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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

i did something stupid

24 replies

fedupmammy · 05/02/2007 14:11

my husband had manflu earlier last week, i looked after him like a nurse. he spent all day in bed, i went to the shop in the poring rain with 3 kids to get him fruit.

now im ill and he was acting all gentlemanly telling his mum he was having the day off today to care for me, but hes pissed off shopping with his mum and sister

theres no reason for him to go, he just wanted to get out cause the kids are ill too and he had to do everything

i begged him not to go but he went anyways

i was so angry at him

im being sick the kids are screaming i feel like i want to just walk out of the door

i went upstairs and threw all his stupid starwars figures against the wall and theyre broke

i feel like i hate him at the moment

hes going to go mad

OP posts:

scorpio1 · 05/02/2007 14:15

ok, calm down firstly!

have you tried putting the kids infront of a dvd/sweets/anything bribery based for peace?

im afraid men arent very good at recognising when we need help when we are ill-even if we ask for it, they dont seem to deliver it! i think alot of them find it overwhelming.

as for the star wars figures-can they be fixed? or cheaply replaced? you will just have to calmly explain why they are broken. yes he might get mad, and you will have to explain why you were so angry, and set better 'rules' for next time you are ill.

dont worry too much

Original poster

fedupmammy · 05/02/2007 14:19

thanks scorpio, the kids are watching scoobydoo now, but the middle one is 2 and being a horror

im just feeling down, i think about tomorrow and the day after just being the same

i feel like this isnt a proper life, like im just wasting away

i love my kids but i dont know if this is what i shouldve done with my life

im still really young and even though ive never been outgoing i feel ive missed out on alot

todays just seemed to have pushed me over the edge

i feel jealous of people with no kids

OP posts:

scorpio1 · 05/02/2007 14:22

how old are you? im young too, and have two boys and a step son.

i felt like you once-until i started college. i got a couple of days to myself, put MY life where I wanted it to be by moving on in my 'career path'.

oh and i have a 2yr old too-what fun,eh?

going to college or something might help you? or boost some self-esteem?i felt crappy before i did my course. im now satrting my degree. its possible

Original poster

fedupmammy · 05/02/2007 14:23

im nearly 23, id like to do something like that but in reality dont think id get the support to do it

im sorry for moaning i just feel really trapped

OP posts:

scorpio1 · 05/02/2007 14:27

im 22 as well.

i got support money wise through the actual college. if you apply early enough you also get childcare help too. with a degree, you can get grants to help too. we manage just fine.

and dont worry, everyones allowed a whinge! sometimes it can feel alot, especially when you see friends from school who dont have all this to do, day in day out.but in the end, ive found it the best.

do you feel like this alot? have you mentioned it to your HV or doctor?

expatinscotland · 05/02/2007 14:30

sorry, but he's being an asshole.

you begged him to stay home and he pissed off?

i mean, sorry, but i don't believe in making excuses for men. 'oh, they're just not that good at taking care of ill people.'

bullshit! they're just as capable as any other able-bodied human being.

Lwatkins · 05/02/2007 14:36

Fedupmammy you poor thing, you sound like your a wee bit run down bless. I agree with scorpio1, i'm currently at uni (first year) and am pg with my first baby. I'm only 19, i'll have just turned 20 when baby's here. I'm continuing straight on with my second year in september baby or no baby! Yes, she means the world to me and i love her to bits already, but having kids doesn't mean your life has to stop hun. I'm not allowing mine too, whilst im at uni she'll be in nursery. Yes she'll be young but if i don't put myself through uni then i can kiss goodbye to my career plans, and i'm raising her on my own so i have to keep going if only for the financial benefits in a few years when im working and making decent money. It also means that i'll have an escape for a few hourse a week, just me!

Is there something you could look into doing perhaps, just to give yourself a bit of a break - a bit of you time minus the kids? A course, or a night class, even joining a yoga group or something? As for your DH i can understand your anger, i'd be the same! Have a talk when he gets back and make him see how crappy your feeling and make him realise that a bit of support and company would have gone a long way today.

Chin up hun

KezzaG · 05/02/2007 14:40

Agree with expat, that was a horrible thing to do (him not you) and there is no excuse.

You are very young but this can also be an advantage. When you children are self sufficient you will still be young enough to restart your education/career whatever. I am 35 with one ds and pg with second, by the time mine are less dependant on me I will be well into my 40's. Not that that is old of course (before any over 40's pick me up on it!) but you know what I mean.

