love you but I'm not in love with you" is on its way to me now, I hope it's as good as the reviews. You are not fully in love with the OM by the way. You're addicted to the affection. It isn't the same. Today I laid next to my wife and had 20mins quiet pillow talk. I've missed it for so long. Love is respect and trust, a partnership that has meaning. Best wishes op. I hope you can stop mistreating your man. Be strong, be respectful not just for your family but because life is better that way.

Never ceases to amaze me that a person can be so cruel and hurtful to their spouse or even just a partner - I couldn't care less if you're husband or his wife are cold and there's no affection - what you are both doing is vile, lowest of the low in my book, both lying, sneaking about, getting cheap thrills whilst your OHs carry on merrily in complete ignorance of the situation, it's the pits.

Grow up, decide what you want, stop lying, sneaking about and acting like you are 15 and either go nc and work on your marriage or do the decent thing and let him go to find someone who can actually commit.

I'm with sofato up-thread. In fact I'd even go further...

OP, may I suggest something radical? Be brave. Tell your dh everything you have told us. Tell him exactly how you're feeling; no assumptions, no decisions, just the facts. You may end up coming to a different conclusion from the one you're expecting, but big decisions are better made in the open. And now's a good time to lay it on the line.

That is good advice

Good advice sofato and eatsleep. I would also reiterate the need for no contact. This EA will turn into a physical affair if you do not stop now.

'It's ok to end a marriage that isn't working, but it isn't ok to turn the process into a train wreck, damaging your DH and dc in the process by bringing another man into the equation

I know this is classic MN Wisdom but out of interest I once discussed this with a counselling friend. She had a very different view and said there were no absolutes in the way marriages end. In fact she went so far as to say that sometimes it IS okay to leave for someone else.

Food for thought.'

Perhaps it IS ok for the person doing the leaving, but believe me it ISN'T ok for the person/children being left. I am still damaged by my DH's affair, 4 years on, in a way I wouldn't be had he just done the decent thing talked to me about separation (which at the time I would probably have agreed was a good idea). My friend is still damaged, irreparably, 40 years on after her father's numerous affairs caused her mother to take her own life.

Affairs are horribly cruel, they make you doubt everything about yourself, crush your self esteem, and leave you damaged in ways you really couldn't imagine.

I don't think your friend is a very good counsellor if she can't see that.