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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

I don't know how to fix us.

20 replies

wildlingtribe · 18/09/2016 14:58

We've been together ten years, four small kids (5,4,2,5m) and we are worse than we've ever been.

We have no time together.
He gets solo time (work, football, nights out)
I need to do more for myself but I defined this hard being away from the kids, plus breastfeeding for the past six years.
Confidence has got so bad, I don't go anywhere but also I feel like we're arguing a lot and I am made to feel like I overreact.

So for instance.

He drinks most days after work. (Apparently work is stressful I understand) but still most days..

Either goes to the pub before coming home or drinks at home.

Our romance has died. He says I freeze him out. Maybe but in tired all the time and get out off when he drinks.

I end up losing my rag easy when tired..

Last night he went out, I asked if he would be back late as the baby hasn't been well and all four kids haven't been sleeping well.

He got in at 4am and stayed on the sofa most of the day.

He's now gone out and got himself lunch.

Seriously what's gone wrong???

Do I need to be more selfish and do more for me ?

Is it Saveable?

OP posts:

Cabrinha · 18/09/2016 15:09

You can't fix it alone.
Whether you could fix it together, depends on how willing you are to give ultimatums you mean and how much he actually wants it to work.

As an aside: one thing you do need to fix is your contraception. Even if all 4 were planned - and given the situation I'd guess not - don't risk an accidental 5th.

If I were you, I'd work out the practicality of going it alone (where you'll live, the money...) then give him ultimatums.

But actually - have a good think if you really want to be with him at all.

melibu84 · 18/09/2016 15:16

I'm going to assume he always wasn't like this? It sounds like he is being quite selfish. He's not thinking of how looking after all those kids will impact you. Maybe he's trying to shy away from parenting, which is why he doesn't want to be at home. You've had a lot of kids in a short space of time, maybe he wasn't ready for this.

I really think you need to sit down with him and have a proper discussion about how you're feeling, and spending more time together. Only then will you know for sure if there is anything worth saving.

Original poster

wildlingtribe · 18/09/2016 15:19

I do. I love him.

Contraception... I am taking and to be honest we don't get time to do anything.

We haven't been like this forever, hence our happy family together but it's this year it's strained.

I feel unappreciated he feels the same so we're at logger heads constantly.

He says I should get out more, but I always feel I have to sacrifice a lot in order to do so, so I don't. Him, it's always a lot easier. No one else gets effected but me.

He sees that he works hard, he's entitled to have a life.

I work hard too but sometimes it seems irrelevant.

OP posts:

timelytess · 18/09/2016 15:19

Sounds to me like he's already left.
You want to 'save' your relationship, so give it a go. See if he wants that, too.

Original poster

wildlingtribe · 18/09/2016 15:22

We had this conversation last week as he said he feels like if he says "yes I've been to the pub" I'm going to quiz or lash out.

I just get pissed off that it's most days of the week but he can't see it as an issue on us, me, our family?

And it's one of those things that take time, we could rekindle, things take time when you have small kids, but even if we didn't make things work, I know it would be worse (difficult in laws) and I want to make it work, he said he does but we just disagree on the drink and stuff. He does say I need to do more for me though but it's as if it's "well it's your choice not to do something, I'll do it anyway"

OP posts:

Original poster

wildlingtribe · 18/09/2016 15:27

Me: I think having me time is taking it away from the kids when they ask to come.
He finds it easy.

Plus what doesn't make this easy is in feeling quite depressed and isolated where I have no one to talk to but my dad and I don't like to tell him as I don't want him thinking badly of us when we're usually happy.

No one to confide in so I go crazy in my own head wondering what to do as everyone around me seems to be getting on just fine.

OP posts:

AttilaTheMeerkat · 18/09/2016 15:32

You write that you disagree with him re drink. Do you think he drinks too much?.

How does he show that he loves you? What do you get out of this relationship, what needs of yours does he himself meet?. He does state that you do need to do more for you but when do you ever get the time to do that after his own nights out and football?. In his own ways he is making it more difficult for you.

You write that his parents are difficult; is he really a carbon copy of them?. After all he grew up with them and likely regards what they do as normal.

You cannot save a relationship on your own, no-one can act as either a rescuer and or saviour in any relationship. He has to want to properly listen as well and I do not see any signs of him doing that.

Original poster

wildlingtribe · 18/09/2016 15:33

We have sat down. Many times but the next day he will come home having been at the pub or with a hand of beers for the evening.

He says I choose not to drink, he does.

I have no objection to drink but when it's a lot of the week, not just one, and a way to "chill out" I find it offensive.

