I wish i'd never done it

[LoveMySituation]

I've posted before about my unusual situation. Today is my sons 12th birthday. He wanted to spend it with friends, so didn't want me to go round to see him. He has presents from me, which he hasn't thanked me for. My father is not bothered by this. It sounds a little thing, but my own father treats me like shit, and my son is learning how to treat me from him. He fell off his bike yesterday, not wearing a helmet, no one listens when I'm bothered by that. I've just been sat here crying and thinking that he's lovely, but I hate the situation I am forced to live under, and if I knew how it would end up, I wouldn't have had him. Then I feel guilty and just so awful. But I feel like a child under my fathers control. I'm almost 40, and I am wishing my life away, counting the years til it's over

Bit of a ramble, sorry

Love I'm so sorry. I don't know your story sorry, is there a legal reason your son live with your dad?

Does your son live with your dad? Why don't you get on with your dad?

Sorry posted too soon- it sounds like a difficult situation. Do you have RL support?

No, I have no one. I had bad PND then OCD, so court put him with my ex. Just recently, my son decided he wanted to live with my dad. My mum left, and I was brought up by my dad. We've never got on, emotional and physical abusive. But he loves my son, he never hurts him. Just me

That must be so hard for you. 💐

Thank you for replying. It is. I just feel like this situation picks at scabs on scars from long ago. I probably need counselling, can't afford what I need, so on nhs waiting list

I don't know if anyone's there, but it helps to put it down. I just wonder why this happened. Why did I go through the pain of birth, only to be separated. Life takes everything I love, and leaves me with abuse, or people I don't care about. My son refuses to see his dad, I don't blame him, a very nasty person indeed, but it seems I am no better than his level, in lifes eyes. And I am not worth enough to be a mum

I can see how self pitying that sounds

I have no real experience but don't want to leave you talking "alone". I'm sure your son will recognise the love you have for him sooner or later. Be patient with him.

Thank you. I know he knows I love him, and I know he loves me. It's just that he loves my dad more. And as I'm the only one who has a problem with my dad, everyone thinks I'm the problem and that my dads a saint

What were your intrusive thoughts? Do you want to share them?

Yep, it has ruined mine too. I didn't have it before I had my son, though I probably had anxiety. It has wiped the last 10 years out. I don't think I have thoughts whilst having to do things other than how stressed and panicked I am. But flashpoints are never feeling things are clean and hand washing repeatedly. My hands look about 80 years old

How does yours affect you Bibbidee?

Oh lovely your son is young. He may well see through your father as he gets older. You would be surprised how savvy teenagers can be. You are not worthless and it is not your fault just wanted to say that. Hope you find a way to move away from your father and make your own life for you and your son.

Dont forget your dad will not be around forever and your son will need his mum as he grows up so hang in there.x

Only just seen your message flapjack. Thank you, it was so kind. Somehow it helps having someone else say things that you know are true, but struggle to believe if they are from you iuswim. I will keep going for him, but sometimes I get so tired of struggling, still so much to go til I'm better