Marriage making me miserable

[itsallgonewrong]

I'm spending hours of every day contemplating whether or not to put an end to my marriage, which is just crap. Not abusive, not destructive - just crap. We have been together 20 years, married 14, 3 kids (5, 8, 11) and he's 14 years older than me. I don't fancy him anymore in the slightest and we've had sex once in the last year. I could put up with that. But these days everything he does annoys me. Every time he speaks I cringe and I avoid social situations that involve both of us as his social skills are dire (always says the wrong thing to people, talks at them till they glaze over, makes inappropriate comments). He has no money and no job (talks the talk about running his own business but hasn't made any money in over a decade) so I've always been the breadwinner. I just can't be arsed with that anymore and would love for him to get a job as I'm having a really stressful time with work, but having not worked for so long he's practically unemployable. He's a decent enough dad - no awards, but gets on with it, and I don't want to screw up the kids' lives but I'm just so so miserable every day I don't know what to do. Please don't reply just to have a go at me, I know I haven't got it bad compared to so many but I feel totally stuck.

"I hear what you are saying though, and like OP mine is older than me (10 years) and doesn't look after himself so my other fear is he will become ill, heart attack or whatever, and I'll have to pay for care or nurse him when it will all have been self inflicted through smoking and bad diet".

Why would you think that at all?. Why would you enable him like this? You are not responsible for him at the end of the day, only your own self. You are putting yourself under enormous emotional pressure by staying with him at all. Being conflict averse is not going to cut it as a reason with your children if you were god forbid to stay with him in the longer term. They could well accuse you of putting him before them.

And how did you end up with such an unashamed freeloader?. Are you a rescuer and or saviour type, do you really attract the waifs and strays?. Did your parents show you a not too dissimilar example of marriage?. After all we learn about relationships first and foremost from them.

At the very least you need to seek legal advice to see what is actually what when separating.

But harsh Attila. No I am not a saviour type, nor an emotional martyr. I would like a happy, healthy relationship, but I am worried about losing my home and savings, and scared of the backlash. I have no family, parents dead, only child (though my parents were lovely and had a good marriage, thank you for asking) while his all live nearby. If it were that simple I'd have acted by now. And saw a solicitor a couple of years ago. Scared me to death frankly.

You had 3 children with him, he must have some redeeming features.

Being conflict averse seems a cop out for actually doing something about this. eg being honest with him, going for counseling (not necessarily to save the marriage but to come to some agreement for the future), seriously looking at separating.

I've just been reading this thread and the one about gaslighting and I feel scared about my marriage and I simply don't know what to think. The OP and others' posts sound so familiar. I've been married 30 years, kids (3) finally gone and tbh, it's always been full of conflict. He's a good dad, I've often guiltily thought he has always prioritised them and work over me. He was always too busy to get home in time for my activities or to take a holiday. He would always support them against me if I remonstrated with them about something. He would deny he'd said or done things.

But what scares me is that, having finally moved to another part of the country, something I'd wanted for 5+ years, we've looked at and offered on 5 houses, then rowed about them, been unable to agree on compromise and withdrawn. We're in a slightly shabby rental, he's now got super busy workwise, I'm stressed out and say I've had enough and I want to separate and his reaction is to go super rational about the situation and to pretend I haven't said anything. Although it scares me to think about being alone, I've said it before lots of times and he goes silent or stomps off and sleeps in the spare room and then the next day he'll start an enforced 'polite' conversation and, if he can, he'll totally avoid referring to the row that preceded me saying I've had enough.

Weve been, unsuccessfully, to Relate three times. Just before we moved we found a private counsellor, a bloke who was totally out of his depth but who my husband liked. I think he liked to sit there and be the centre of attention. Things happened like me complaining how he never proposed spending time with me or finding things we could do together yet had three personal activities marked into his Google diary which I am meant to consult so I know what he's doing. He insisted this was not a problem, he had just 'pencilled things in' for himself which could be changed, though he never makes the effort himself. The useless counsellor even supported me but DH still argued this had no significance.

I'm sorry, this is much too long. I feel stupid, I don't know what's the matter with me and I don't know why I can't leave. Just sometimes I enjoy his company but right now he's away for three days and I am relieved. Like others we have no joint friends, he puts people off, is awkward, says the wrong things. I feel desperately upset and I don't know what to do.

I am in same position. Cant bare sex and hate how he just thinks of me as childcare to his 4 kids. He works 7 days a week and we do nothing together as a family. Yeh we have a huge house in the country and plenty money. He thinks he can just throw money at me and il be happy. I am basically a single married woman as my husband is married to his work. He is a farmer so is gone by 7am and sometimes not home till midnight. I'm sick . He is a good man in many ways but also has a not so nice side amd constantly puts his work before his family. Oh and his mother is the root of all our problems and is another story entirely ! I wish someone could just tell me what to do and what will be best ? Will I ever be happy ? Will dh ever stand up to his mother amd put us first ???

