I hope it's OK to ask this here. I am remembering my past sexual history with a bit of horror and would like some opinions from ppl who don't know me. I swing from thinking I would hate this to happen to my daughter, and thinking this is just how things were in the 90s...
My first boyfriend was horrible to me, emotionally. Wouldn't talk to me in public, called me names, ignored me, sulked etc. Also told me he loved me and I was special. I had no self esteem before him, so I accepted it. In this context he told me he 'wouldn't wait forever' for PIV sex, and whilst he would wait, he expected sex. I agreed after 3 mths, and at the time thought it was my choice. The actual first time was decided in advance due to practicalities and was awful. I was scared, he was moody and lay back expecting me to know what to do, he sneered at me and acted annoyed with me for most of it. It never occurred to me to stop because in my mind I'd promised to. I remember realising I wanted to stop and cry but knowing I had to carry on, and basically hid my feelings, pretended i was ok but inside feeling utterly humiliated and ashamed. From then on I was always submissive but very guarded during sex. But I never said no and he never forced me. He often ridiculed me or became moody during sex though, and I would always end up either having to 'try harder' to be what he wanted, or feeling like a failure.
I think I now am wondering how wrong this was- particularly the first time. I know it was not ideal, but I kind of thought it was fairly normal. However when I remember it I feel the humiliation so intensely, even decades later. I suppose the reactions of strangers (gently put!) might help me get a broader perspective on this. I've not had similar relationships since, and the idea of this happening to me now feels inconceivable.
Thank you for reading, this has felt excruciatingly embarrassing to write, but has been on my mind for months.
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Relationships
Remembering the past and wondering if something was wrong- possibly triggering
8 replies
stillworkingonit · 22/09/2016 20:35
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