Baffled about new boyfriend meeting kids rules

[Mintychoc1]

I have posted in the past about introducing my boyfriend to my kids, and I've seen lots of posts on other threads about this subject, which has led me to be very confused about what is the acceptable course of action.

I've seen people told in no uncertain terms that women should wait a full year before introducing kids to a boyfriend. But I have also seen threads when people are posting congratulations to someone who's got engaged after a few months (so obviously has met the kids!)

So, which is correct?

Mintychoc what you're doing sounds fine it's your relationship, your kids, your choice.

I've been with bf 7 months and he's met my kids on a number of occasions. My dc are 13 and 11 and their dad has bought a house with his gf up the road and they are secure and happy and relaxed used to the new setup.

Normally I see new bf away from the kids. I want to establish the relationship away from the dc - I can enjoy it more as a break from motherhood and really get to know him properly. I won't really know this man until we've been together 2 years +

This week me and bf went to a special event which was held on a night when I had the kids. I could not rearrange the kids to be with their dad. So I asked the kids if it was ok if he stayed over. They never even batted an eyelid. We're all respectful of each other's space. It's been completely fine. No drama, no problems. This is because he sort of fits in well with the atmosphere in my house and doesn't create any extra stress. I'll go on seeing my bf away from the kids because I want to demonstrate to them that life goes on as normal, despite this relationship and because I'm quite frankly loving every minute of this early phase of my relationship.

Congratulations to Somerville

I think perhaps if the chap is 'right' it's actually not very complicated..

I choose not to wait a year, but nor do I introduce everyone I meet. If we are getting on well after a month or so, I like to do a 'meet up with a friend for lunch' type thing, in a neutral place, with no hand holding or anything that may alert dd to 'a relationship'. If they get on, then I continue the relationship and bring them back in gradually. If they don't, they're gone. Dd doesn't dictate my relationships, but she is my most important one. Am still at the stage where I am not looking for anything serious, so not bothered. There was one she got on brilliantly with and we were together a couple of years, but I think she only met him a handful of times. But, as I said, I don't want a serious partner, so I'm probably in a different place to you.

I waited nearly a year to introduce my boyfriend to my kids. He introduced me to his kids after about a month.

I waited for two reasons: 1. I wanted to be as sure as I could be that it was serious, and 2. because I could - we had plenty of kid-free time.

I think waiting a year is stupid. What happens if they dont get on?
Is it all off?
Waste of a year!

I've never understood this logic. You're not moving in together after a year, you're introducing people. Why on earth wouldn't they get on? My kids are decent humans, and presumably my boyfriend is too.

If you've picked a dud who won't get on with your kids, you work that out BEFORE you subject your kids to him.

I waited about 10 months. I wanted to be sure he would be around for a long time. I also wanted to be settled in the relationship - so that we knew each other well and were relaxed with each other and could be relaxed with the kids. We went for lunch and then to the beach. After the first awkward half an hour it went very well, and 6 months down the line they love him and want to spend time with him.

It depends on your life/your kids.
My attention would be divided if i were dating somebody. Of course. It is inevitable. Whether you're in your house or out socialising.
also depending the age of your dc, it is possible or not possible to gloss over the truth.
I think it would do my kids the world of good to know that im looking for/deserve love etc..

I dont judge people for compartmentalising/lying to their dc.

I met my boyfriend's kids before I started dating him as we had mutual friends and they were at a bbq. I actually hit it off with them before I did with him.

Cardin how many boyfriends has your daughter met? I can't imagine introducing a child to someone that you had no intention of becoming serious with.

OP the pace that you're going out sounds exactly right for your kids. Mine met DP sooner than I would have theoretically planned but I'd been on my own for over five years. Dated during that time but nothing serious enough to even think about involving children.

My children knew I went out, but I never used a babysitter as I had one night a week they were at their dads, and the other times they were young enough to be asleep by 7pm so I could have visitors from about 8.30.

I never lied to them. My behaviour never really changed, I just spent less time on mumsnet round them and more time texting - which to a six year old is barely different in their eyes!

I just don't understand how keeping things simple for your (young) children is lying to them?

Asking for opinions and experienced is sensible, asking for rules is a bit weird. You have to take the decision for yourself - you know your relationship, you know your kids.

My child is happy go lucky, loves the idea of me being with someone and is always curious. My boyfriend is comfortable around kids having two older ones of his own. My daughter understands perfectly that a boyfriend is someone that her mother is trying on for size, it is not a husband or a new daddy. I do not expect her to fit into insta-family. There has not been a revolving door of new partners from me or her dad. I felt very strongly about him and his words and actions said the same. It's a year now, and we've been engaged for 9 months of that.

Therefore, introductions were quite quick.

Give me a different child and a different set of other circumstances, and she wouldn't have met him.

Congratulations Cabrinha!

And generally speaking, if your children can't tell when you're lying to them I think they're quite young! Which means you haven't been in the shoes you'll be in five years down the line. I guess I could tell my children anything five years ago but now they'd see through any fabrication instantly.

They met ONE guy and it didn't work out, but as Cabrinha says, I'm glad that they saw that you're not chained up to a relationship. Now they know that I would LIKE a relationship and it's important that they get that. It may not happen. I remember talking to a girl when I was at school, her dad was dead and she told me she worried about her mum not having a partner.. So, soon they'll be at that stage and they will be hoping I'm happy, not just thinking but who'll pander to my every whim 24/7!

Depends on situation entirely. I met DH on my first (and last) OLD date. Introduced dcs 6 weeks later. Married 2 yrs later been together a decade. There are 8 of them aged 13-31yrs... so diffent for all of them. Oldest didn't live with an6 parents already living independently. Youngest was 1 and had not a clue. The ones that needed 'handling sensitively' were between 6-11yrs. There are no rules. You as a parent have to make them up.

I waited 6 months to introduce my husband to my daughter and we were already married! It was only because I was worried about what people would think even though I'd known him for years and we had been married before she was born. If I had followed my own instincts I would have introduced them straight away.

What? How?

Was your daughter 6 months old when you introduced them?
(Confused)

I see nothing wrong with introducing him as mum's friend. I wouldn't be having him stay over or being huggy with him in front of them to begin with but 6 months seems a long time to go without meeting someone's kids to me. Life is short. Just don't introduce him as a potential dad and don't rush moving in together.