Husband had affair when I was pregnant

[Babs200]

Hi, I'm in a mess and very confused state. My story is very long and complicated (as they are always are in these circumstances!), so I'll keep it brief.

Myself and my husband have been together 11 years. We had a strong relationship, I was completely in love him and trusted him more than anybody else in my life. I don't have a great relationship with my own family, so he was my family. He's suffered with depression and I have struggled with this, but I've always stuck by him.

We have 2 children, ds is 5 and dd is 2. 3 years ago we decided to move out of London to save money. We moved near his parents and I struggled with the change. I became pregnant and sadly that pregnancy ended in a miscarriage at 16 weeks. Obviously we struggled with this. I desperately wanted a baby so we tried again straight away and I became pregnant with my dd. But I was struggling with the miscarriage and the move.

When I was 11 weeks pregnant he met a woman at work. I knew he was attracted to her, but he insisted they just friends. I was extremely jealous of her and he spent a lot of time with her. He told me when I was 14 weeks pregnant that he wasn't happy and wanted a separation. Emotionally and physically he withdrew himself and his friendship with this other woman grew. I moved away to where we had intended to move to after living near my in-laws, with my son and daughter, but I always wanted to get back together and was jealous of this other woman. I became friends her with to make him happy - he had made out I was being delusional and possessive, I needed to change. But I stopped seeing her a year ago as I felt awful after seeing her. This woman has a child too who is a few months younger than my dd, so we were near enough pregnant together.

Anyway I knew something was going on between them, he had told me loved her but insisted they were just friends. I found out 3 weeks ago, by checking his phone (I did this because I found a hair on my bed) that they have been having sex. I confronted him and they have been seeing each other since I was pregnant with my daughter. The ow is married and had been trying to get pregnant for months, she slept with my husband the same time as she did her husband, and so they feared her baby was his- it isn't as he looks exactly like her husband. They had sex in my home.

Myself and my husband haven't had a great relationship the past couple of years, he has hated me and loved her and so I have hated him. He supported her emotionally and physically during her pregnancy and completely abandoned me and our dd. How could he do that? They had used protection so it was a very slim chance the ow baby was his, but I was carrying his child. I just can't get my head around it at all. I begged him to help me as I was so depressed and anxious, telling him how important it was for the baby that I was happy, but he just pushed me away. He supported her emotionally when the baby was born, but I got disdain. Why?? He says that he wasn't ready for another baby and resented that I got pregnant.

He is in complete remorse now and tells me that he hasn't been happy for a long time and she made him happy and he couldn't let that go. I was just a big bag of misery - well obviously! He tells me he doesn't want to lose our family and he loves me and loves her. I'm his soulmate and she's is twin flame. Whatever that means. He is a huge depressive and I know his relationship with her was an escape. He has not taken any responsibility with our family, I have done this- yes to make him happy... I've been isolated, with pre and postnatal depression for 2 1/2 years. How do I overcome this? He's telling me he loves me but he has to forgive himself even if I can't. He is so depressed because of what he has done. I just want to get him out of my head and heart. How do I do this?? Honestly, I don't recognise myself anymore.

Listen to these very knowledgeable women. Trying to figure out why he did what he did wont help you in the slightest, it will just drive you round the twist.
What you need is space to think about what YOU will be doing next and how YOU will move on with YOUR life, not his. Stop giving him your emotional energy and use it on you and your child.
He's an arse, he had a cheap tawdry affair and somehow has managed to convince you to join in with justifying it, as something special by being friends with his OW. So he doesnt have admit to what it was? just another affair, it wasnt anything special, they arent soul mates or twin flames or star crossed lovers or any of that guff he spun you.
No wonder you dont know your arse from your elbow, he's well and truly fucked with your head. Thats why you need to distance yourself from him. Its obvious he can do and say the right things and mess with your head, only distance and will allow you to disengage from him.
Keep communication only down to child contact arrangemments. block any social media. it will feel awful but its better to rip that plaster off in one painful go than pick at the scab for ages

I'm so sorry your going through this! Honestly one of the saddest posts i've read on here. People may seem like they are being harsh with you but its in your best interests, you need to take a step back and try and view this from an outsiders perspective.

I cant understand or believe you would be friends with this woman? What do you sit and chat about? How both of you are completely in love with him? Thats mental torture Babs.

I'm sorry if i've been skkimming but do you both still live in the same house? how did you find a hair in your bed? Sorry this is actually all irrelevant.

