Who initiates and does it matter?

[Rachcakes]

I'm not just talking about sex here, but that's included. In your relationship, who initiates intimacy, conversation, comes up with ideas of things to do, makes social plans for the two of you, and yes, who initiates sex.
I've realised its always me in our relationship and it pisses me off. DH is happy to Potter round doing his own thing. And I shouldn't complain because he does loads around the house in terms of cleaning and maintenance. He's not lazy.
I just feel like everything relationship-y has to come from me.
He's getting set in his ways too. Won't try anything new.
Hmmm...
We've had a tough few years but things are getting easier. Not sure how we can get out of this rut though.
I feel like we're poles apart at the moment and he either hasn't noticed or doesn't mind.

Rach - is the main reason your DS is only living with you part-time because of your DH and the fact they don't get on? What can his grandmother offer him that you can't?

Sorry I'd that sounds judgemental - I obviously don't know how serious your DS' behaviour issues were or how old he is.

Did you DH never want to have kids of "his own"?

Being a step dad to teenage boys is a hugely fraught task, I'm sure. It just doesn't sound like he's making much effort on any front really, either with you or the boys.

Could he be depressed. Have you ever asked him what he wants out of life?

You're right, at some point it will just be the two of you. Has he thought about this at all?

You could try a TV / gaming free week - or would that be a step too far for him?

Is his job particularly exhausting or something?

My mum can give him one to one support with his homework, which he needs. He has to have someone keeping him on task and lots and lots of checking up. She's retired and lives alone so can be there when he gets in from school.
There's also the effect on DS2, who was being badly affected. DS2 has come out of his shell this year and has started thriving. Previously he was very withdrawn and anxious.
My mum lives in an area where he can go to a better school which supports his SEN and behavioural issues. They've invested a lot in him, and if he keeps up the work and the monitoring he stands a chance at leaving school with some qualifications.
It was an absolutely heartbreaking decision to move him, but I believe it was for the best. Me and him have a better relationship now and he's doing better at school.
When I made that decision I left DH out of it, and made it with my mum and school, as I didn't want to be influenced by their difficult relationship.
Hope that clears it up.

I tend to initiate social things, trips etc. DP is very passive. This kind of works for me, as I like to be in the driving seat and if both of us were like that we'd probably lock horns. It used to piss me off , but I've kind of learned to accept it. DP is the DIY enthusiast and initiates home improvements, gardening that kind of thing which again works for me as I don't have much interest or knowledge in DIY. We'll discuss what he's doing before hand though, he won't just go ahead and do it.

So in conclusion no it doesn't matter that we both initiate different things. If we disagreed over them, it would be a different matter, but we generally discuss and agree before proceeding. As for sex I'd say it's about 50/50. With two small DC often it's about having the opportunity and not being totally knackered.

Sounds like you are similar in terms of who initiates what, but you are not happy with it. Is it something you can discuss? Communication is everything. If he never initiates sex I can see why you might feel rejected. What would happen if you didn't initiate for a while, would he be happy to go without?

That's interesting Maggie, yes your set up does sound very similar to ours. It wouldn't do me any harm to look at it from the perspective that we do different things, but it works out equally. I think that's fair.
Yes, sex makes me a bit sad. Once the honeymoon stage had passed it was always me and he'd often be too tired, busy whatever. It used to make me feel really rejected and became an issue but the meds I'm on now kill my libido, so for the time being it doesn't trouble me too much.
I'm hoping to come off them next year though, so I think we'll have to have a chat about that as and when I do.
If I am able to come off my meds it will be an indication that our life is pretty good, which usually makes for a better love life.

Is this the situation?

DH (number 2) is a good guy who does his fair share of chores

DS1 is challenging (SEN) while DS2 has also had some difficult times. DH has been tolerant but not pro-active

You want DH to initiate sex but at present you aren't bothered anyway

It doesn't seem a bad situation

Or AIBU?

It's not really about sex.

That description about sums it up, but it's about doing stuff with me and us more than sex, really.

He is a good guy. Definitely.

It just feels a bit sad doing stuff with my friends and my kids all the time. But he's always here to come home to.

Hi OP. Do you think it could help you both to go on a holiday together, just the two of you? Maybe go somewhere unusual or do an activity-based type thing that would take him out of his comfort zone a bit? Even hill walking in Scotland or something like that? Just a suggestion.

We're going to India at the end of October. The kids are with their dad for half term, so we're doing 10 days.
He spent a lot of time travelling in India when he was younger, while I was having babies. I always wanted to travel more.
So he knows the score and I'm a rookie.
It could well be the making of us, now you mention it 😊

Sounds brilliant - hopefully he'll reconnect with his younger self - and you! Good luck.