How much do you think our parents relationships and our upbringings influence the relationship choices we make?

[YoJesse]

I've always thought I'm nothing like my mum and I'd never put up with a broken shitty relationship for years on end. I used to hate it when my Dad was home (he worked away a lot) because they'd try and pretend to be a happy couple then he'd get drunker and drunker and she'd get more and more passive aggressive and they'd have low, whispered arguments about anything till he passed out on the couch. I used to wish so badly they'd just divorce which they eventually did when I was a teenager. It was infidelity why they split not alcoholism or having a dead relationship. Somewhere along the line I think I learnt that you stay married unless one of you cheats even though I always resented their decision and I possibly learnt that you stay married with an addict and just 'put up'.

I separated from my STBXH earlier this year but not for infidelity reasons (he had addiction issues) and it felt wrong despite rationally knowing it had to be done as he was unsafe with our ds and I was getting dragged down with him. Instead of being a martyr an putting up I ended up using substances too which made his actions in our family life normal.

So.... Am I just looking for a reason I'm a fuck up and married a twat and should own my actions or can they be linked back to how I and other people saw relationships growing up?

The little voice is about you saying "He won't judge me, he's like me, he'll accept me for who I am"

But you need to translate that. That voice isn't saying that at all. (I used to think this MASSIVELY).

It's really saying "I'm not good enough for a better person. I'm a failure. I deserve someone who fails and fucks up just like me. I don't deserve a partner who is a functioning adult. Who do I think I am?"

You raise your expectations for yourself. Because you can do it. You find things which fulfil you (not drugs, real things, drugs just trick your brain into that feeling and then then starve you of it later, like crap food gives you a sugar crash and doesn't nourish you). You find your source of self esteem and pride which is not invested in another person. You work out what you want from your future, and you figure out how to get it and you do it. It will be hard and you will fuck up because that is what adults do, not failures. Mistakes aren't a sign of failure. They're a sign that you're going in the right direction. Life isn't supposed to be easy and without obstacles and it's perfectly fine to struggle to overcome them as long as you don't give up. Does that make sense? Go ahead and try and fail and try another way and try again and you find that you get there.

Once you believe (fully, really, absolutely believe) that you're a worthy person you'll find you're attracted to worthy people. Kindness and good parenting are absolutely important traits in a partner but they are just part of the puzzle, it's not enough alone. They go together with things like responsibility, stability, reliability. If you feel like you don't have good qualities to offer someone you won't be looking for them, so go and develop those, which you absolutely can, and you'll find that your standards raise too.

The little voice is also saying "he uses drugs, so I can too"

I honestly so worried about ds and how he'll be. I want him to have healthy, happy relationships and don't want him to repeat our mistakes.

You meet a stoner and think "nice guy, boyfriend material" but most parents would think, "nice guy but not someone I'd invite in to my child's life". You think, "...and he's not a hard drug user, bonus" most would think, "he's a druggie".

Alcoholic parents are not 'ok'. You need to accept that, find healing over it. You were a little girl who was failed.

You need to set your bar for 'ok' as higher than alcoholic parents or a stoner boyfriend. You ARE worth more than that. And so is your DS.

bertie thanks for that post. It really got to me. The problem is that I realised after I started sorting myself out that there's not really much too me. No hobbies that don't involved getting wasted, I'm not funny or clever and I've spent my life convincing people that I'm better than I am So everyone thinks I'm a nice person. I care so much about other people's opinions of me it's tragic. I'd love to be one of those people that genuinely doesn't give a shit what people think. The last time I felt happy and deserving was when I was pregnant and the early days of having a baby. I threw myself into the mum role and made friends with older, more middle class mums but once again felt like I was tricking them into being friends with me because I'd try to make out I was just like them. I couldn't show them my real self but I liked the person I was pretending to be as well. I was a good worthy person who at the time wasn't drinking or using anything and I still felt happy.

anyfucker yep, he seems nice and normal and his kid loves him and it makes it seem ok. I didn't think of it before but you're right.

