How to 'let it go'

[alafolie29]

Short version of a long story - around a year ago my husband did a few things that made me question his loyalty to me (not cheating, not financial - which makes it hard because it's not a 'relationship ending' thing) and it's proving harder than I thought to get over it.

I'm still really angry at him and I just can't seem to let go of those thoughts. Obviously he has apologised and tried to make it up to me but I find myself wanting more. I don't know exactly what I want though, it just feels so unjust and I can't shake the resentment.

How do I stop myself bringing up what he did? (it's more a question of what he didn't do - think failing to stick up for me in a big way - so it's a lack of action rather than a deliberate wrongdoing)

I genuinely do want to move on, I love him and I believe he is sorry and loves me too. But there is a small part of me that comes out every so often that is so angry and wants some sort of retribution? I don't even know.

For background I do find it hard to forgive and can hold a grudge. I would usually cut out friends in this situation although that would happen very infrequently - I don't make a habit of falling out with people.

Can we get over this? And, more importantly, how?

I feel like the money is a bit of a red herring because I do understand why he is holding onto the hope he can sort it all out. The problem I think stems from not feeling like we're on the same team. Deep down I don't think he has my back 100%. He didn't last time... The fact that he's reluctant to say anything privately is the worst. He will make the odd comment after we've argued about this so he does try but I don't think it should be that hard tbh? I'm his wife ffs.

Yes, the issue is that he did not defend you; and he is staying in touch with the people he did not defend you from.

Is he at risk (money loss aside) if he is not friends with these people?

Sorry to be harsh OP but from the outside it looks like he's putting his brother first, to help him recover his money. Why can't his brother fight his own corner? Why is he risking your happiness and therefore your relationship to put his brother's needs first? What's more important to him?

If he's tough enough to stay friends with people who've upset his wife and who owe his brother money, surely when you have a (legitimate) moan about them he should be able to agree - as you say you should be a team.

Are you both quite young, no children? If you have a family you so need to be on the same team, it's something you have to be able to take for granted.

If you gave him an ultimatum, and he agreed to cut all contact with them and you would both never speak about it again, would that resolve this? If you feel the answer is no then I think things must go a bit deeper. This kind of stuff chips away at your feelings for the other person. It can also make you view other areas in a different way as well.

No he wouldn't be at risk but he would lose all his oldest friends.

If I gave him that ultimatum he would do it but that wouldn't be the end. He would be sad. I would possibly still be watching out for him letting me down. If it were realistic to cut contact with no affect on either of us I would be all for it. But I don't want to force him to do something like that. That's his decision to make. Or not.

I've decided that I need to consider whether I can forgive him. I want to. And for our relationship to continue I need to. Have a lot of thinking ahead of me.

Yes, the ultimatum isn't the answer. I asked the question because I suspected for you it wouldn't be the solution. It wouldn't be for me either.

I think the fact you've mentioned several times that you're wondering if he'll do it again is significant. If it was an unusual set of circumstances, he was really between a rock and a hard place and he just made a rubbish decision, well that's one thing. If however his behaviour is indicative of other traits you have noticed, and don't like, that's a whole other problem.

If you forgive him, and I see that you want to, be sure you know what you're forgiving him for. Is it for a bad decision, or a personality trait you don't like but can live with, or for minimising your feelings at the expense of others.

This will set quite a precedent in your relationship for what you're prepared to tolerate. Tell him if you feel he was totally out of order. But that you have decided to let it go for both your sakes. You will not however be putting up with any similar behaviour in the future.

Yes I think that's my only way forward at this point.

Thanks for all the advice, has given me lots to think about.