i cant get over being alone growing up

[happyfrown]

it has damaged me so bad I cant ever see me being happy, my mum was cold and unloving, my dad was part time but hardly see him, wasn't close to my siblings and my nan hated me for some reason. as for the rest of them they have never been interest or made an effort.

ive always longed for that loving family feel (I need it) some one to talk to, to hug, to laugh with. I feel like there's a big hole in my heart.

I had my own children young but found it hard to bond, express love and feelings towards them. im too cold like my mother. its such a horrible guilty feeling, being through it how can I then treat mine with same parenting. It would've been better if I didn't have them.

its not just family, I cant make friends. there is nothing to me other than despair and depression. I have no interest no hobbies, a conversation don't go far with me unless im crying over how alone and hurt I feel. only so many times my 2 only friends can hear it!

I cant see my life picking up, I cant magic a new family - I know people say don't dwell on the past but its always there.
my 2 eldest will be going to live with their dad some point soon, which will leave me and my dd.

I fight with myself everyday thoughts of how alone I feel then contradict with how uncomfortable I am around people and hide away.
don't even know how writing this is going to help me, but I read if you write things down it helps?

I'm sorry. Have you thought about joining a club or taking up a hobby? Sports, craft, singing, dancing, sewing? Perhaps joining a Church?

Yep going over and over your past doesn't help at all. It's done. Nothing will change the past. You can change your future though so try and make small steps to do that. Things that will build your confidence back and gets you being more sociable or even read the book "power of now" it helps you focus on real time and take pleasure from simple things like going for a walk or hearing the wind rustle in the trees. Have you tried counselling or been to the GP? Sounds like you could be depressed. Big hug happyfrown, you can change things, really you can xxx

my head feels so far damaged I can't enjoy a hobby. I cant enjoy my kids or my pets. ive taken anti d's (they are just used to dull my pain) but its still raw.
I know im wallowing in self pitty, not everyone wants to stick around to hear, I don't blame them.

I hate how detached I feel from the world, I wish I was never born.
I feel without a family (the one I was suppose to be involved in) there's nothing. as I say I have my own kids but no one to say 'dear son passed his school today or dd rode her bike without stabilisers etc no one to celebrate life with. don't know if any of that makes sense? I can tell my friend about it but it don't feel the same. Im not sure why it has eaten away at me so much.

sorry jeaux90 coss posted.
ive been diagnosed with borderline personality disorder, depression, anxiety.
i do go for walks but let my mind run away with bad thoughts, ive tried music whilst walking i still hear my thoughts over the music.
i will have a look for that book you suggested.

also i don't think im dwelling on the past, i think im looking to the future knowing family wont be there. ever.

You sound depressed, you aren't enjoying your life or your children - and they are your family now. I think you should find help and support. You have had a diagnosis - can they now help you make the next step? Has no course or therapy or group been suggested to help you?

The only person who can help you change your outlook and perspective on life is you unfortunately [as I've had to learn the hard way too] but you need help to do so. Help, support and encouragement.

I had a very lonely childhood, no father, no siblings or cousins - didn't meet another child to play with until I was 5 years old. So I know the isolation and what it does. Still alone, children grown and gone, live alone. As I see it we are born alone and we die alone and we have to fulfil our own lives, without depending on others to do it for us.

But I have interests and things I love to do [on my own usually], a rich internal life, I love life and appreciate the small things every day. I think you need to find an interest, a talent, an outlet, and learn to see positivity. As I say, you need to seek help in order to move on into the future.

Many people do not have family, or a partner or children but fulfil themselves in other ways. Is there nothing you are interested in at all? I'm sure there is something......Books, films, walking, art, swimming, plants, animals, music....? The list is endless...........

Borderline personality disorder can be very difficult to cope with, particularly when you also have anxiety and depression, and they often occur together. Are you seeing a psychologist or anyone else who might be able to help you? There are also support groups IRL and online for BPD. Please seek out help. You are not alone. There are people out there who understand what you are going through and who can help you.

I can't see anything getting better before you come to terms with your upbringing. Counselling would probably be beneficial for you. What does your gp suggest? You've got several illnesses which can overlap. Are you on any medication?

also i don't think im dwelling on the past

Said gently, you are using your energy dwelling on the past, due to your upbringing, as you yourself said in your OP. Please seek some professional help to shed the burden of what you can't change so you can really begin to have control in your future.

It will take time but you can do it one step at a time.

thanks you for taking time to reply
I had weekly visits from a psychologist for a year,i think it was cbt but could of been counselling. it didn't help much, I just repeatedly got told im my own worse enemy - I know im on self destructive but telling me didn't help, its like me telling an alcoholic drink will kill them, they're not just going to put the bottle down. no being ungrateful it helped to express my feelings and I appreciated the ladies time.
I was on citalopram, tried fluoxetine, quetiapine and diazepam. I stopped taking citalopram when the new psychologist see me once told me I need parenting classes then cancelled my next appointment 30mins before my app.

