Nice mum, shame about the kids and vice versa ...

[Ghosty]

Does anyone else have this sort of situation ...
A) I have a really good friend that I have a lot of time for. She is really funny and kind and easy to talk to. But I don't particularly like her children. Well, one is nice, but the older one is awful and when they come round they wreck DS' toys or lose them and fight over who can play with DS etc. I find it kind of draining.
And
B) DS has a really lovely friend at Kindergarten who is just the nicest of boys. He is polite and kind and plays really nicely with DS ... one of those sorts of boys that I like DS to play with ... he is good for my DS. But I have absolutely nothing in common with the mum, I have tried and tried, we have coffee once a week together and I find myself trying really hard to think of things to say ... she is a nice lady but a 'down' person and when I have spent time with her I feel depressed! I like to spend my time with 'up' people IYKWIM ...
She and I just have no common ground and believe me I have looked hard to find some ...

Wise mumsnetters ... what is your experience of this and what (if anything) do you do about it?

I don't know what if anything you can do about it, but I think this problem is common. My mom still hasn't forgiven me for having a best friend through childhood whose mother was awful. Though this childhood best friend and I went our separate ways when we went off to Uni, her mother is STILL annoying my mom (doesn't have too many friends, I guess) after all these years. I don't have much sympathy for my mom on this, though; I believe there ARE ways to extricate oneself from a bad friendship, though it can be v. hard with a certain kind of persistent person.

I also think it's inevitable that you'll have a different dynamic with different members of a family. Often I think "Great guy, too bad about his wife" & vice versa. I even have that within my own family and extended family!

I did feel a chill when you talked about the "down" mum, though. I think I, myself, have lost a friend or two for having a naturally dark lens on the world despite trying to hide the existence of this lens. I bet she has no idea she's putting people off. I feel sort of sorry for her, but if there's no connection, there's no connection. There must be something to like about her if you search hard, but if there's not, there's not, and it might be worth trying to distance yourself by saying you're too busy to meet with her for coffee etc, and just keeping the relationship strictly about the boys.

I know what you mean expatmum ... about the 'down' mum ... I feel sorry for her too - I guess that is why I meet up with her, in the vain hope that I might be able to cheer her up a bit - but she never has anything cheerful to say about anything ... if the sun is shining it is too hot, that kind of thing ...
She has lots of issues with her family, DH etc and I do listen, but everytime we get together we end up talking about really sad things like miscarriages (we have both had one) and her DH's affair and her dysfunctional relationship with her sister ... and all I want to say is "Just lighten up will you?"
God, I sound like a really mean cow now and I'm not, honest ... I am really happy to listen and everything ... but it is just everytime we get together I come away feeling miserable ...

Oh dear Ghosty! I am all paranoid now I am 'down' mum or 'naughty kids' mum but seriously though my friend is wonderful but her kids are the wreck your house type and tbh it does annoy me a bit but at the end of the day she keeps me sane and we really are great friends. I just have to think a wrecked house and a nice friend is better (?!)

Your "down mum" is a LOT worse than me. I don't really complain I just tend to worry silently about impending doom. She sounds annoying TBH. I also don't think it's your job to cheer her up, unless she's a really close friend. I get a bit annoyed when people I don't know very well seem to want something sort of psychiatric in nature from me.

You are NOT a mean cow, Ghosty!!!

Just to paraphrase myself, but more articulately this time around (hopefully ): your situation sounds awfully familiar; I just wish I knew the answer! I have lots of mum friends in London, but not a single close friend--no one that I really click with in the way I did with my US friends, despite the fact that our kids get on well. So I really do know what you mean.

I think I'm a down mum with nightmare kids

Ghosty, could you offer to have 'down' mum's ds for a morning to play, and her to have your ds back another day? Are they of an age where it would be appropriate or are they a bit young for being apart from their mums? You could say "I'm taking ds down to the park and he asked if x could come too, it'll give you a breather" or something like. Just a thought.

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I hear ya Jimjams - ditto!

Ghosty re:down mum - instead of going for the coffee, why not go to the cinema - this will kill 2 birds with one stone - you won't have to talk much, and this will provide a neutral topic for conversation. Also could down mum be suffering from depression - could you gently suggest she go to her doctor to discuss this?

