Would/have you married again?

[Forgettheworld]

I'm 31 (almost 32) I was with my ex 10 years. We married, had a DS who is now 4, but when DS was 1 we split up and are now divorced. I left him because I had completely fell out of love with him. I didn't fancy him I hated kissing him and most importantly he wasn't there for me when I was pregnant or after the birth. I remember being sat on my own in hospital with DS all the time while he was in bed all day at home. I had pre eclampsia so was still quite poorly after the birth. He would work all night then come home from work, go straight to bed and then out to the gym I had no support from him. I thought at the time the age of 28 I couldn't stay with him forever.

It was hard but I left, got my own place loved it, then met my now DP 5 month later. We have been together 2 and half year we are so In love, lived together since February. He is brilliant to DS (DS still sees his DF) DP only had one serious relationship, no DC, still lived at home when we met. From the beginning I have said and told DP that I would never marry again. Just the heartache, hardwork and expense of divorce plus I would feel embarrassed inviting the same family members to my wedding again. My DP agreed he wasn't bothered about marriage, that it was just a bit of paper to him but that he wanted children. I am actually coming off the pill after Xmas to TTC. Anyway lately DP keeps saying things like "we could do that at our wedding" or "we could do that when we're married." He also said he'd have a tattoo n his wedding finger instead of a ring when we get married. I just don't know what to think. I made it clear my intentions was to never marry again but what if he wants to now? I know I need to talk to him but I'm
Scared we won't be on the same page. Those who've married when they said they wouldn't or married again how did you feel about it?

Been there - got the t-shirt - the shitty divorce and never again.
But..... having said that, I'm knocking on a bit and I would lose out financially if I married by current OH.
He has 3 DC and I have 1 and I'm protecting myself and my DD by not marrying.
Not that I would anyway.
Not that he would want to either!
6 years on and he's still fighting out for his divorce.
Mine took 5 years.
Never again!!!

You're young and planning on having more DC with your DP. You are understandably wary after your first bad experience, but your DP seems to be a completely different person.

Personally, I would only have DC with someone with the security of marriage. It gives legal safeguards to you and the DC. If you don't feel committed enough to someone to marry them, you should not even think if having DC with them!

Though, in my situation, somewhat older than you, older teenagers and no chance of ever having any more, I don't see any reason to get married again if I split with DH. Causes too much complication with money. My money is for passing on to my DC, not to a second husband.

I remarried. Didn't have dcs from marriage 1 though so I suppose that made it easier. Dh and I didn't want the big wedding thing, we wanted to get married so had a very small non expensive registry office affair.

It's totally up to you what you feel comfortable doing though.

Him dropping not too subtle hints would piss me right off. If he's changed his mind, then he should tell you and you can discuss it together like grown ups.

Dancing around the subject isn't a communication precedent I'd encourage.

I've been separated 3 years and not divorced yet. I don't expect the divorce to be difficult but I may eat my words when it comes.

I don't believe I will ever want to live with someone or marry again because I am done having children. In your situation - planning a child, I would marry again.

Just make sure that he is actually a good prospect and not another responsibility averse manchild.

I do feel commited to my DP I just don't feel like I need to get married to show that. I understand it being security if we do have more DC but if we divorced I know how much of an hassle it is emotionally and financially. I feel like he is the one and I know I'll be with him a long time but I don't know how people can say they'll never split from their partners nobody knows. id rather just know if we did split I could go my separate ways a bit more easily. At the moment my money's mine, his money's his and I'd like to keep it that way.

I don't think you are ready for a child if you like having separate finances TBH.

There is nothing wrong with wanting that independence in a relationship IMO it but it is tough and it is virtually always the woman's finances that take a hit after a child.

I feel very similarly about being independent but it is also the main reason I would not have a child with my childless BF - if you are not prepared to share money I don't think you are prepared to share a child TBH.

And I don't see marriage as a being together forever thing, I see it as an agreement to share finances which is important if you are planning or have a child together.

I was with for 20 years and 2 DC. He wouldn't marry and I've been left with financial issues.
I got married only in January and I think it won't work. Since marriage his behaviour has worsened as if he feels "safe" to revert to type.
If you love and trust enough to TTC then I'd say protect yourself by marrying. If you don't, do neither.

Sorry on phone that's not come out well.
Was with exP 20 years and 2 DC.
And in one case I wish I had been married (would have had a claim as had been SAHM and all assets in his name) and in another, maybe not, as H's behaviour might not have deteriorated or if it had, easier to leave.
For me it's having children that is the bigger decision.