Another baby photo, engagement, family gathering... my loneliness has turned to bitterness. Feel so sad.

[lightofthrees]

I've been feeling so alone this weekend and it has turned into bitterness today. i don't think i've ever felt bitter in my life before. i've always been so happy with my own life, i've never had a need to compare.

I don't know why i'm even posting really. I know only I can change it. I just feel so lonely.

I've got a good career and I own my own home. From the outside, it all looks pretty good. But last night I cried myself to sleep because I felt so sad. I want a family.

Everytime I go on Facebook there's another baby photo, engagement, wedding, anniversary, child's birthday, DH's birthday, romantic weekends away, or even just photos of family gatherings. When I go to work, it's the same... it's all anyone talks about. My single friends are dropping like flies... my closest friend got married last month, and she's very much in my life still, but I know that I don't matter THE MOST to anyone. And that's hard sometimes. Everyone has that person who can collect them from the train station when it rains, or will be on the other end of the phone when your day at work has been shit (yes, i know friends do this too but it's not exactly the same). someone who will do the shopping with you on a rainy sunday, or help take the bins out. someone to talk about work with after a long day. to cuddle.

Reading this back, I can't really believe it is me writing it. I have always enjoyed life, I've had a couple of serious relationships, and as far as online dating goes, I'm never short of people who want to organise another date. I love meeting new people, and I have my own interests. I just suddenly, literally this last week, feel so lonely.

I want someone to cuddle on a friday night, to plan meals with, even share the cost of petrol!!! silly things like the expense of going to weddings alone has started to upset me. People ask if i want to stay in the local hotel... no, because i cant afford it!!! even down to buying gifts. i know this isn't what a relationship is about (obviously), but it's just an added extra when im feeling particularly bitter.

This has turned into a horrible, bitter rant. I feel so scared that i've been left behind. it certainly feels like that right now.

She does take some her points too far but it's the gist she wants you to get. Being with somebody and being parents together is about being "in the trenches" together. It's not all about foreign travel and all-night sex. It's about whether they are caring, are a good dad, pull their weight around the house.
I never saw that before I read her stuff. I was looking for some of the wrong things....
I don't think you should settle for
Somebody you have no passion with etc... But maybe open your eyes to what will make you happy (and it isn't where they went to uni

I could have written your OP.

I feel exactly the same. I really feel like life is passing me by. No partner, no children, no sign of children in the near future.

I'm 27 and what angers me most is when people tell me I'm so young. I'm not. And even if I am young to some people, being "young" doesn't make me feel any less sad.

Like you, I have a good job, my own home. But something is missing. I'm sitting here now on my sofa, fire on, tv on, but it's so damn lonely. I don't remember the last time somebody held me and I felt loved or cared for. Sex is sex. But there's a whole other level of intimacy I really crave. Somebody to love me, to need me, to want to spend time with me.

I hear you OP. I don't know what the solution is, nor do I know why I'm pouring my heart out here, but hopefully it's some consolation to know you're not alone xx

I really feel for you (and the others in a similar situation). The lonely feeling is horrible. There was a time in my life when I couldn't be with my, now DH, we were apart for years. During this time I lived alone, did everything alone. The silence around me, the lack of interaction with people was terrible. My friends were too busy with their own husbands and children. Eventually I married and have 3 dcs now but life is so busy and hectic I almost wish for a day back when I was alone so I could be myself and not someone's mum or wife. I've lost myself.

I understand what you mean OP.

And your honesty made me laugh: im ashamed to admit that recently ive written people off because they went to a rubbish uni so i assume we wont have much in common.. awful i know!

I've recently met someone who went to a rubbish ex-polytechnic and they're pretty close to a genius. Some people have difficult life experiences which means they don't necessarily get what they deserve. I also know people who are confident and interesting in jobs which I wouldn't have previously respected: like forklift operators. I may have become less judgmental late in life (31!) but I am there now. I wrote all this to let you know to give people a chance.

I truly hope you find someone.

I had the best weekend ever recently with someone: they helped me buy groceries, hoovered with me and went with me to the tip. It was honestly so romantic. (My STBXH was not like this!)

Anyway there are people out there who are genuine and loving. I hope you find them soon.

But also I think you should enjoy your single life!!!!!

Oh and also I'm at the age to know what I value. I would find someone who is loving and caring for me (that is what I have learnt is top of my priority list), and patient and reasonable. The rest is just by the by. They may be fat, live in Alaska, poor, the rest is all stuff that I would deal with or work on, as long as they have food commubication and are reasonable and open people then two people can get on fine. The rest of stuff like humour, travel, blah is all extras. Nice bonus but non-essential. Sorry I've just started prattling off topic about myself on your thread

*good communication

The gift you need to give yourself is to unburden yourself from social
Media. I ditched Facebook 3.5 years ago. I was mid divorce and pg with dd2 so not even in a position to improve my life!! It made me feel like utter shit 20 times a day!! The more isolated you are the more you lean on social media and feel more isolated and a failure. Fuck that!! I download Instagram from time to time but delete it again as soon as it causes any poor me type thoughts!
3.5 years later i am
Settled with partner of 18 months who I met on tinder but no desire to go back on Facebook. I learned to value my privacy again. Also if you log in periodically it all looks really inane and all the same people are posting the same boring attention seeking crap. You will wonder why you ever used it!

