Prefer it in my own

[Asuitablemum]

Is it in any way normal or common for a mother with small children to prefer it during the week when their husband is not around to when they are?

I feel like it should be much more fun and easy with two parents at the weekend but in reality i prefer parenting alone most of the time. I like having a lie in at the weekend but don't find it easier when we're all together.

Is this something anyone else has/had and if so do you think it gets better as the kids get older?

Hi mynachos, sorry you're feeling this way too. Have you been feeling like you want to leave for a while? I have, but now it might be in the process of happening I'm going into panic mode I.e must save the marriage, regardless! Although deep down I'm not convinced.

Anyhow, interesting to hear that it's not that abnormal to prefer things/life on our own. I just don't know about the reality of the alternative.

Absolutely find it easier on my own too. Dh makes stupid rules that are unreasonable and expects me to 'back him up'. Feel far more relaxed when he is away. Fortunately he is away with work a few nights a week.
Have been hanging by a thread for years. Have had counselling. Even when dc were 1, 3 and 5 I remember a period of feeling like relationship was doomed. Now dc 8,10 and 12 I can barely tolerate being around him. He isn't a bad man but we just aren't as compatable as perhaps we once thought.

Hi inmyshoos, did the counselling help? Sounds like maybe not? Do you regret not leaving or are you pleased with the choice you've made to stay put so far? Sounds like it's getting tougher though. Must help a lot that he's away with work regularly. Apologies for all the questions - just v interesting to hear different stories.

There's so many people (on MN and RL) that say your happiness is the most important thing and LTB (or words to that effect), but it's just not that simple and I don't think my personal happiness is the singularly most important thing - it's intertwined with so many other things (stability for kids, not missing them every other weekend). And much as I'm often happier and relaxed when he's not around, I might be lonely and miss the companionship if he's gone permanently.

Rainbow I think it will help him being away more. He has been p/t until very recently, so away 3 days home 4. That was NOT helping how I feel, having him around so much. I have issues with him being quite needy. I feel suffocated. I remember when the dc were young I would wait until dh was home from work and dc in bed and go to a 24 hr supermarket just to get out and have time alone!
I completely understand what you are saying about your happiness not being the singularly most important thing. I have felt, up until very recently, that i must sit this out until my chicks leave the nest. But I feel so lonely. Empty. Sad that this is my life. I don't want to wish my children's lives away because I am in an unhappy relationship. I also want dh to be happy.

It's sad that we're all feeling like this :(. I agree rainbow hash, a broken family causes other issues so it's really not what I want or ever thought I would have. But I find him such a miserable unhelpful sod that it is souring life for me. I just wish he could just be pleasant. How hard can it be!

I think of marriage vows. I don't feel cherished for sure and I think I (as everyone does) deserve to be. He is a good provider and would never cheat, doesn't drink lots or go out late or use porn or anything like that. He is just grumpy, not empathetic and dare I say it (he would completely disagree) a male chauvinist. It's the way he's been brought up, basically to be selfish.

Inmyshoes But I feel so lonely. Empty. Sad that this is my life.
This is just how I feel.

I am resolved to try to focus on my happiness, have friends around more, phone then, do hobbies etc. But it would be nice just have a lovely chat with my dh, cook up a dinner together, dance in the kitchen, snuggle up watching a funny film etc. The only one we occasionally manage is the last one really and he is always wants to choose the film. (I can't watch chick flicks etc).

It makes me feel sad to see very helpful husbands sometimes. Like I remember going to see a friend when our babies were about 4 months old. And we went in the car and she said 'I don't know how to put the buggy together dh always does it' (presumably not using the car when he was at work) and I just thought my dh is the opposite, he would have no idea how to use the buggy. Even though he is always with us.

asuitablemum I could have written your post. My dh once tried to put the buggy down and in car. He couldn't work out how to fold it so put it in still up. Then forced door shut and snapped the handle of buggy.
I just want life to be easy. Pleasant. But dh is grumpy if I ask anything of him. If i challenge him he defends himself saying I am always on his back. I am so tired of him. I feel exhausted. Same issues been going on for years.
I have been married before and left when I had a young baby. It was painful. Still feels raw. If I didn't know how painful the reality is (when children are involved esp) I would have walked from my current marriage long ago. I feel i have made bad decision after bad decision. This is not the life I wanted for myself

fir you inmyshoes. At the moment I am just try to ignore the crapyness and enjoy life but he does his best to put a wet cloth on things!

right back at you suitable
It's crap when you just want to get along but they suck all the happiness out of life. Good luck with him. You're not alone in how you feel!

I feel better parenting-wise when DP isn't here, for sure. It scares me when I think about it too much. I don't want to split but I'm definitely not content and happy either. Leaving is a huge decision :(

:(. There are too many of us! How do you mean it scares you sky?

