So disheartened! Alcohol again

[Squeegle]

I'm just so sad. Split up from xDP over 4 years ago due to long time drink problem (his). DCs have always known about it, they were 10 and 8 at the time. He actually stopped drinking completely for about 2 years. But has started to go back to binges- about 2 years ago. Generally I just make sure they dont go there if I knew he has been drinking, but as they get older I don't always know. He was supposed to have them yesterday but didn't as he was "not in a good place"

And today he texted my DD and asked her to meet her half way. I could tell she was worried, as she needs to do her homework, and she struggles with it (homework) big time anyway. So she asked me to call him. She was scared to upset him. Which I did. And he said fine, ok she can stay there. I asked if he was ok and he put the phone down on me. (Normal if he has been drinking)

My DD then looked all guilty, I asked her if she was ok, she told me she was worried about her dad. She said she is worried he will fall over and hit his head and hurt himself.

I'm just so angry. He can't see how much pain he causes to the DCs - they are worrying about him. I've tried to be really calm and say, look it's dad's choice, sometimes people don't make the right choices etc. But it's really hard to see her worrying about her dad and how he might injure himself if he's drunk.

Apart from their dad they have no one really apart from me . I feel so defeated, and don't really know how best to support them. Both DCs have problems at school, they're both young for their ages and not very savvy. It's very hard .

I honestly believe that you are born with an inherent addictive gene or not. I know that I don't have it - I used to smoke but found it a doddle to give up, and I drink quite a lot, and have drunk to excess in the past. But never have I been tempted to keep on drinking over days, and to the detriment of everything else. But I think for some people it's just not the same. And it is a tragedy, it makes me sad. I would like my xDP to be better, but I don't know if he ever will be...

It is a tragic waste. See I think I do have quite an addictive personality. I used to smoke but did give up. I watch what I drink and look out for unhealthy patterns. It's easy to slip down a slope towards addiction. (Be that alcohol, pills or even exercise!)

Hmm, I certainly haven't been grabbed by the exercise addiction shame!

Me neither. Here's hoping it suddenly takes over. If I get that and the addiction to eating only celery then I'm on to a winner!
Oh sod it!

So.... I told him. He had obviously been drinking at the weekend. And I sent him a text saying that unless he was committed to staying off alcohol then the DCs would not be staying at his.

He was obviously off work on Monday (hangover?) and popped round on Tuesday. The kids were at school. When I repeated what I had said - that he was not to be in charge of them, he accused me of trying to control him like I always had done. Told me it was all different now and went off in a strop. Since then I have had several conversations with the school about DS 12's various issues. He is in trouble and hanging around with troublesome groups.
I just feel so alone, and so fed up that he is being so awful, especially when he is aware that our DS is in trouble and needs him.

Would Alateen be of any use for the children OP? And even AlAnon for you?
www.al-anonuk.org.uk/public/faqs-alateen

I think it would be; today I am just getting through it all. My DS is really difficult, defiant, rude, in trouble at school. It's just so hard to cope with. I feel like this has been going on forever and even though he doesn't live here anymore he is still the DCs father and I am coping with the fallout from all of his inconsistency. My DS even wants to go and live with him. He is so troublesome that I am quite tempted. But it's not the right thing obviously.

First of all big hugs - I have been there and know how monumentally shit it is.

Your ex is trying to deflect his guilt by making you feel bad - alcoholics are untrustworthy self pitying liars - nothing is ever their fault in their minds.

Have you told the school the situation with your ex? I did with my kids and found it really helpful.

Does he have joint parenting rights? (Sorry if not right terminology) - may be worth getting some legal advice re conditions of him having kids?

Do you have people to support you?

olly, thank you. I do have people I can talk to - I don't hide it at all any more which is much better. But of course, most people don't really get it, even if they're sympathetic, and I think unless you've been there it's hard to have any idea of what it's like. So I appreciate your words. It is just a roller coaster even now, and although I'm aware it's a cycle, I am so angry that he has got back on again, that I find it hard to be detached yet again.

I haven't told the school, but I may do. I'm sure the situation does have an impact on both of the DCs mental health- even though they state they are ok with it, and my DS says "he can look after himself". Just sometimes it gets me down- like when I am planning to go away and I realise I don't think I can do it - it would be nice to have one person I could leave the children with reliably for a few days, but I don't really. They do have friends and I could ask their parents, but o don't want to go out of the country and have the risk of their dad being difficult while I am away.

And we don't have any formal arrangements re the kids. It has been his habit to have them once or twice a week, but I'm not so happy about this now I know he's back to the binging.