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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Zero/zilch/nada

24 replies

Tillydog2003 · 23/09/2016 20:41

I know this should probably be in the sex section but it won't let me post there and it is relationship based!

As the title states, I had my baby 8 months ago and I still have no sex drive whatsoever, in fact just the thought of it makes me cringe. I make myself have sex as I feel I have to, a sexless relationship is just mates, right?
My partner has a high sex drive (as did I before pregnancy/baby) but I'm just not feeling it anymore, I am still breastfeeding. I should add, it's not just sex, it's any intimacy that I just can't stand, cuddling, kissing etc, I just want to be left alone.
Surely this isn't normal such a long time after having a baby? Has anyone else experienced this?

OP posts:

flapjackfairy · 23/09/2016 22:05

I think when you are breastfeeding you already feel like you body is not your own and it can be hard to be sexual as well.
8months is not long at all and your hormones will still be all over the place along with exhaustion and the stress of adapting to your new role as a parent.

I felt all of that and i was so in love with my baby i didnt feel the need to seek closeness elsewhere.
Dont worry it will all settle down in time .

Original poster

Tillydog2003 · 23/09/2016 22:22

Thanks, that's reassuring. I'm the same, I just love my little boy so so much, he's just perfect but I feel disconnected from my partner.
Guess I just thought things would be starting to get back to normal back now.

OP posts:

SleepingTiger · 23/09/2016 22:48

Its perfectly normal. Don't fight it, be natural.

Certainly do not do it because you feel you have to. That destroys your connections.

nobodyreallyknowsme · 23/09/2016 22:54

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ALaughAMinute · 23/09/2016 22:57

I didn't feel sexy until I'd stopped breast feeding. Give it time.

Original poster

Tillydog2003 · 24/09/2016 07:44

So did you just have sex just for the sake of it? My partner is very understanding and patient but I just feel guilty that's he's not getting any action! He brings it up or asks if I'm in the mood maybe once a week, I never am but I go along with it anyway, although it's very obvious that I'm not into it.
Guess I'm just looking for reassurance as I thought everything would be starting to settle down by now and me and dp have and had a turbulent relationship, still have a lot to work on. I'm panicking that I've become so physically disconnected that i have actually just gone off dp, I just seem to rekindle and kind of romantic/intimate feelings

OP posts:

Original poster

Tillydog2003 · 24/09/2016 07:46

*cant seem to rekindle any kind of romantic/intimate feelings.

OP posts:

nobodyreallyknowsme · 24/09/2016 08:25

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

Tillydog2003 · 24/09/2016 08:57

This is exactly how I feel, I have absolutely no desire to have sex, I don't think about it, I could quite happily never DTD ever again and the same in it grosses me out.
We do talk about it and dp is very understanding, I keep reminding myself (and dp) that it's just a phase but I didn't realise it could last so long, there doesn't seem to be any let up coming soon. Also I'd like another baby in the not so distance future so that will be another bout of breastfeeding and no doubt no mojo.
I'm just hoping that this is just a phase/hormones/tiredness and that our relationship hasn't seen its day!

OP posts:

nobodyreallyknowsme · 24/09/2016 09:54

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SecretPrivateThings · 24/09/2016 16:02

Hi OP, I felt much the same while my DC were very small. In the last year I have done what nobody suggests and taken the time to figure out what gets me going. Let's just say it is working!

8 months is so young still

JoMalones · 24/09/2016 16:11

It's quite normal I think. I felt touched out when bf, I didn't want any intimacy as I just wanted space after being touched all day and night by the baby

DuckingAunts · 24/09/2016 20:15

This all sounds very par for the course when you have a small, breastfeeding baby.

But there are a couple of little red flags waving from your post. I didn't like to see you write that when you do get down to DTD, it's very obvious you're not up to it. Does he go ahead and do it anyway? My DP wouldn't be able to carry on if it was very obvious I wasn't up for it.

How is your relationship turbulent?