I was told bpd needs to be managed with pills and therapy together, Ive had so many missed appointments on the psychs part.

I realise I need to get myself a hobby, I looked into a dance class (I used to be a dancer) but most - in the style I like - are in the evening and in London - with no childcare and not a driver it seemed impossible.
I like interior design, I done my own home up by myself. I did look into getting into it but it was college, course etc. again most adult college is in the evening and I couldn't even afford them.

confidence also stops me.
I cant go to social gatherings, kids parties etc. I get panicky, sweaty, I cry... pathetic! I worry how I would cope in a course?

I appreciate everyones message and will read over and over.

Well let's not give up just yet.

So you didn't feel the therapy was beneficial. I wonder if you could try with someone else? Sometimes you just don't click with the professional. Like when you were at school - you almost certainly had good teachers and others who you didnt follow.

Also, there are other types of therapy. Now i don't know much, but I have recently stopped biting my nails by using a hypnotherapy app. If you can't face going out, would using an app be an option? Online help? Books from the library?

So dancing in london is out. Are there any related braches of dance near you? Are your dc in school or day care? It might be better to see what is available when the dc are looked after. Yoga and pilates are great, but not for everyone. You could even find instructors on YouTube.

Courses. Are there any distance learning courses? Online courses? It's great that you have IDed what you're good at. What else do you like about yourself?

I know it's all a bit difficult, but pick one thing that you think you could fix, or could do some preparation for fixing. So your goal could be to research local dance or yoga groups.

Does any of that make sense?

I think you may also benefit from having your medication rechecked, starting with your GP. It seems that's still a bit up in the air.

If you could get your mood stabilised, then it will help with your general outlook.

Aspergers
not just the standard MN answer to every problem - some of us actually are autistic.

This will sound so trite but please believe me and please do it. Even if you think it ridiculous, you have nothing to lose and it takes 10 seconds.

Buy a notepad and a new pen. Even a biro. Put it next to your bed. Every night you have to write at least one positive thing from the day. It can be more than one but you have to have at least one. It only needs to be a few words, a line or even a paragraph if you feel like it.

You are going to write one positive thing about yourself everyday. It doesn't matter how small or silly you think it is. You are the only person who will read it. Your mind and your brain is full of negative thoughts about yourself and your life. Slowly slowly slowly you are going to start putting tiny little positive thoughts in their place. I promise you this really really work. You can reread it whenever you want. You can add to it whenever you want. But you must do one line everyday. If you can read it out loud to yourself even better.

I smiled at the cashier.
The trees looked beautiful today
I changed the bedsheets because I value myself and my sleeping space.
I looked into course/group/meet up
I spoke to a new person
I went to town for 2 hours and didn't leave because I felt rubbish.

Anything like that, it really can be anything.

I did this in the depths of my depression and anxiety and it saved my life. After a week or so it felt so much more natural and the thoughts stay with you. When a negative thought pops up your brain remembers the positive thought you wrote down the night before. Be kind to yourself.

You can't change the past. The future is yours. Is it the one you want? No, sorry it isn't. But you can still have another one.

also gratitudes each night can help make dents into negative thinking. three things that you are grateful for from that day, re: the beautiful trees on the walk to school, that so and so was kind, that i had the strength to deal with situation x etc.

on hard days it can be you have a roof over your head and food in the cupboards and your children are alive sort of thing.

try and build up to ten a day.

must start doing this again myself.

I agree with the gratitude/ positive lists they really do help you to focus on more positive things.

Can you complain about your psychologist repeatedly cancelling on you? and get another one. Keep on at them until you get the help you deserve

Have you read about childhood emotional neglect? I think it may be relevant to you. Jonice Webb and Jasmin Cori have both written about this, you can find their stuff online.

For a quick lift try Brad Yates YouTube videos not sure how it works but cheers me up.

Keep chipping away at the problem by reading around the subject and trying new things. This is what I did, it took a long time but I've finally got my head straight and feel happy. Don't give up!

regarding the therapist, I was constantly mentioning to the centre (I was also attending therapy with mind) that I didn't feel I was getting anything from my psych. when my father past away in may last year I didn't see her for 5wks (a time when I needed her most) we were on a weekly visit basis.
then 3 weeks after that 5wks break it finished, I expressed im not ready to be discharged from the service but was told I can only do a year.

it took a year of of asking (pleading! ) and 2 re-referrals from gp to see this new psych who see me once - then i waited at least 2mths for the next appointment only to be cancelled 30mins before I was due to be there. so she is the 2nd un-useful psych. ive heard nothing since july.

there is no dancing classes in reasonable distance to my area they are hours each way. ive had to let the idea go.
I don't think I would stick to online course my mind would wonder or I would get busy with housework or something getting out - although scary would be better I think.

thankyou for the links/ names of things to check out which I will.

I used to use gratitude / positivity a good few years ago, I read a book called ''the secret'' which opened my eyes completely. ive been meaning to dig it out.

im grateful I have the internet to talk to lovely people.
its a start xx