DH whinging about my kids

[rocketqueen]

I have been with my DP for around 2 years and I have two children from a previous marriage. My current DP has always liked to take an active role in my kids but sometimes I feel he over steps the mark a bit and seems to slag them off to me etc.
Last year we went to Blackpool and he did nothing but moan about how my 6 year old behaved, when we were in a cafe he started kicking off saying that my DS makes far too much mess, eats like a baby etc and he said my youngest was far too loud and boistrous, he later commented that he'd never known other kids to behave like my two , his exact words were "I look around and everyone elses kids are normal, well behaved etc and these two (meaning my boys) just run around wild).

I was a bit upset but thought he was wanting to take an active role and didn't want to put him off but he got worse and started making comments all the time, we were at football training once and everytime my DS (who was only 5 at the time) made a mistake DP put his head in his hands and muttered something like "oh Dan..." and shaking his head whilst all the other parents were laughing and cheering their kids on.

He started telling them that they would be going to bed early and this would happen and that would happen...never actually asking me if what he was doing was ok.

He upset me again this weekend, we were walking through the park and my son (7 now) kicked something that was on the ground (it had obviously been thrown out) and DP started kicking off saying "there's no discipline, no manners, no nothing..." looking at me as if he expected me to agree!

Am I right to think he's being out of order or should I allow him to voice his opinion on my kids as much as he does?

ps. we live seperately so its not as if he has parental responsibilty.

Personally I think he's out of orders . If there's something that he thinks is wrong he needs to speak to you about it first surely? Or put up and shut up.

Yes I think he is being out of order. Have you told him how it makes you feel?

Im assuming he hasn't got any kids of his own? Maybe he just isn't totally clued up as to what 'real' children act and behave like and maybe as they are getting older and their personalities and behaviour are developing and maybe becoming a bit more challenging he is just finding it hard to adjust.

It sounds like he is being a little out of order, but it doesn't sould like he's doing it deliberately to be horrible. I think it sounds like lack of experience with children is not giving him a realistic impression of what children of your children's age act like in every day life

yes i think he is out of order too.

so, "everyone elses children behave" do they??!! i dont think so. i think everyones children have their moments....including mine definitely!

i think that he should be happy with what he has got, instead of putting down your children and making you feel rubbish in the process.

he needs to know that this talk is not acceptable

Hold on, he doesn't live with you and yet is telling the children when they are going to bed . It is nothing to do with him, totally out of order IMO.

You are right to think he's out of order - but if he has no kids of his own he won't understand that "I can moan about my own kids until the cows come home, but no one else is allowed to moan about them EVER" protective feeling that a lot of parents have. My DP has criticised my older children (from a previous relationship) and has had his head bitten off for it - I don't think he really understood why until he became a parent himself. It's a potential minefield - and 2 boys that sort of age can be SO boisterous - good luck.

Def out of order. Sounds like he is unsure of his role though? Have you ever talked about what you expect of him when you are out together with the kids...? maybe he is doing what he thinks he should be doung? Sounds like he dosent have a clue about kids, maybe you need to spell it out for him. you are right he does not have the responsiblity as you dont live together, but maybe this is his very clumsy and ill informed way of showing you his parenting skills?? just a thought, sounds like you need to sit down and talk to him, and "manage his expectatation" of children!!!

I would not accept this from my DH and he is the children's father and lives with us.
I think you know this is unacceptable.

Your boys need you to stick up for them now before he corrodes their confidence and self esteem. If nothing changes then he won't have a relationship with your sons and the teenage years are going to be awful.

theres no one wasy or another answer here.

it requires communication and grown up adult conversation about who should discipline at this stage and at what stage your partner should be expected to discipline.

otherwise he might step back and just keep youfor weekend fucking.

you have to teach him parenting skills

make him realise that kids are kids

i often say things like " whats the worse that could happen? ds ends up with spaghetti on the table?......and? chill out"

kids make mess.

good manners are non negotiable in my house i hate rude kids. but good manners are please thank you and tokens of respect

which arn't to be mixed up with kids exploring having fun and even being misteivous.

i think your dp has takin role of authoritarian becuase he doesn't know what other role to take.

don't kick him in the arse, have a water fight. - whats the worst that could happen? you get wet, you get the carpet wet, the walls wet.

me thinks someone needs to remember what fun without fucking and drinking is like?

rocketqueen

How do you respond when he says such things to your children?. Do you say anything at all in their defense?. He is undermining them and your good self by talking to them the way he does.

It also begs the wider question - why are you with someone like this if he is so readily inclined to treat your own children in such a cavalier manner?. Him being childless is no excuse at heart for why he behaves as he does.

he sounds like an arse.

tell him that he hurts your feelings and that while you appreciate his interest, he's being too critical.

Do your kids pick up on this?

i dont think hes got any right to dicipline your children if he doesnt live with you.my dp didnt get involved in that side of things till we moved in together,then we sat down and discussed our attitudes to parenting,dicipline etc and agreed on how we would handle things.then we explained things to the older 2.

i still feel protective sometimes,and am tempted to let the kids get away with things even when they know they've done wrong,but i find it easier to be strong with dp backing me up.

but if a boyfriend who didnt live with me had told my kids off i wouldve told him where to stick himself

I would tell him t shut the f up. How dare he speak abut yur beautiful boys that way! My DP wouldn't be tolerated doing that and he's their dad!

I don't think he is taking an active role, I think he is being a bully

Oh and if he carries on, they will get to about 19, 20, and they will kick the shit out of him.

Message withdrawn

rocketqueen, based on what you've said about this man on your recent threads and the fact that you don't live together etc, I think it is pretty obvious that this relationship is dunzo.

You and the DC deserve better.

If you love him deeply and want the relationship to continue (though I suspect in your heart you don't), then a hell of a lot of talking things over is required urgento!

Good luck, whatever happens.

I would show him the door.

When I was a kid my step dad was so critical of everything my lil bro did that he started stuttering. Your DCs confidence is alot more important than this tosser.

Sorry, i have strong feelings about this.

Get rid. Good luck