Thanks in my shoes. Love my flowers

I think I know what you mean sky. It is almost easier not to think about it too much. It's almost easier to put up with the devil you know than step into the unknown. Makes you wonder how many people actually feel content and happy.

I also feel exactly the same. My P is always at home, hardly ever goes out and works only when he feels like it (he is financially very secure). I work full time just to be out of the house and have my financial independence, and ultimately I would like to leave or split amicably, but I am in too weak a position financially, and he has also threatened to do the 'unfit mother' bit on me (I have 5 kids). If by some miracle he goes away for the night, or even goes out for a few hours I feel as if a huge weight has been lifted, and as soon as his key goes in the door I feel sick. I guess I am an introvert, but I love spending time with the kids alone just doing whatever we please. I was a single Mum before and my ex H lived 6000 miles away which was the absolute ideal. We existed in our happy little bubble, having friends over and going on group holidays with other friends to save money. Life was good then. now I find myself anxious, drinking too much, hankering for freedom and - yes...wishing for a huge lottery win so that I can buy my own place and move out with the kids, He will never, ever leave our family home (although he owns 3 more houses) so at the moment I am stuck. We are also going to Relate but in my mind it is hopeless. I know how amazing it is to live without a grown, sulky man-child who is always putting pressure on me, even if he is not aware of it, and feels entitled to a housewife/sex on tap/chef/nanny/not having to shell out for groceries etc while he grows his property portfolio (not bitter...grrrrrrr)

That's exactly it, inmyshoos. Day to day I try not to think about it too deeply, but (and sorry to hijack) we have been engaged for a few years and we have now booked our wedding, and I'm frightened that I'm making the wrong choice. If we didn't have our child I think I'd have left a couple of years ago to be truthful.
I'm my case DP is deep down a decent man and has a lot of good qualities which I think keep me here. He's hard working, generous, completely non-controlling, faithful, and has a lovely family. He also adores our DS and dotes on him.
But but but...
We are just so different in our approach. He is disorganised and messy, his personal habits are grim, he doesn't take initiative with any house or child care tasks to the point I often feel he creates more work, and to get anything done I have to 'mother' and nag him which is such a turn off.
We met and had our son quickly (contraceptive failure) I don't regret my amazing son for one second he is the light of my life. But deep down I don't think his dad is the one for me. Yet I still stay. I'm afraid of the unknown and I don't think the relationship is bad enough to split up the family. My son has some health difficulties but is so happy and thriving in our family unit. It's so hard.
Sorry for the super long post x

Oh that wasn't as long as I thought
Just took me about an hour to type in bits whilst at work, oops

Oh no did I kill the thread

Don't think there's been a death sky just a lull

I've been reading the thread about happy loving relationships. Sad because I don't feel i have that but inspired to know it is a possibility!
My relationship isn't awful but it isn't great either. Boring, no laughs, not much to talk about, he irritates me, he is grumpy, he argues with my ds (we fight a lot about this)
Just wish we were writing in the happy relationship thread, don't you!

If you were friends with someone like that you'd just give it up. The trouble is it's not as easy to dump a failing marriage as it is a failing friendship.

The happy relationship thread was hard to read in parts. I guess because it shows so clearly what I know is missing in my life.
I definitely don't feel I have enough grounds to break the family up.. I would feel so selfish.
Earlier in the relationship we had a couple of fall outs, where he moved out. I so,so wish in hindsight that I hadn't got back together the last time. DS was younger then and i see now he wouldn't be affected as much as he would if we were to split now. I've made some terrible decisions and made such a mess of my life.

sky i could have written your last post. So many times when they were little, it could have been over then. When dh had really let us down back then, why didn't i just say enough is enough. I think i was always hoping it would get better. Infact I have been holding a shit relationship together by a thread for years.
Happy relationship thread hard to read. Fills my heart with sadness. It's horrible being with someone and feeling empty inside.

I left mine because this nitpicking drove me insane.wasnt just me he nitpicked the kids and huffed and puffed at whatever I asked and expected gratitude whenever he did stuff. Like if we ever did see friends and family he would put on a big show of what a hands on dad he was to make me feel bad. He did a lot but it always seemed to come with a hefty price tag and nothing was much fun. He didn't like the way I fed the children so he wouldn't eat with them. He hated going out in case they kicked off a tantrum (which they did, because it was tense) and he just was a fun sponge.

The sad thing really is now he is exactly the same and the kids don't like visiting him that much. They say my house is much more relaxed and funalthough I have rules he doesn't have and expect quite a lot of them in terms of housework chores/helping far more than he does but this is because he doesn't trust them to do things right and I want to teach them.
Also sadly my eldest daughter has adopted his resentful attitude towards someone asking her for something like a glass of water etc, she becomes very defensive and agressive and wants you to be grateful although I do 100x more things for her anyway. Trying to get her out of this!

Anyway yes I am happier and more importantly so are the kids