Thanks for the replies everyone ...
Jimjams .... noooooooooooooooo - now I feel really like an awful old bag ......... ....... {{{{{}}}}}
Miaou ... great minds think alike! I have just suggested this to the mum and she has jumped at the chance .... I am to have her DS on Tuesday afternoon and then my DS will go to theirs on Thursday next week ... so we will only have a quick cuppa when we pick up ... I think this could work ... and maybe I can cheer her up a bit too.
Not sure I am up to an evening out with her yet ... she came round here for a glass of wine one evening and it was dooom doom dooom ....
I think she may be depressed MummytoSteven ... but I don't know her well enough to bring it up really ... I will see how the land lies next time and see if I can find an opportunity ...
ggglimpopo .... how awful about your friend ... I think her children were out of order! With my other friend ... I try to see her when it is a nice day, then they can run around outside rather than wreck everything in the house ... I have tried talking to her about it, and she says 'Children are children, they break things' ... I understand that but my child doesn't break everything he touches ... and hers seem to have no respect for anything ...
Blimey ... sound like a precious old meannie ... I promise I am not

i know just what you mean. i have a good friend and i feel terribly guilty but i cannot stand her kids. they are rude, rough and general little monsters. i cant stand being in her house when they are awake. i know thats awful and this isnt an excuse but i have bad nerves and i feel a nervous wreck every time ive encountered them. i dont invite them to my house for the same reason, they would wreck it in 5 minutes and when i say wreck i dont just mean make a mess. it would be broken to bits!

Some of my friends' kids and my boys don't get along well. And it's my son who tends to trash things if given the chance, so I don't go to some people's houses -- too stressful for me (um, to keep him in line, which I do, but it precludes any adult conversation).

Anyway in both cases (stressful houses, kids not getting on), I'm still friends with them and it's great for me to have adult friends to hang out with when we have the chance. I guess, maybe just consider Friend A as an adult friend and leave out the kids.

ghosty maybe she's just moaning to the wrong person- or maybe she doesn't want to be cheered up iyswim........ That sounds a bit strange but I have friends that I moan to all the time. These are my autism friends and we moan about how crap everything is almost every day. Our lives are equally crap and for the same reasons so being able to moan to each other makes it more bearable. Also we all have nightmare kids as well and so we can go to each other's houses and relax a little. I don't really moan to friends who aren't in the same situation- or if I do only briefly - and usually just as an explanation about what's going on. I don't want to stop moaning to my autism frineds because if I did I would explode, but I know it wouldn't be appropriate to moan to non-auti friends iyswim. Maybe you need to find her a "moaning pal" and then she'll get it all out of her system with them

But Jimjams, I bet you still have a bit of a laugh about stuff to your 'moaning' mates don't you? I mean, I moan ... I've moaned a lot this week ... - sick baby, headaches etc and I have had a good old moan to my mate (The first one in my original post) about it all today on the phone, but we still had a giggle and a laugh about other stuff as she also moaned about her week (her kids trashing other people's houses ) ....

I don't know- we quite often stop the conversation to say "moan moan moan". Just got off the phone to a friend, moaned about SALT, she moaned about her dd hitting a bad patch. We did talk about hearing the baby's heart beat though (just heard it.

I remembver the time a playscheme was organised on a Saturday at the autism unit. Parents could have a cup of coffee and a stress councillor was hired to talk to the group. She asked people to describe their days and their sources of stress and then started welling up and crying!!!! Then at the next session she said she had been emotionally drained by learning about life with autistic kids and that she'd had to go home and sit in the garden and felt down for the rest of the day! WTF??? Chocolate teapot of a stress councillor! I thought it was hilarious but some people were quite upset (I think they had been hoping she wouuld have some advice, rather than just telling then that their lives upset her!)

Back to the original question though of spending time with people who aren't your type. If its a real chore I just don't do it now. And if someone brings me down I definitely don't do it.

Thanks Jimjams ...
LOL re. chocolate teapot ... took me a while to get it ...

Oh, and YAY! re. heartbeat!

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Totally empathise - have really nice , kind , helpful friend whose kids come round and literally wreck our house - she turns a blind eye when thinks get broken, smashed, trampled etc. I am nervous wreck and cant concentrate on our conversation - i now suggest picnics in the park, nature walks, trip to beach etc etc - anything to avoid our house!