Please please seek counselling! I can't imagine the pain you've been going through.

If you are living under the same roof, MOVE! If not then go NC and use 3rd party handover. Seeing your H is only reminding you of how much hes hurt you and its not healthy.

Good luck OP, people of MN are extremely helpful and lovely. Listen to them xxx

As long as you delay putting emotional distance between you, then it will be impossible to get over him the way you want to. So start with baby steps and make the life changes you need to in order to separate yourself from him and the emotional side will soon follow.

So.
You need to firstly draw your physical boundaries - listen to the wise women here - text or email communication for the arrangements concerning the kids.

Consult a solicitor. Start your separation. No more sleeping with him or even letting him inside your home - he can pick up kids on the door step.

With this practical distance from him, you can start to gain perspective and see the situation for what it really is.

His focus is entirely on him - your focus is entirely on him.

You need to change your focus. Off him and onto you (and your dc). I mean it - stop looking at him and trying to work him out.

He really has abused you on a deep level. He is depressed because the universe doesn't do exactly what he wants. This man is a soul-sucker, you have to get away from him.

Which means cold turkey. Get him OUT. Out of your home, your mind, your life. You will have to have contact with him bcs of the dc but keep that to skeleton contact eg emails. Let's hope he loses interest in dc so you all get rid of him for good

He has got you addicted to him. Do the Freedom Programme . Read Why Does He Do That? by Lundy Bancroft . He has seriously abused you.

I realise I'm contradicting myself when I say think about you; then link a seminal book about domestic abuse that shows how abusers do it.

You have a lot of work to do to disentangle him from your heart and mind. I don't just mean practical work but work to repair your soul from the desecration he has wrought. (And will continue to btw. The ONLY way is to get him out of your life). To that end, Melanie Tonia Evans is good for healing from narcissistic abuse.

I don't doubt you've been in a very dark place. Me too btw, and I got out and recovered.

Thank you so much for your kind support. I've just ordered the book by Lundy Bancroft and downloaded another book by Annette Young- 'Get out of my head and out of my bed!', which I started reading last night. We haven't been together for a long time, but emotionally I was very attached and he was attached to me. Even though he told me it was over, he implied that I needed to change etc and then we could move forward with our relationship. We had to start a new journey. So basically feeding me nuggets of hope when really he was just using me for the practical things, like looking after our kids, taking on the responsibility. We haven't lived together in ages, I had given him a key to my place as I haven't got anybody else to trust and I go to my parents a lot and need someone to check my place. Anyway, the hair is from one of these times when I was away and they obviously found an opportunity to have sex somewhere where they could in secret... Ugh

I befriended the ow before I knew about their affair and thought they were just friends. I thought I was being possessive and needed to show him I wasn't so I became friends with her. But I hated it and was constantly comparing myself to her etc. I stopped seeing her over a year ago, and was getting to a place where I was able to let him go but with the hope that we'd make it work at some point. You know, after I'd changed... Vomit. Then the truth came out and I'm all over the place again. The last time I spoke to the ow was when I confronted her with the truth.

I'm trying to understand why he did what he did, because I feel like a fool and an idiot. What was wrong with me??

Anyway, you're right the focus needs to be on me and the dcs. In a lot of ways I feel so much better because I can let him go and I know I was completely right. Phew!

Is the OW still with her husband? Does he know his wife's a cheating scumbag?

I can't believe what he's put you through & it's still all about him & what he needs. You need to get away from him for your own sanity.

There was and is nothing with you!
This is him - all him.
So so many of us have been cheated on.
We always look to ourselves first.
What did I do, what could I do to fix this.
The thing is you didn't do anything wrong.
He did. You can't fix a relationship when the other person is involved with someone else.
It really is that simple.
He is a selfish entitled arsehole - that's all you need to understand here!

Hi Babs, your H sounds like a complete arse, but I completely understand how confused and betrayed you must feel.

I feel I need to tell you: he is abusive. He's twisting things to make you feel crap about yourself so you are easier to manipulate. Becoming friends with the OW!!! That is not normal! I can understand the victims of two-timing coming together to tell the guy to piss off, but this lady knew he was married to you! And she is married herself!