My eyes are still opening to a lot of shit stuff that I considered normal in my childhood and recently too. I've convinced people in rl I've learnt and grown and to a point I have but sometimes a memory hits me and I think shit! That really wasn't ok and then I feel so guilty and bad for ds.

You can't keep an act up. For the most part you were/are that person who has grown and is a nice person they want to hang out with. Give people credit for not being stupid. They wouldn't hang out out with you if you didn't bring a lot of positive atributes to the relationship.

Ok so you feel some of it is an act. We all feel like that sometimes. You are a work in progress. Of course you can't put your childhood behind you completely and be the perfect person you want to be. None of are perfect. We don't need to be. We all have some hang ups and imperfections and people like us despite these. Value yourself for the person you are. Be proud of the person you have become - warts and all. You do deserve more than a stoner. Believe in yourself.

You can also start to show the real you. My best friends are the ones I've been able to be open with about my insecurites and vice versa. But test the waters first with an odd dropped in comment. You'll soon weed out the good ones from the bad.

AF, I don't think it's even about permission. It's about the fear that "the old you" who uses drugs and has unsatisfactory relationships and feels like a fuck up is all there is. That there is no improving because there is nothing there. That you might fail. That it might be too hard. That other people have something you don't. What if that's the real you? And if it is, you might as well be happy with this other fuck up, who is kind and who understands you and, yeah, he's flawed, but that's okay because he's not as flawed as the other option. And you don't deserve something better, someone better couldn't cope or put up with you anyway, what with your flaws and your failures.

It's a self defeating mindset. What it misses (completely) is that there is no such thing as "the real you" which is set in stone. There is no fate. We don't have our life decisions and our personalities written somewhere in the stars which can't be changed. We get to make decisions about who we are. We get to choose that. OP, you chose to stop using drugs, and that was for a reason - in part because you decided that isn't who you want to be any more. Now, it's true that it takes time and a lot of work to change, and of course it will be hard but it is also worth it. While in the process of change, you'll come across this a lot, that you find something which validates the fear. Whether it's a person or a memory or an experience or an opportunity which makes you wistful, thinking "That was me, I can be that, that's comfortable, I know how to be that person." Change is uncomfortable. But it grows on you. The old you was a part of you, and the new you will be a part of you as well. The longer you spend acting like the person you want to be, the more comfortable you'll become being that person and the more you'll be attracted to people, places, experiences and things which validate that state of being.

You don't need to have a flawed version of yourself accepted because you don't have to accept those kinds of low standards for yourself. You can and should aim higher, it is achievable. As long as you want it and you don't give up on yourself.

I crossposted OP - how weird that we said very similar things. (Well, I suppose not that weird, but I didn't expect to get it that close to what you were thinking). You sound very similar to me. Lots of imposter syndrome (look that up). Have you ever had therapy? I put a lot of store into being a mother as well, especially in the baby stage.

I left my abusive, alcoholic ex nearly seven years ago. I've changed and grown a lot since then and discovered lots of things about me that I'm good at or that I like doing. There will be things that you can find fulfilment in yourself, it just sounds like you never learned how to do that, or perhaps you once knew, but you have forgotten. It can be extremely rewarding to find out. The thing I'm doing this year (apparently) is launching myself into things which are completely outside of my comfort zone and I find absolutely terrifying but I'm weirdly finding that I absolutely love that feeling.

I still care a lot about what other people think of me although I care about the opinions of strangers less now, it still matters to me (too much) what people I admire think. I think it's pretty normal to worry about things like that. Just keep exploring anything that makes you feel good even if you think it's stupid. As long as it's not destructive, it's good.

I just looked up imposter syndrome. Thats how I feel about my life!
I actually got a diploma in my early 20s and I could have got a decent job with it but I felt I'd only scraped through the course because I was nice and kind. I got close to getting kicked off a few times but I got it. I then didn't do anything with it and have been stuck in service jobs. I was offered promotion there but I freaked out thinking I'd really tricked them into thinking I was good at the jobband could handle more responsibility and never took it.