Feel consumed by hate for myself

[lolarosea]

This past saturday I lost the most special person I ever met. We met back in March and he never wanted anything serious and I thought that I could do this too. We were both out of long-ish relationships and I really wanted to try and get a life for myself. And I tried so hard and I was doing so much better.

We fell for each other and he made me so happy. I think he was happy too. We saw each other quite often maybe once or twice a week but I suppose this was too much and he thought I was getting too reliant on him and getting frustrated when he wouldnt see me. I think this is because I dont really have any friends and we were so close, I valued his company as a friend more than as a partner.

I got quite upset that things were ending and we managed to talk and sort things out on the wednesday, then i saw him again on the saturday when i was drunk and I guess i got quite upset again. He now doesnt want to know me anymore, wont be my freind and wont talk to me.

I cant cope with the fact that I have been left again for wanting too much from one person, I cannot get up in the morning because I am consumed with so much hate for myself for making him go away. I cant look in the mirror or concentrate on anything. I miss him so much and i want my friend back. I miss everything and nothing is making my life feel like it is worth existing this way. I've spoken to friends and even tried moving on to someone new but im filled with so much sadness and pain.
He was so special to me. I suppose it hurts most that he doesnt seem to miss me. I guess i was just another girl to him.

I feel so sad you feel like this is you shouldn't feel even a second's guilt 'for making him go away'. You didn't - he clearly liked you and it sounds like the issues are his in terms of long term relationship so in a way it lasted longer than usual for him. As you say he never wanted anything serious and I would look harder at the type of person you are drawn to or what attracted him to you despite this quite independent stance.

I also think your self esteem is way lower than it should be. It sounds hard but try to forget this person for now and focus on things that are positive for you and might boost your happiness within yourself and make you feel good about yourself.

I felt very like you describe once and so low in myself and please find support in real life if you feel too down about it - ring the Samaritans and you are never alone as so many of us go through hard things and it is really good to share it.

I wish you so well and believe in you that you will not only get through this anguish but do better without a man like this. When I met DH we just couldn't not be together as always happier when we are and that is what I think one day you will find -but in a different 'type' to the person you've been seeing as he sounds unusual about commitment which would ring warning bells to me if you're after a normal and steady relationship

Ps I didn't mean your self esteem sounds low in a critical way, more in a you sound fantastic way and if you lived near us I would definitely be your friend! So please don't hate yourself, ever.
Anyway thinking of you and do keep us posted how you are and take it a step at a time even if it's just keeping normal routine or making yourself a more special cup of tea (I add sugar in mine on very rare occasions which feels strangely wild!)

I also didn't meant to sound like he wasn't right for you as I should have listened that he was and meant so much and that you miss him. I'm very tired and off to bed so might make more sense tomorrow and hope you are ok.

Hi lolarosea,
so sorry to hear you're going through such a hard time
We're glad to see you're finding support on MN but remember there is not replacement for RL help.

We hope things look brighter very soon

Think about accessing some counselling. With respect. it isn't healthy to become so dependent on someone else so quickly and to make them the centre of your world.
Sometimes, when people invest so much of themselves in the other person, the other person backs away out of a need to assert some sense of individuality or autonomy. Once they've re-established that autonomy, it is very hard to go back to the way things were.
Again, with respect, you come over as very vulnerable, very lonely and full of self blame. You need to work out why you are blaming yourself, why you became so needy and what, in the future you can do to combat these feelings of inadequacy.
Reading some self help books would be a start and someone will come on in a minute I'm sure and recommend some to you. And counselling. See your GP and get the ball rolling. You are worth so much more than you think.

My thoughts echo the other excellent posts, you have received OP about counselling. We all get lost from time to time & you sound like a lovely person. I think you just need a bit of help navigating out of the fog. Good luck