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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

No romance at all - am I expecting too much?

21 replies

Dollypoppy · 19/09/2016 00:02

Met OLD, together 8 months. No mention of love at all, not sure either of us are feeling it.

We spend every weekend together, get on really well and the sex is great.

He is a good, kind, honest man who would help me whenever possible. He listens and gives good advice. He holds my hand and can be affectionate, although I am more touchy feely.

He has been in two LTR, both ended with ExW cheating on him. I know he loved them deeply as he often declared his love for them on Facebook not a stalker, no not me and it just feels as though his capacity for love and romance has all been used up and he won't love again.

Both in 40's and I know it sounds pathetic, but I want gestures and I want to be loved. But apart from that he is a really good man and reading some of the horror stories on here I wonder - should I just be grateful for what I have?

OP posts:

justabigdisco · 19/09/2016 00:05

Don't settle. If it doesn't feel good enough now, it certainly won't feel any better in 10 years time

Original poster

Dollypoppy · 19/09/2016 00:31

I thought that might be my answer.

The thought of going through OLD again though...

It took ages to find someone that is almost right for me. I might never find that elusive someone special, so sometimes think I should stick with what I have. And other times I can't stop crying when I think I might never hear anyone tell me they love me.

I was so close, I was almost there

OP posts:

NickNacks · 19/09/2016 00:47

What did he say when you said that you loved him?

Original poster

Dollypoppy · 19/09/2016 01:35

I didn't say anything, but we were talking about love and committment and he basically said 'been there, got the T shirt'.

OP posts:

HelenaDove · 19/09/2016 01:39

Both his ex W cheated on him?

MariposaUno · 19/09/2016 01:56

For me after experiencing the things your are searching for and and as lonely I may get(now single) I think it's worth not settling for anything less than what I expect and would give in a rl.

I had less than I wanted before and it didn't work for me as well as I didn't feel I could give them my all without feeling shortchanged, my last relationship was everything that I could need, life directions going in different ways but I still won't lose that hope.

With his history he sounds guarded with the been there done that comment and I don't blame him but it's what you want/need that really matters.

Original poster

Dollypoppy · 19/09/2016 03:58

Yes Helena, that's right.

OP posts:

TheNaze73 · 19/09/2016 08:28

He's given you the clues, he's been cheated on twice by exw. Of course he's going for self preservation here. Had this been 18 months in, I'd say you may have an issue but, with his backstory & the fact it's only been 8 months, I think you need to cut him some slack here.

Madinche1sea · 19/09/2016 10:03

I agree with theNaze - it's understandable that he's probably all about self- preservation.

Sorry if this is a bit personal, but does he not even tell you he loves you during sex? I think I'd definitely be needing that after 8 months.

The first few months of s relationship should be an exciting phase really. Even if he doesn't tell you he loves you, does he make an effort to take you out or do thoughtful things? Or do you feel like you're already in a bit of a rut?

The good thing about being in your 40s is that you've seen enough of life to know what you're about and what matters. Your feelings are totally valid and you have every right to expect a bit of romance and to know where you stand. Everybody has a past, but it's the future that matters. If I were you, I would lay things on the line with him and tell him life is to short.

LesisMiserable · 19/09/2016 10:19

As if there's a time limit for saying I love you , what are we 12??

Opentooffers · 19/09/2016 10:53

Wow, someone who expects or needs declarations of love during sex!(not meaning you OP). To me, that would be the one time that I'd least likely believe such a declaration, and it's a bit lame of someone to do so then. That's just the point where hormones and enjoyment make you caught up in the moment, rather than meaning any serious and thoughtful long term commitment. Take any such declarations like that with a pinch of salt, when given during sex.
I'd say don't get hung up on the words at this point, and don't take it personally. It has only been 8 months, if you are enjoying your time together, why destroy it with paranoid thoughts that you may not be his 'one'? You may yet become the one for him, further down the line, or it may become more obvious that he is not the one for you - works both ways. People don't always develop feelings to the same timeline, give it more time and either you will meet at the same point (he will catch up) or you will have sussed that he will never get there.
To suggest to a person that after 8 months they either declare love or it's over, is somewhat OTT, and comes across as a little desperately rushing for a need. Your tears say more about your desperation for it, than anything he has done wrong. Perhaps you should look into why you are crying over the need for love.

clumsyduck · 19/09/2016 12:06

I don't think he's doing anything wrong it's probably self preservation but that doesn't mean that you have to settle if it's not what you want !!

