Partner's friends

[Gypsiestar]

My partner's friends do not like me.

He had an affair about six months ago and I am giving him a second chance. It has been hard getting past it and we are going to counselling etc. His friends don't think we should be trying again, they don't think it is worth him trying to work on our relationship and it turns out that they never really liked me in the first place. OW is one of his friends good friends.

All hell has broken loose this weekend because my partner took me away for my birthday. It was also said friend's birthday dinner that I was not invited to and didn't know about and that the ow was going to be present at. However apparently it is all my fault that he didn't go and I am isolating him from his friends.

It's awful. He chose not to go, I didn't force him (although admittedly I would have been very upset if I found out that he had gone and she was there). Yet I'm the one being blamed for being a "controlling bitch". He has stood up for me but they don't believe him.

I don't really know what to do. Things are pretty fragile between us still and now his friends are being even more awful about us then usual. I know I can't stop him from seeing them but I wish he wouldn't.

This sounds like a difficult position to be in, gypsie. I'm sorry I haven't got any good advice, but unless he loses these unpleasant friends it sounds like there would be enough stress on your relationship to destroy it. Unless he gets them to butt out, it might have to be a 'them or me' situation.... Hopefully someone with better advice will be along soon.

How do you know they are saying this?

Thanks Fritz. I just don't get it. Surely they can understand that if he is trying to work things out with me that he wouldn't go to an event that OW was going to be at?

I wish I could say friends or me. Except then that does mean I'm being controlling doesn't it? I just want them to keep their mouths shut and not be so awful.

I know because I woke up to a pretty unpleasant message from one of his friends this morning about it and then partner told me he had got messages too when I showed him the one I got.

Sounds like they preferred his relationship with OW and are out to sabotage you and him. Surely he can see this, and if he doesn't respect your relationship enough to ask them to mind their own business you deserve better.

I knew a friendship group like this, there was two couples in the group and they expected to be involved with everything but anyone who had a partner outside the group was basically told "we just want to hang out with you" and partners outside the group were frequently left off invites for weekends away, meals out etc, and they were very pushy with a few of the guys to ditch their girlfriends and get with one of the girls in the group so 'they could all hang out together'

They group has since drifted apart (from their posts on FB anyway) and I think that had a lot to do with it. Reads like a teen movie, but they are all nearing 30s now!

It's not you, it's them. I have a feeling that you could be (and probably are) the lovliest person for you OH, but they can't see past that you weren't in their group before. I can imagine it's a horrible feeling, but if you and your partner are happy, that's what matters.

I think they did prefer it :( (possibly even encouraged it but he should never ever have done it in the first place.)

Tbh if we didn't have the commitments that we do then I probably would have walked away when I found out.

But I've given him another chance and we are trying to hard to work things out, just don't need this negativity :(

Part of your condition of working it out with him should be for him to cut all contact with:

• people who are rude about you
• people who closely socialise with the OW

How serious is he about making your marriage work?

The key here is what does your partner think. I would have thought that the minute they had a go at you it would be enough to enrage him and make him want to drop those friends in an instant. If that isn't his reaction then why not - as that's the evidence/behaviour that shows he is committed to you not the untested words that are said when you decide to try again.

I'm sorry OP this sounds horrible. I don't think I could accept my OH staying friends with this group either, they sound pretty toxic. Why does he still want to be friends than if they're sending both of you abusive messages?

If one of my DHs friends sent me a horrible text, he'd never talk to them again. He'd have utter contempt for them. He'd realise they were the arsehole they were.

Considering the infidelity, I would seriously question how much this man has your back. It doesn't seem like much.

And incidentally, how did he answer the texts he got? I bet he didn't answer them at all, or as neutrally as possible. I very much doubt he said "Never ever speak about Gypsie that way again".

I think he's clearly outgrown these friends and he ought to really start cutting them out of his life and showing them that they are being horribly unfair on him - it's ok to give advice but this sounds controlling and awful. Friends don't hold each other to ransom like this and try to drive people's wives away.
It does sound like DH is making positive decisions though regarding your relationship - he isn't allowing them to be in charge of what he decides and he is prioritising saving your marriage over his friends desires.

Personally... I would block them all from my phone and social media. They aren't your friends and don't like you so don't give them any more chances to be mean to you.
Then tell DH it's his decision to make - I think he will get rid of them due to their behaviour, but it has to be his decision.
And you 2 need to continue presenting a united front

How old are you all?

If he doesn't get rid and doesn't tell them it was out of order then I would also question his commitment

These men I use that term loosely sound like they are 8!