DC3 dDC3 on the way, think our marriage is breaking down.

[Yoyobear]

Please help me with some perspective here...

DH and I have been together 16 years, married 13 years.

We have the usual difficulties of balancing two careers, two kids, mortgage, flagging sex life (especially on my part, which I know upsets DH - I just don't have much of a libido anymore)

DC3 due in two months.

We haven't spoken for three weeks. I've tried to iron things out. He ignores my attempts, so I've given up. We are functioning for sake of children. He had become so shouty every day. With me, with the kids. Three times during our marriage I've felt I needed to leave the house because I've been scared by him, usually after a big row when he has been drinking. He has pushed me, following me room to room shouting, nasty.

Yet he cooks all the time, asks me what I want for dinner always. Usually lovely with the children, except for shouting habit over the past year or so.

I dragged him to one session of Relate counselling but he hated it. Basically refused to persist with it. I genuinely think he believes our problems are all my fault. He feels so much resentment towards me. Even when he loses it during those big rows, the apologies feel very half-hearted. Plus it happens again.

We used to be such great friends. Lots of common passions. Now I don't know what he is thinking anymore.

Plus I'm scared to death about coping with labour and a newborn when we are on such shaky ground. I've never thought our marriage could fail until now.

Any ideas or similar stories appreciated.

No ideas but can relate. Dh and I fight all the time and he is really mean to me, apologies but it's never felt like he means it. All I can say is that relationships I think aren't easy. But that doesn't mean you should put up with it. If you can't talk have you thought of putting your thoughts on paper, write him a letter with your thoughts and fears about the future. Maybe if he can calmly read it he could listen?

Sending you a big hug

I don't know quite what to say I am torn. I want to say that he is probably feeling this pressure too and is scared of coping but his behaviour is awful, abusive and is wrecking your relationship and setting a terrible example to your children.
We all get stressed we don't push people about and shout at them.

My ex dp did not want our DC2 and left me to do all the parenting for her. I absolutely began to hate him for it and he was a bully. Nagging me for sex when I was going insane with tiredness and needing support.

I'm sorry but he sounds like a terrible husband who doesn't even want to make things better. Have you told him how bad you feel?

Thanks Jibberoo. It means a lot, esp as I'm too proud to open up to friends yet about our difficulties. I've sent some hefty whatsapps setting out my feelings and thoughts on the matter. Asking him to respond. He has ignored these, but shows care and concern like asking me about my bad back, would it help to sleep on different mattress, what do I want to eat, do I want a glass of wine etc.

We do love each other. It's just been easier and a relief in some ways to have a break from speaking to each other for awhile. Being unaccountable to anyone except children. But it's also really lonely.

It's like he thinks talking about anything is a waste of time. Plus it means we avoid flare ups.

Myusername I can relate, as I don't think DH especially wants a DC3. I think I nagged so much he caved. Probably not a great tactic when it comes to parental choices.

What happens if you try to talk?

I've just left a marriage because I felt scared and it was never phyiscal.I think acting as he has especially when you are so pregnant is shocking.

I truly don't know how you are tolerating this.I assume he has a cycle of niceness followed by awful behaviour.

Do you have family support? What was his parents relationship like?

At some stage you will have to have a boundary as I fear it will get worse.

Please look after yourself and your baby.Tell your midwife and get additional support.

I understand your concern Hermione. It is really bad given pregnancy. It is three big rows in 16 years where I've felt afraid, against the rest of the time when I've felt supported in work, study, house choices, with plenty of good times and no fear. I totally get the abuse is abuse thing, but I think there are exceptions and relationships are difficult. I think there has to be.

Jibberoo - had you thought of leaving your husband? What makes you stay?

Oh and I have only asked him that we talk and his response has been, 'you can talk all you like, but I might not agree with you.' Plus the heart felt texts that he has ignored. I've been trying but he seems determined to shut any conversation down. Unresponsive apart from daily life stuff.

I think you need to decide where your limit of trying to resolve something with someone who won't engage with you is.

Possibly the truths are far too hard to handle so he would rather you put up and shut up. And you are very vulnerable so I would also agree with confiding in your midwife about these things.

Yoyo I think about leaving my dh often - but to be honest I think that would be a cop out. We have problems because both of us are at fault to some extent. Yes he is mean but I know I can be too (just in a different way iyswim). Actually it's usually him trying to sort things out. Problem is once he's said things they can't be unsaid.

This is a stressful time and I do agree that time apart helps. While you can't be really apart because of the kids maybe taking a break will help. But at some point you both have to want to mend the divide. Is there any way you can get childcare and go out for an evening together? Just try to remember how good being together is? I think when we are mad at others we forget how not to be. Sometimes it does take someone to be the one to try. I know it sucks that it has to be you but it's either that or leave. If after trying nothing improved then you need to consider an alternative. I work full time which means I have time to be me - not a mum or a wife - this let's me recharge and not worry about dh. But to be honest if he didn't try to make it up after his outbursts I wouldn't stick around. Our ds hates us arguing so if there were no good times it would only make home life rubbish for ds.

Do you have a friend that can be there for you at the birth? Give you the support you need to get through this point? I would say try not to make big decisions right now. You have a lo on the way and that will be your focus. But without support it's so much harder. I'm afraid I'm as confused as you are. Personally I blame the movies, relationships seem so much better on movies than in real life

Movies have a lot to answer for!

I've suggested to my DH that I get a doula as I don't feel we are in partnership enough at the moment to get through labour. Me trying to get a response as usual.