Have you spoken about the future ??

HuskyLover1 · 19/09/2016 12:41

It's only been 8 months. If everything else is good, I would stick with it. He is bound to be a bit cautious, he has been badly hurt in the past. Continue as you are, enjoy it, see where it goes and relax!

cottencandy55 · 19/09/2016 14:55

I would definitely give it more time if it was a longer time period then I would think again. I know what you mean about not wanting to do the online dating again that's how I met my dp although he was my first date I would never do online dating again so I see your worry there.

Original poster

Dollypoppy · 19/09/2016 17:55

Thank you, everyone. It's not really a case of him catching up with me, it's more a worry of shouldn't we be feeling something more by now?

He makes it clear he cares in what he does, as do I. I would just like something more tangible every now and then. I just want some flowers! I do realise I sound so shallow.

And I don't cry over the need to be loved, more over the fact I will never by loved iyswim.

I will heed your advice, and not try and fix something which isn't broken. I'm not feeling in any rush, and if, in time, I want more than he can give then I'll move on. I don't want to settle. As you said Mad, in my 40s so I know what I want and what I don't want.

OP posts:

HelenaDove · 19/09/2016 19:38

OP Why should you be made to pay the price for the way other women have possibly treated him. I thought men who slagged off their exes were a red flag?!

A. If they did treat him badly that is not your fault and not your price to pay.

B. Perhaps they cheated (IF they did) because there was a lack of romance and/or sex and/or intimacy.

Either way it is not your price to pay!

Original poster

Dollypoppy · 19/09/2016 21:32

Thank you Helena, I do feel that I'm reaping what someone else has sown. He did say both ExW said he was unromantic so I suppose I can't really be surprised.

I just can't understand how hard it is to buy flowers or chocolates once in a while. And I can't ask for them, where's the thought in that?

OP posts:

HandyWoman · 19/09/2016 21:47

tbh it doesn't sound like you are 'reaping what those women have sewn' - it sounds like this is just 'who he is'.

It sounds like you and he aren't compatible.

Sounds like a 'love languages' issue.

We're all different, I don't expect gestures like spontaneous flowers or chocolates. But for you it's important. That's ok.

I think you need to be in a relationship with someone who offers that.

Madinche1sea · 19/09/2016 21:51

Dolly - I think you can ask for them actually! Not as in, "I would like these particular things by 6pm tomorrow please", but more just letting him know that you would appreciate these kind if gestures in general. As you say, it's not that hard for him is it? Small things can mean a lot. He doesn't need to change his whole personality or think of it as a big deal - just be a bit more thoughtful about what matters to you.

Prawnofthepatriarchy · 20/09/2016 00:02

How someone behaves is a lot more important than what they say. A lot of British men seem to be not too great on romantic gestures but they would give you the shirt off their back.

Given a choice between romantic and kind I'd go for kind every time.

This bloke has been chewed up and spat out. Of course he's wary. Do you not think you might cut him some slack?

On the other hand, if you can't bear the thought of a lifetime without romance then end it, as he may never change. It's a question of priorities. You decide.

Opentooffers · 20/09/2016 09:55

If you are crying at the disappointment of being in your 40's and yet to find someone you feel you are able to spend your life with, I can relate to that. If that's it, then it sounds like you are aware that you are beginning to check out of your current relationship.
It's deflating the thought of having to start again from scratch, especially when it's been preceded by high hopes of building a future. You want to be sure here though, that it's not you creating the barriers.
You say you get on great, are affectionate and the sex is great, he's good, kind and honest, seems the perfect guy on the surface apart from not giving you flowers? Is it just that though?I doubt it's just lack of flora and chocs somehow, if you are not feeling it, then you are not getting the rush of excitement perhaps, and that is what you are missing.
Could it be that he's too predictable, no surprises in general? Something is turning you off, but is it him or are you looking too hard for a reason? I still think as time goes on, the answer will become more obvious and it may be a little early to bail. See how the Xmas period goes, you can learn a lot about the other around this time, at 8 months you won't have experienced a xmas together yet, I have a feeling you will know by New Year whether to end it or not, whats a few months out of 40 odd years of your life?

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