Re the dating I used Match/pof/tinder - it gets a bit all consuming until you start a proper relationship but it's worth it to meet someone if that's what you want. I couldn't see a way around it as though I work in a big company, I meet a single guy under 45 about once every 3 years plus I was a single parent and can't stand drunk people so not luck going out in town to find a date!
Trust me there's nothing to lose by ditching face book. Nothing at all

Totally agree with comments about Facebook. I never created an account. But only know it's an utter waste of time, when dh would occasionally show my stuff on his account. Even then I would advise him to get off there. He likes it as he feels he can stay in touch with his cousins who he rarely sees. Fair enough. But the number of people on there trying to portray a wonderful perfect life with their perfect partners, children, home, friends. It's a load of fake shite. Honestly

Facebook is a pile of rose tinted bollocks Op & I can see how it would get to someone in your position.
I think when the time is right, dust yourself down & get out there. You do sound like a catch & there will be a genuine guy out there for you.

And come off of Facebook, don't let it take you into a downward spiral. You'll never see "Picking up the pieces of a shit weekend" etc on there as a status!

I was also single at 30.

I met my DP at 31. We've been together 5 years now.

He is 9 years younger, did not go to university, has never read a book in his life and loves drinking when I am tee-total. On paper, I would never have given him a first date, never mind a second (we met in RL at an event).

So my point is, don't be so quick to write people off. You never know....

If I read the profile of my DH I might not date him, he is a Man U fan for a start.

So rejecting people based on the University that they went to and other things might be part of your problem, not giving people a chance.

In my opinion you need to be happy in yourself to be open to romance. You can't/shouldn't look for someone to make you happy.

Your bitterness may be more obvious than you realise, get out there, go to comedy nights, go dancing, travel and enjoy yourself.

When going on a date don't imagine that you are meeting your life partner, just imagine that you are going to spend an evening doing something that you like. Pick nice venues, do interesting stuff. For me one of the best internet dates was a walk into Richmond Park another was seeing Kasabian. Neither guys are DH but the time spent was good.

Tokenginger get off the sofa! go to the gym/cinema/park anywhere. Sitting on the sofa won't make you happy tonight

OP I had no idea people could be so narrow minded! When it comes to men I just always went for who was nice or who I clicked with or fancied like mad and it wouldn't have crossed my mind what uni they went to or if they left school at 16. You just need someone genuine and hard working. Having said that, my serious Boyfriends and DH all did have high level education so maybe it dId influence me subconsciously. Look outside the box! And forget FAkebook.

Facebook is a cunting curse. Only there solely to rub people's noses in it.
Also are there no ugly people (children excluded of course) in the world.
Every other comment is Gawjuss Hun!!!!! Or stunnnnnaaaahhh.

I find it curious you describe deep unhappiness/dissatisfaction as 'bitterness'.

Bitterness imo is a long-cherished anger that eventually goes putrid and is generally very bad for the soul - if not body, too. It is seen as a deeply unpleasant characteristic.

Unhappiness, on the other hand, is more about frustrated longing, perhaps. In which case it's time for kindness - towards yourself.

I personally like to stay on Facebook - that's how I keep in touch with relatives and get invited to things. However, I use facebook's 'unfollow' feature (where you stay friends but don't see their posts on your feed) like I can't get enough of it.

When I was single, I had a few friends who got into whirlwind romances played out on facebook. Every date, every shared desert, every concert ticket, wedding plans in detail, lovey messages 'to my boo', all marching past on my Facebook wall.

It started to really grate on me and made me feel a bit shit despite the fact I was happy, stable, having fun, etc. I wondered why I was finding other's people's happiness so banal and tiresome. I didn't want to unfollow them in case that proved I was bitter.

Then I myself got into a wonderful relationship, with a gorgeous, loving person and, if I'd wanted to, I could have filled my facebook with shared ice creams and milestones. And I found that even when I was unambiguously happy and fulfilled and loved I still found seeing certain people's performative happiness and coupledom on Facebook utterly tiresome. So I unfollowed them .

I love Facebook again now.

When I was in my 20s I went for well educated , tall, guys with good careers .. on the whole they were money obsessed and boring , but I thought that was what I should be looking for because my group of friends said those were the right types.. .. I hadnt gone to uni then , but had friends who had and they always seemed to be looking for a 'type' or 'class' or 'money' .
I married the wrong man first time on that kind of recommendation , he turned to to be a philandering bully and i ended up at 32 a single parent with a small child, doing a degree at an ex poly, trying to make something of myself

At that poly I met on the same course a small slight quiet man with lovely blue yes and very long hair (also a single parent) . He was from a 'rough' council estate , - and was quite possibly the poorest man Id ever dated..
We've been together 23years s now, . hes fab, the kindest man , my best friend interesting witty erudite etc, ( still short and now bald !) Everyone adores him, weve had a great family life , he turned out to be a great partner/ father and hard worker (ive worked all my life also ) and ain our 50s we now are grandparents and mortgage free..

A friend of mine from my 20s would never go out with anyone shorter . poorer or supposedly from a lower class that her .. she is still single and childless ..

Branch out!! (and get off FB)

Don't leave it til you're 38/40... Men who want families will avoid you at this age

So I am completely and utterly fucked then. Nice.

Laska I love your post x