I said no to STBXH today

[GettingScaredNow]

I'm the one who's ex bugged her living room then threatened to kill her and is being a shit about contact ever since.

He takes the ad hoc approach to contact. Texting to ask if he can take one to the park at such time or at the last minute.
It may seem like a little thing, but today I just said 'no' (well, I also said it was too late, but no sorry, or excuses!!)

He text at 6pm asking to take our 2 yr old to the park for an hour. Wtf!

I am in a programme to understand what happened between us and already I feel so much stronger, so much more in control.
And instead of the usual response of giving in or apologising and trying to arrange a better time or explain my answer I just said 'no, it's too late now'

I then jittered around all nervous for a while cos I didn't get a reply and history has taught me that he will be pissed off.

Such a tiny thing really but I'm so proud of me. I wanted to share this with someone!!

Have had to say no AGAIN!
He txt at 3 to ask to take our 2 yr old ds to the park after dinner.
I don't know what this sudden obsession with only seeing him after dinner is.
But I've said no.
He then said he can't come before dinner.
So I said that was unfortunate by after dinner is always too late for either DC.

Haven't had a reply.
Feel slightly less empowered them yesterday, a bit nervous cos I've now had to say no twice in a row. I know that he will be becoming pissed off now and will start saying I'm obstructing him seeing his DC

You've only had to say no twice in a row because he's made the same request twice in a row. You've explained your reasons, you're being consistent. He's not acknowledging your legitimate reason, just trying it on again.

Don't be nervous. You've done nothing wrong. Let him be pissed off. I don't remember him worrying about pissing you off. You're not obstructing access.

Good on you!

Right, there is a debt in my name that my lawyer said due to its nature he wouldn't be court ordered to pay half of.
He was voluntarily paying half of it cos it was actually his fault. Not going to explain the circumstances- too long, too painful.

Just had a message to say that due to me divorcing him and his expenses rising he can no longer pay for his half.
He also offered up money so our Dd could have better school shoes and has now stated that he won't be able to pay the offered additional amount and 'that's what child maintenance is for'
I know it was my fault for taking his word but I'm only just starting to break the spell. I am just beginning to start pushing back and I think he doesn't like it.

Someone said to me that the abuse you suffer during the marriage is not comparable to the mental fuckery that comes once you break away and they see you succeeding.
That person was right.

What a cockwomble he is. I have learned.

I've also told him I can no longer store his possessions. (He was storing loads of stuff here)

Well done for standing up to him. It might get harder but eventually it will be the best thing you have ever done.

Could the park thing be because he has a new gf and wants to show her what a wonderful dad he is.

Do not rise to his rubbish. He is losing control of you and wont like it so is saying things that he thinks will hurt you.

Give him an ultimatum to get rid of his crap from your flat and go to the CMS to push for proper maintenance. Well done telling him no. He's being very unfair on the DC with his ridiculous requests to see them at silly times.

The first time is always the hardest. Next time you will feel more confident.

Well done. I know how hard it is to stand up for yourself. I was always better at fighting someone else's corner than my own.

Just wanted to say I remembered your original thread, and a huge well done for breaking away and telling him no. The debt thing is unfortunate, but as someone else said, get his proper CMS payments enforced, chuck all his stuff out and then you have clear lines and boundaries and you won't feel beholden to him or like you have to worry about saying no. Wish you all the best

Because he needs a visa to remain in the country and tha visa is based on he kids he has to prove he is paying maintenance every week for the next however many years.

So we used the online calculator and he is paying the correct amount, voluntarily each week. I don't see the point in starting a claim and paying the fee if he is going to pay it without fuss.
At the point in time that he stops (which I anticipate he will once the visa is granted) then I'll go through CMA/CMS (can never remember which one it is!)

From what I remember of your threads you shouldn't trust him an inch.

Get it all done officially so he can't wriggle out of it when it suits him.

Remember, he has to maintain his children because the law says so, not because he wants to secure his visa to remain. He doesn't get to choose.

Paying a fee now will be much cheaper than all the months where he decides not to pay in the future.