Original poster

Tillydog2003 · 24/09/2016 21:16

my partner knows I'm not up for it and that I kind of DTD out of guilt but I think he just takes what he can get as it's pretty infrequent at the moment.
I got pregnant very early in the relationship, we didn't really know each other and it's just been really hard. He's lied in the past, hindered us moving forward with stuff due to bad credit etc, he also has some personal issues, anger problems/anxiety that he has just recently seeked professional help for. There has been a lot of ups and downs in the short amount of time we've been together, then throw a baby in to the mix.....

OP posts:

SecretPrivateThings · 25/09/2016 06:57

Hmmm. In that case I'm not surprised you're not up for it! You said he had got help. Had this improved things?

Original poster

Tillydog2003 · 25/09/2016 07:33

Nothing has improved as yet, he's due to start some therapy in the next few weeks. Prior to him speaking to the doctor we had some awful arguments which resulted in him saying some really awful and strange things, this is the reason he has realised that his behaviour is not entirely normal.
I realise there are probably much deeper rooted problems on my side, mainly that I feel he has made life very difficult for me a lot of the time.
But I do love him and want to make a go of things......maybe this is my conscience telling me otherwise!

OP posts:

SecretPrivateThings · 25/09/2016 12:29

Is it worth telling yourself you will give him x number of months to improve then reasses things - perhaps this isn't the right relationship for either of you? If he does engage with the therapy of course. Does depend on his behaviour as well - if absolutely unacceptable then this might be the wrong approach. Frankly it sounds as if the lack of sex is not the problem here.

I'm no expert at all though!

Anicechocolatecake · 25/09/2016 12:36

My jaw is slightly dropping at this thread. This is mumsnet, right?

You have a young baby. You don't want to have sex. But you are doing so to keep your partner happy. He knows you don't want it but takes what he can get because he has a high sex drive. Does he not feel he's raping you? Do you not feel raped?

Honestly I don't even know where to start with this. What has your life been like that you feel this is normal?

He had anger problems and anxiety. What form has that taken?

Please stop having sex if you don't want it. Your sex drive won't come back by forcing the issue. It's likely to disappear even more.

I feel so sad for you.

SecretPrivateThings · 25/09/2016 12:43

Actually Anice is right. I may not have been harsh enough in my replies. If he can't accept that you are not wanting sex then you really shouldn't be with him at the moment. And you absolutely don't have to be having sex with him if you don't want to.

DuckingAunts · 25/09/2016 13:09

Stop having sex you don't want to have.

He needs to sort his anger issues out and give his therapy time.

No wonder you're feeling like you are.

It's okay to admit you don't love him too. I know it's scary to contemplate.

Original poster

Tillydog2003 · 25/09/2016 15:16

Anice, no I don't feel like I am being raped, he does not demand sex or pressure me for it and I am certainly consenting. I feel like it's slightly being taken out of context.
I completely understand that people are trying to offer my advice/support and that is exactly what I posted here for, I certainly don't want pity.
I am not being raped or abused, he respects my wishes and when I say no he knows it's a no. It is me that feels guilty for having such a lack of desire to be intimate and this is the reason why I push past my feelings and every so often DTD.

OP posts:

SecretPrivateThings · 25/09/2016 15:21

That makes sense OP, glad he's not pressurising. It may be that the relationship needs to improve before the sex does though. If it helps, I know what it's like to push past it and DTD every so often.

Anicechocolatecake · 25/09/2016 21:47

The trouble is I just can't imagine having sex with someone who was saying yes in one way but didn't want to be doing it. Where is the pleasure in that? It's using someone else's body like an object. It would feel humiliating to me. And it's easy to think of it killing any passion in you even if the reason why you lost your sex drive was because of having a baby.

illhaveabrew · 26/09/2016 08:00

I am having the same problem. I did read an interesting article that suggested doing it once and only once a week. Even if you or H want it more as it leaves time to have a build up the chemistry (which I think in all honesty it what is missing in most cases). You get the intimacy that H needs as well but without the sex which you can't face. It's nice as you can have a cheeky snog in the kitchen or a nice back massage and u and H know nothing can happen for say 4 days. By the time it comes to DTD you actually surprisingly feel ALOT more like it.

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