We talk some nights, but it then leads to discussions we have a lot and then it's just the same. We haven't been on a date in ages, we don't have quality time, romance is fizzled out. He says I don't make the effort with him and I just put it off and that makes him feel bad. But then I say he ignores me when we talk, and dismisses me when I say I'm tired ( feeding a baby most nights, and have so for the past few years)

Or do I need to try and just do more for myself that way it balances it? M
I haven't a clue. I just think if I start doing the things I want aside from a nun in being selfish. He sees there nothing wrong with drinking and pub most days.

He does so much for our family, he works so hard just started his own business, treats us well, food, we are happy a lot of the time but when these rough patches come around it makes us so unhappy. M
Mi think the issue is BALaNCE and I need to find it, so it's fair and we need to for our family and us.

OP posts:

ImperialBlether · 18/09/2016 15:37

He's utterly selfish. You have four children, one just five months old. You wanted him to be home early and he came home at 4 am, slept all day then went out to buy himself lunch. Absolutely selfish behaviour.

And how are you meant to do things for yourself if he's not there to take over and look after the children? Does he have an answer to that?

Original poster

wildlingtribe · 18/09/2016 15:37

I think what doesn't help is that I am in a low place. Isolated, and depressed but with no one to talk to I understand he may feel overwhelmed by my feelings but it's as if what I feel is normal to him sometimes? And he just says he tries to understand but find it hard, that maybe I should get out more. He said all I have to do is say.

I don't make it easier by not finding it easy being away from my kids. I have solely devoted my whole being to them for the past six years and now I see its impacted me bad in a way as I don't feel I know who I am without my kids. I don't know what girlfriend to be. But also these things need time and I never get it!

OP posts:

AttilaTheMeerkat · 18/09/2016 15:38

How long have you felt both depressed and isolated; is the location where you are now also a problem?. What are the root causes of your overall unhappiness, is it mainly your man and his behaviours that is making you feel bad and unappreciated?.

Have you talked to your GP or HV, this may well be worth doing now. With four children aged 5 and under it is all too easy to be and feel overwhelmed.

I would hope that your dad would not think badly of you anyway regardless of what you tell him.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 18/09/2016 15:41

What does your dad make of your partner?

I do not think you can actually write "he treats us well" because he does not treat you, the mother of his children, well at all.

BubblingUp · 18/09/2016 15:44

Apart from the DH issues, you need to get to the mental point where you can separate from your children for short periods of time and still be able to breath and not panic. Start with 30 minutes. You need to rediscover you as a person apart from being a mother. It's good for your kids, too.

ImperialBlether · 18/09/2016 15:49

Do you have a gym or a swimming pool near you? Could you say that okay, you do need time out, so you're going to the gym three or four times a week, and you're going to go at 7.30 pm, so he'll have to be at home with the children then?

Original poster

wildlingtribe · 18/09/2016 16:13

I think it's the fact I get bitter about him having a life outside of our family and I dont. But that's down to me isn't it.

I end up resenting his freedom. And that's bad of me as I'm the person who can dig me out of this head set.

The reason I feel low is due to myself. Constant guilt, mum guilt, feeling inadequate, my friends have fizzled away, I feel like anything I do isn't right, so I'm the main issue I guess. And get worked up when he see to his wants.

I just need to make myself a priority more I think.

Yes I do need to space myself from the kids more, it'll take time but I need to.

But even then I feel guilty for thinking that! Silly right?

OP posts:

Original poster

wildlingtribe · 18/09/2016 16:15

My dad loves him. He is good to us, I just keep seeing the bad in everything at the minute as I think so low of myself.

He is trying to have a life outside of a parent and I should do the same instead of being jealous maybe

OP posts:

Ooogetyooo · 18/09/2016 19:07

Yes he is entitled to a bit of a life outside the family but drinking like this when he knows it makes you uncomfortable isn't the way to go about it . He sounds selfish to me

Original poster

wildlingtribe · 28/09/2016 16:49

We've been a lot better since talking about things.

He's been supportive when I've been down, as maybe now I think he is trying to understand.
Hopefully it will stay balanced.

OP posts:

ExpatTrailingSpouse · 28/09/2016 16:58

I don't know if I missed you saying it, but has he offered to actually be home and watch the kids sometime so you can take yourself off down the pub instead of him?! (I mean maybe not since you had the 2.5 month old but before that even).

Just a thought...

adora1 · 28/09/2016 17:30

You are unbelievably tolerant OP, he's utterly selfish, where is the team work, where is his concern for you, where is his help, coming home at 4am when you have four kids - Jesus, goes out drinking when he wants. He's acting like a single man, it's not up to you to fix anything, he should be feeling awful for the way he's been treating you and his family but instead he throws it back on you and you question yourself, I mean, has he actually done anything for you, I get that he works, we all do and we are all capable of providing financially but does he ever think about anyone else other than himself?

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