What is fair time to spend with kids and new girlfriend?

[tominich]

I broke up with my ex 3.5 years ago and started dating someone 2 years ago. My ex and I have no formal arrangement but have a 50/50 setup in theory. In practice the younger child (8) stays with his me 1 night out of 14 ( because he wants a break from his older brother) and the older (12) one stays with me 6 nights in 14. My girlfriend is happy with me seeing the kids 50% of the time, though as you can see although I see at least one of them 3 nights in 7, it's not both of them so is not 50% - more like 25%. I want to see them more than the current 25% of the time and my ex is happy for me to do this but my new girlfriend does not want to "give up" part of her Sundays for me to see them for a couple of hours each Sunday. Is this fair?

It's not fair on you or your children if she is stopping you from seeing them. Whilst I understand how she feels, her feelings don't trump the Children's or yours.

I understand where she is coming from, but you are a parent first and she needs to accept you as such or seek out a different relationship.

You have dependant children who want to spend more time with you.

That's wonderful and a girlfriend who doesn't think so doesn't have you and your children's best interests at heart. If my boyfriend acted like that I'd end the relationship.

Is it because it's every Sunday and therefore stops you from going away/out every weekend? Would every other weekend for more than a couple of hours work better? Your ex might like that better too. Or every other Sunday and one evening in the week? Have a proper talk with her about why it's a problem for her.

Kids first every time ...

A good girlfriend would realise you're a parent and be supportive of you seeing your kids more. She should find a man without kids if that's her attitude.

How do you think she'll behave with them as the relationship progresses? This kind of behaviour leads to jealousy and resentment of your children in many situations.

She gets on board or drop her. That would definetly be the advice if the genders were reversed.

You want to see your kids as much as you can, it's difficult when you're separated, and I understand you miss them.

She's being unreasonable. Could you point out to her that although it would be a regular thing, there may be times when other plans might be made, for example, occasions with their mum that would alter the routine, therefore it might not be EVERY single Sunday.

you're a parent first, lover second, it will get easier as the kids get older but she needs to understand if you get involved with someone who has kids, they will feature in a big part of your life, you sound like a great parent, don't let her spoil your relationship with your kids, they will be around a lot longer than she will be - if she can't accept your dcs.

Thank you for your advice all. Much appreciated

If your GF is opposed in principle to you spending more time with your kids, you have a problem. You need to speak with her, explain your priorities, listen to what she says, but consider that she might not be the right person for you.

However if it's a specific problem she has with a commitment every Sunday, then maybe it's more reasonable - are there things she likes the two of you to do together on a Sunday? It is not as simple as "kids come first". New relationships are important too, and she has a right to be listened to. But a GF that sees your kids as always a compromise and in conflict with her is going to be I'll suited to a long term relationship with someone who would like a 50-50 parenting of his kids.