I expect he will be annoyed about his starwars figures, but dont let him side track you, you got angry for a reason and you were right to be annoyed.

Good luck

whatkatydidntdo · 05/02/2007 14:44

two weeks ago I had tonsillitus and all my DH said was "well I'm too busy at work to help"
Now I hadnt asked him for help. he could see how bad I was IYKWIM! Then he gets it and of course the whole world has to stop for him! he took 8 days off work, stayed up late (2am ish) on his message board then slept until the afternoons!

men!!!!!!!!!1

expatinscotland · 05/02/2007 14:56

See, my huband would never do this.

B/c it's disrespectful and I wouldn't put up with it b/c I wouldn't treat someone like that.

Don't want to be treated like that?

Then don't put up with it and make excuses for him.

End of.

You fall ill, walk out on his book ass and go and stay at a friend's whilst he deals with it.

Isyhan · 05/02/2007 15:02

Following on from your comment of 'looking after your chap just like a nurse' can I just say (being a nurse) that when my chap has cold/flu I just tell him to pull himself together. Nurses are notoriously unsympathetic when their own family are unwell. (Something to do with looking after much more poorly people i think)

lou33 · 05/02/2007 15:08

my ex used to disappear every time i was ill as well

KezzaG · 05/02/2007 15:09

I think men can be less inclined to be sympathetic, and often do not think to offer to help. However, you asked him, begged him to stay and he didnt. That is just a complete lack of respect.

My dh doesnt always think to offer, but as part of our marriage we discuss what we need from each other. He got better at being more thoughtful and I got better at letting him know.

the more I think about this the more angry I am on your behalf.

Socci · 05/02/2007 15:21

Message withdrawn

drosophila · 05/02/2007 15:29

I woul dsay that i was in a sick stupour and accidentially knocked them and now htey are broke. Make sure you are in bed asleep when he gets home. Hey maybe you can even blame the kids cos you were too ill to look after them.

FioFio · 05/02/2007 15:29

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

expatinscotland · 05/02/2007 15:31

You're too kind, Fio, I was thinking more along the lines of sticking them where the sun doesn't shine, IYKWIM.

tirnanog · 05/02/2007 15:39

you are a woman-women are the stronger sex,he is useless and you are a kinder more considerate loving soul.I Hope you feel better soon

DetentionGrrrl · 05/02/2007 15:45

any grown man with Starwars figures deserves to have them smashed up. Well done you!

madamez · 05/02/2007 21:19

Appreciate the OP's anger and distress and think her DH is a jerk for treating her like this. However, I don't think that "punishing" a person for their selfishness by smashing up their posessions is anything to be encouraged.

VeniVidiVickiQV · 05/02/2007 21:22

Is it wrong to snigger at the fact that he has starwars figures?

Its a bit of a man thing...DP does this, well, sort of.

He will take day off to 'look after' me, and then mysteriously plan in a job that desperately needs doing in the house, thus leaving kids with me anyway.....

barefeete · 06/02/2007 20:22

I was once throwing up and had diarrhea for 3 days and my husband left my 4 month old is his travel cot outside my room while he went to the pub with his Dad! I had a temperature of 104 and he suggested we opened the window to cool me down because he couldn't be bothered to find me any pain relief. Some blokes just don't get it!

Hide the starwars figures he probably won't notice and store this for later there will be plenty of opportunities for you to get your own back. Also the college idea is a good one. Take control.

shimmy21 · 06/02/2007 20:37

I broke dh's plastic model plane once during a similar sort of argument(he was a bf then). He was livid and 18 years later he still resents it.

I on the other hand still enjoy the memory of the crunching plastic and I'm still secretly pleased that I did it.

After all, if they really give that much of a shit about some little plastic toys they really should sort out their priorities and learn what matters in life and what doesn't.

Clear up the broken bits and hopeully he wont notice until your both in better moods and you can confess (in bed is the best place )

liquidclocks · 06/02/2007 20:44

He is a twunt. I was really ill last week and called DH home from work - he dropped everything to come and help with the kids - that's what you should expect and that's his job - he's their parent too!

I'm 25 and can feel trapped, too young for kids, wonder whether I should have travelled first etc etc etc BUT I only feel like this when I feel unsupported by those around me - If your DH bucks up his ideas I can virtually gurantee you'll feel at least 95% better (I won't say 100% because there's always a bit of me that wonders 'what if').

Sod his star wars figures - he's a grown man, if he's not mature enough to realise when his wife needs help he doesn't deserve nice toys

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