A rant about verbal abuse/ collusion

[MrsMcBoatface]

I'm trying to figure out the motivation for staying with an abusive man. Or substitute 'a*hole' for abusive man, he's not violent but verbally abusive in many ways...I am tying myself in knots wondering if it's his actions, or my response to his actions, or anything I've done to provoke his actions that is the crux of the issue here, and am wondering if anyone else finds themselves taking responsibility for the actions of an 'abusive' man?

My mother considered herself to be a feminist, in the 70s/early 80s when it was all about assertiveness and her interpretation of being assertive was to be a bit, well, bitchy. As in 'get your own dinner, who do you think I am, the maid?' Etc. And similar with any other housewife-related duties. For some reason I always wanted to be the opposite of her...so ended up with a situation where (as in tonight) I physically find it painful to ask DH to take his own plate into the kitchen. He often treats me like a slave, as if he's 'king of the castle' (thank you Lundy Bancroft) so even when I'm aware that he's treating me badly, am I colluding with his 'abuse' by putting up with it?

It's not an impossible situation and I'm coping by spending most of my time out of the house at a job that I love. But I'm aware of the demands he's putting on me. It's easier for me not to leave which is why I'm still here. But...is it me? Or him? If he truly thinks he's not abusive and that I'm here to serve him, is it my fault for not 'educating' him?

It's almost like your feminist mother had a point about not tolerating ill treatment with a smile...

It's co dependency.

Your dm sounds like she was quite powerful and dominant, probably in reaction to some controlling behaviour she experienced. In her way she wanted you to be the same. But you adapted to her demands by being passive.

In all likelihood, subconsciously you looked for someone like your mother as this is what you felt you needed as you may have felt unable to make your own life choices.

But now you are older, you realise actually you were capable all along it's just you were fulfilling a passive role that your dominant mother then dominat dh needed you to fulfil.

Set down your boundaries. Expect fall out. You may want this but your dh will not want to give up all the luxuries and power of dominance. So he'll up the ante and you'll see an increase in abusive behaviour. But like you said, let him. Don't relent. If he becomes violent or threatens violence then I'm afraid it's best if you leave. I should think it's very unlikely he'll leave this co-dep relationship unless another woman takes him on.

I personally think the way you develop as a child in response to controlling behaviour depends on your personality - extrovert will go on to be actively dominant, introvert will become passive. Might be wrong, but it might explain why some people copy their parents behaviour whilst others do the opposite.

"I am tying myself in knots"
He's controlling you. He's not tying himself in knots trying to work out your needs and motivations is he?
Making you feel bad about the trip with your DSis, guilt-tripping you into inviting him too and making a huge fuss over the plans is all manipulation of you. Huffing and puffing and other signs of irritation are signs of manipulation too, causing you to modify your behaviour to try to mollify him.
And when he disappears for a while he knows you will be anxious and needy, wondering what the drama is about.
I'm very sorry that the future does not look happy for you with this man. The usual pattern is for the abuse to escalate. You can do so much better and find someone who is respectful and kind towards you.

If you left I think you would find yourself less jumping out of the frying pan into the fire and more jumping out of the frying pan into a calm oasis.
Here's another saying for you: you're a long time dead, meaning seize what time you have left to live the life you want, rather than a passenger in your H's life plan.