Is there a One-Stop Shop near you? They help with people who have been abused, not just physically, but emotionally as you have been. I've been there today and they've given me a little card which outlines what an abusive man does. Please give this a read and see if any apply to you (chances are not all of them will as abusers pick and choose their tactics)

• Shouts
• Sulks
• Smashes things
• Glares
• Calls you names
• Makes you feel ugly and useless
• Cuts you off from your friends
• Stops you working
• Never admits he is wrong
• Turns the children against you
• Uses the children to control you
• Never does the share of the housework
• Never looks after the children
• Expects sex on demand
• Controls the money
• Threatens or wheedles you to get his own way
• Seduces your friends/sister/anyone
• Expects you to be responsible for his well-being
• Blames you, drink, drugs, etc.

Hopefully there's a One-Stop Shop near you. If you're not sure then you can visit your Citizens Advice Bureau and they'll give you some advice and contact details for One-Stop or a similar organisation close to where you live.

Please don't let this man run your life, and dictate how you should be feeling towards him. These organisations are also for people who have already left, such as yourself, but need help understanding their feelings and moving on with their lives. They offer counselling and legal advice if you're concerned about access to the children or anything else.

Such sad reading, you sound so desperate for him to love you, that you are willing to let him feed you the scraps from his plate.Im shell shocked that you are questioning your own behaviour and you seem to be excusing his. You need some assertiveness and self confidence development to enable you to value and respect yourself, women's groups are amazing for this. Please take some of the advice given, to enable you to open your eyes and see that he is a twat and will probably be one for the rest of his life.

Classic narcissistic abuse you're describing there. They wreak such havoc. We need specific skills to get over narcissistic abuse, hence eg Melanie Tonia Evans.

Their abuser is endless, it never ends. They go on and on and on and are never satisfied. It's who they are and what they do. Stay with them, or even in their orbit, and bomb after bomb goes off. You think they've reached the very lowest - but no, there's more. And more again. Ad infinitum.

They get you feeling sorry for them btw. Just saying. You contort like a pretzel bcs the poor things are so unhappy /damaged you want to help.

There are literally BILLIONS of men in the World. Why anyone would put up with this, it totally and utterly beyond comprehension. He brings NOTHING to your life except utter misery. He's nasty, cruel, abusive, has no respect for you. HIS IS NOT YOUR BEST FRIEND.

Please don't try to work out why he has used and abused you, it's likely you'll never get the answer because men like this have more than one screw loose.
The energy this is taking from you is what is stopping you moving on, and kicking his sorry arse out of your life.
His family will get over it and are not your concern, and I hope your family will be supportive.
Write him a letter telling him exactly what he has done and tell him he has no right to forgive himself, as you will never be able to.
You abandoned me when I needed you most.
You put a shag before our family.
You .... etc.

If you want to get him out of your head and heart, start by getting him out of your life. I know with children that's next to impossible to do completely, but you can still do a lot.

If he still has that key to yours, get it back. Depend on him for nothing, especially being inside your home! He should never step foot in it. He can pick up the children on the doorstep. It's your home and you deserve it to be your place of sanctuary. Not a place where there are memories of him doing or saying 'thus and so'. Review your day to day life and if there are still parts of it that include him, cut them out. No having him check on your house. Get rid of any shared financials. No shared time (park, meals, visits with family, etc) with the children. No communication that isn't in regards to the children. You must cut him out of your life. That's the first step. Because if you don't, he'll use that contact to keep you involved in his mess. It strokes his ego and makes his life easier.

If you haven't, see a solicitor. Getting the legalities in order is a good way to draw a mental line.

And if you are doing this, stop keeping his secrets. Tell people, including his family, what he has done. Tell them why you've separated. To paraphrase the Bible verse "Speak the truth and the truth shall set you free".

He's in denial of the impact of what he has done and is insisting he needs to forgive himself.

Because he doesn't want to face the reality of what he is. A lying cheating husband, who cheated when his wife was pregnant. That's low even among cheaters.
He isn't remorseful. He doesn't really think he needs to forgive himself ... because she made him so happy and he couldn't let it go.

By saying he needs to forgive himself .. He's trying to gain sympathy. So he feels like the victim here. Just imagine your child was treaten like this. You would hate the person who did it.

You will never understand the cheating and abandonment, because you aren't that kind of person.

Try counselling to work through your feelings and fully detach from him. Don't you have a friend or neighour to give your key. That would be better.

OP, some people in life are just nasty selfish twunts and you can analyse their behaviour for years and still won't understand it, it's just the way they are.

I really hope you can learn to love yourself and then learn to love a man that is actually worthy of having you in their life, your husband sounds unbelievably cruel but tbh if you allow someone to treat you like shit, then that's what you will get with folk like him.