I have been thinking about leaving my DH for a while. Since before the wedding I am sad to say. I shouldn’t have gone through with it but had this idea that ‘everything will be alright’. We’ve been together 8 years and married 5.
We argue all the time. I feel he doesn’t pull his weight, mainly in the sense of ‘life admin’. Housework we share more or less equally these days but it took a long time of ‘nagging’, arguing, begging and pleading. When something needs to be done, e.g. pay a bill, make an appointment etc. either I do it, or I ask him to do it. If I decide to do it, it gets done. If I ask him to do it, it either doesn’t or eventually it does, after many reminders. He often lies when I ask him if he’s done something, or denies that I asked him to do it. He also never sees things that need doing. He will open post and it will stay on the table for days. It doesn’t take long to file things away and/or to put stuff in the recycling surely? But he won’t do it unless I ask. Every. Single. Time.
Over the years he has gotten (much) better but I feel like I’ve gradually lost respect for him. I feel resentful that I have had to teach him to do stuff that he should know how to do. I mean how hard is it to put washing in the laundry basket. He can’t even fold a towel, or wipe a surface properly. How can I respect a man who behaves like a child? We haven’t had sex for 2 years. The thought of even kissing him makes my stomach turn. I also stopped finding him attractive years ago. It wasn’t helped by the fact I like to keep fit and for years, he didn’t. He is fit(ter) now, years later but the attraction just isn’t there anymore. He’s just very lazy and laid back and I guess I’m anxious and neurotic. He feels that he can’t do anything right. He hates the way I speak to him, and so do I. I am becoming a person I hate. I say horrible things, call him horrible names. I fear I am chipping away at his confidence but I can’t stop getting angry with him because he’s just so useless a lot of the time :( And even if he does loads, these days I will find the one thing he hasn’t done and go mental. Everything is coloured by past experiences. We have huge problems. We tried counselling and it didn’t help.
Context: we are both in our mid-thirties, both have busy jobs, a mortgage and no kids. He is actually a really decent guy and probably does loads compared to other DHs. But I don’t know how we can come back from all the hate, resentment and awful things that have been said (on both sides). DH doesn’t want to separate, and neither do I really as I do love him and we have the same outlook on life, the same sense of humour, agree on most things, and want to do lots of travelling together. Together we have enough money to do these things, if we got divorced we’d have to sell the house and it would be a lot harder for me to do all the travelling I want to do. But I am too young to live in a sexless, hateful marriage. Both of us are. I just wish I could relax and accept him for who he is, and start having sex with him again. I feel so angry and upset at myself that I have become this horrible person who can’t stop criticising her DH. Are we doomed?