Odd behaviours in the bed

[whatamessifindmyselfin]

Have name changed and unable to post in Sex forum.

I met a new man and it's going well. Still in dating phase while I work out if I actually want to be in a relationship. He is waiting patiently, but I imagine he will move on soon if I don't commit. Although we are not actually in a relationship yet, we spent our first night together and I found some of his behaviours odd.

• It took him 3 hours to kiss me with tongues. He seemed reluctant to make the first move.
  
• He did not get undressed. I tried to undo his shirt, he would not let me.
  
• We did not DTD.
  

My initial thoughts were that maybe he is not into me, but he has been persueing me a while, and has made clear he wants a relationship. I am now starting to think may be he is not straight?

Does anyone have experience of this type of scenario?

[YvaineStormhold]

Oh, OP - he sounds like a cold fish. Wouldn't be for me. I like someone who wants a relationship with me to act like he actually fancies the pants off me.

[Whoooodat]

Were you actually in bed for a whole night where he didn't undress and took 3 hours to kiss? That's weird if so.

[LynetteScavo]

So he spent the whole night in his clothes? Why didn't he just go home?

[BeingATwatItsABingThing]

SleepFreeZone I slept with someone worse than Will from the Inbetweeners. Just thinking about it now, many years on, makes me shudder and my fanjo snap shut! He wanted a relationship but the whole experience made me realise I really wasn't attracted to him.

OP, my DP and I don't do "tongue kissing" all that much because I don't really like it. Seems a bit pointless to me. Says nothing about our sex life though.

Oh and Ada, I also have "minge with the tinge of the ginge". What of it?!?

[Whocansay]

Maybe he'd had a bit too much to drink and was afraid it would affect his performance?

Keeping the shirt on is a bit odd though. He could just be worried about his body. To be honest I would just ask him.

[SpidersFromMars]

If he doesn't want sex without a relationship, maybe he doesn't trust himself to stop at deep kisses and nakedness.

[Helmetbymidnight]

And yet curiously is unable to explain himself...

He wouldn't be for me, op, that's for sure.

[TheStoic]

Not meaning this as a dig, but could he have been concerned about breath? Yours or his.

I can understand the reticence to get naked, but the no kissing is hard to explain.

[Dunkling]

Well, the tongue kissing and pecks I can get....... My DH when we met ONLY EVER kissed with tongues, as if that was the only way. Well, I bloody hate it. After 20 years he still slips back into it sometimes and I have to admit I practically recoil and peck him back to slow him down and as a reminder!

[NotTheFordType]

It sounds like one of two scenarios:

1. He's just not into sex but has failed to disclose this
   
2. He has some major insecurity issues around his body and/or his performance.
   

You're only going to find out which of those by asking him.

If he tries to fob you off or insists that he is the normal one and you're a bit of a slag, dump.

[thehugemanatee]

I'm really surprised by some of the comments on this thread.

He didn't want to have sex. Why does there need to be a reason beyond that? If it was a man asking this about a woman, the responses would be very different. You wouldn't see comments saying well maybe she's got an ugly vagina yet it's OK to speculate about him having a small penis

Isn't it normal to spend the night with each other and share a bed way before a relationship gets to the sex stage? I find it hard to believe that it's the norm to have sex on the first night you've shared a bed.

[Helmetbymidnight]

Well no, I haven't shared beds with people I was dating with and not had sex- but of course, I think it's fine to do so- in which case, I'd be like, 'mate, I don't want to get up to anything...it's too early etc etc so hands off'....
It doesn't sound like this fella knows what he wants/expressed what he wants (unless the op wasn't listening) and I don't think that level of timidity is attractive at all.

[Mojito7]

Manatee - I'm not sure tbh. I think for most people, if they weren't planning on having sex, or even kissing, then they wouldn't get in the bed in the first place - especially on a first date! With DH, I didn't ask him into my flat for weeks because I felt that if I did, one thing would lead to another and, as I really liked him it was all a bit overwhelming and I didn't want to rush into anything.
If this guy doesn't want to rush things then why not just say that and not give mixed messages?

[TheStoic]

Isn't it normal to spend the night with each other and share a bed way before a relationship gets to the sex stage?

No, I don't think that's normal. I've actually never heard of anyone I know ever doing that. Unless they are teenagers, possibly.

[NotTheFordType]

Isn't it normal to spend the night with each other and share a bed way before a relationship gets to the sex stage? I find it hard to believe that it's the norm to have sex on the first night you've shared a bed.

Seriously?! No, that is not the norm! If I invite someone to spend the night, then that means "have sex with me".

[sadie9]

Could he be Married? Or in another relationship?
So he liked all the flirting etc etc, but everything else is like going beyound the friends boundary.

[sadie9]

Sorry I missed the bit where you said you two 'were not in a relationship yet'. So what does that mean exactly?
If you are dating then you are in a relationship? Do you not kiss at the end of a night out? Surely tongues became kind of an issue after a few pecks on the cheek 'goodnights' at the start...

[BlasianFashionista]

All I can think of is maybe he is "small down there"

[WesternMeadowlark]

I agree with NotTheFordType.

Not being interested in sex, and having insecurities/fears about their bodies/sexual skills, or simply not being ready for a physical relationship as soon as their partner is, are still things that a lot of men find very very difficult to admit to because they're seen as inherently "unmanly". So if he was holding back something like that it wouldn't be surprising.

That doesn't make a lack of communication ok, though. If he's not willing/able to tell you what his position [oo-er] on all of this is, he's probably not ready for a relationship anyway and you'd be better off moving on, imo.

[Whoooodat]

No I don't think it's usual to spend the night together in bed with no intention of sex unless you are teenagers.

What's the point in that? Also it is awkward to say the least if one partner wants/is expecting sex.

[thehugemanatee]

Wow, looks like my experiences are completely atypical then.

I haven't had very many relationships, but I definitely spent the night with all of them many many times before having sex. In fact the last relationship ended before sex even happened. The reason is that I enjoy having people over for dinner, or going away for a weekend, or staying up late watching movies etc. and it doesn't make sense to me to kick them out at bedtime or have separate hotel rooms etc when we're in a relationship. I don't drink any more but when I did it would be silly for one person to have to get a taxi home instead of just staying the night and driving home the next day. I don't see having sex as a prerequisite for sharing a bed.

I do like to have known/been in a relationship with a person for at least 6 months before considering sex, though, and it's something that I'm up front about, so perhaps people have been comfortable spending the night with me without sex because the discussion has already been had.

[whatamessifindmyselfin]

We haven't been out much, most of our 'dates' have just been quick 1 hour drinks after work as I have a second job which starts at night.

This occasion was one of the few times we were out late together. I didn't intend on him coming to my home, he actually pretty much invited himself in. I was fine with this as it gave us an opportunity to talk intimately.

[BeingATwatItsABingThing]

SleepFreeZone

[Choceeclair123]

Maybe he has someone else and is feeling guilty.

[NoahVale]

garlic breath from either of you?

but i think he just didnt want to