Sounds awful, Horsegirl. You must feel isolated and money doesn't make up for loneliness and lack of intimacy. Farming families always sound tough to break into. All the best to you and hugs. X

Theprim

I hear you about the home ownership. This lady knew he'd get half the house if she divorced him and that's the one thing she wanted to leave as her DCs inheritance.

He was also older than her by some 12 years. The thought of her paying alimony to him was unbearable. So the price she pays is her DC now that he's dead saying she should have left.

She's not feeling relief at all. She's bitter and resentful. ... and also a bit traumatised as he died at home and she discovered him. She just felt trapped.

The thing is that when you're married ... even though they'd been sexless for 11 years .... she would have been called a heartless bitch if she left when he got ill.
She was distraught when he fell ill ... but purely because she knew she was now trapped. But I can say that she after his death ... she so wished she left years before.

I really feel for you all in this position. Especially if you live in London where property costs a bomb. But do seek legal advice. Look at the long term effect on yourselves and as the kids get older ... they are so aware of the state of the marriage. The lady I mentioned has 3 kids ... 2 in their 30s and they've said they can't see themselves getting married after what they saw.

One is always posting quotes on FB .. like ' how do you know you've found the one' or 'what made you decide to marry your wife/husband'.

My heart goes out to them and all of you. It's a tough situation.

Did they have a love/hate relationship with their DM.
I think this has happened to me. He has to 'love' his mother (that is the social norm) but I feel he bears biiggg grudges about his upbringing eg other siblings favoured, and I am his replacement 'mother'. He feels he should be a loving husband but the childhood anger overtakes sometimes and I am blamed/gaslighted. He is angry but the real feelings stem from his childhood imv (which he would deny if I raised it).

primreaper,

re your comment:-

"But harsh Attila. No I am not a saviour type, nor an emotional martyr. I would like a happy, healthy relationship, but I am worried about losing my home and savings, and scared of the backlash. I have no family, parents dead, only child (though my parents were lovely and had a good marriage, thank you for asking) while his all live nearby. If it were that simple I'd have acted by now. And saw a solicitor a couple of years ago. Scared me to death frankly".

I do not think I was that harsh, was trying to make you think some more about how and why you got to this state. Also your man is emotionally abusive as well so that really is game over for the relationship in any event. His family are likely the same as well, the rotten apple did not fall far from that rotten tree.

You did not state you were not a rescuer type.

Your inbuilt conflict aversion is probably making you scared of any supposed backlash descending upon you as well.

Why did a Solicitor's advice scare you so much; was it really that scary?. What frightened you about it?. Is this your own conflict aversion coming to the fore again?. That is really stopping you from taking any decisive action here. Are you frightened that he is going to get real nasty come separation time?. If he is emotionally abusive as well towards you then he likely will be. No man is above the law here, even the one you are with.

You simply cannot afford to bury your head in the sand any longer than you already have. You only get one shot at this life, besides which where do you see yourself in a year's time? Still stuck in the same position you are now, I would sincerely hope otherwise.

1950swoman, you might be best starting a thread on your own.I just wonder if the house move is causing you and your husband to react in different ways.He is being super rational to the situation (which can he helpful when house buying) whereas you want an emotional response which is also understandable as houses represent security for alot of women.

I had a similar situation with my stbxh, he was emotional distant, which caused me to ask for more reactions.Our issues got much, much worse when we moved/had a building project as neither of us could support each other.It caused distrust and eventually a separation.

Not sure I have the answer but I found standing back and seeing what's going on is best rather than always reacting was helpful.It helps you feel more in control which minimises stress.

To those of you who feel the financial impact will be too high I say just do it.
It's feels like a loss but you will recover and most people can rebuild after a divorce, especially if you have career potential.I am going through a divorce and will be worse off but I have faith in my ability.Once I switched off that 'concern' it made the decision much easier.

Thanks for your comments, I am thinking them all over, honestly. I know you are all speaking from a well meaning impulse, sometimes it is hard to know you are in the wrong and not having courage to act. It is just difficult sometimes (always) with everything that goes on, and kids, and I do feel the lack of my own family. You have all given me more food for thought. I was not meaning to hijack OP's thread though, OP hope you are still out there and OK.

Oh yes still here and ok... just reading through all the comments. I acknowledge that a lot of my concerns are financial/practical but what I'm trying to work out is whether the emotional compromise (an understatement!) is acceptable to balance that. I am the only one earning but my work/industry is under threat and my income is plummeting daily. I'm also freelance and because of the current decline in work no-one in their right mind would give me a mortgage. Our house is in his name only but I pay the mortgage every month - but that wouldn't be enough for the mortgage provider to let me take it on would it? And I can't move - we've moved a fair few times and the kids are finally really settled and not only that I bloody love this house.
I have small (secret) savings, no family anywhere nearby and no improved job prospects lined up - though not through lack of looking.
Keep thinking that I just need to get a good solid job... then the money worries would disappear and one of two things would happen... either the removal of stress will improve our relationship and we'll all live happily ever after, or my improved situation will make me feel strong enough to stand on my own two feet, I'd be able to take on the mortgage in my name and we'd all live happily ever after...
Here's hoping !