Separated man ends things what now

[Ansie1]

My bf of five months is going through a divorce. He just ended things saying I am lovely, he could fall in love with me so easily but can't let himself and needs time to heal from his marriage. He seemed totally into me and things had moved pretty fast so I'm a bit floored. He messaged next day to say that he had set up counselling and would sort everything out and then again to say he loved every minute with me and is sorry he's not himself right now, that he's sad and misses me. It's all very confusing. Any advice appreciated.

You can't help him get over his ex. That's utter madness. Unless you want to be used and abused as an emotional crutch. Or distraction/replacement OH. You can't do that and be in a relationship. That way madness lies.

Sounds like he wants to keep you around for a shag and distraction but doesn't want to have to commit to you in anyway. Then he can do what he wants with no comeback.

My advice would be not to become his emotional crutch. Accept that he needs time to recover, but don't accept taking on a role in that recovery. Being the rescuer isn't a solid foundation for a relationship - at some point he won't need you to rescue him anymore.

I think I'd say OK, go away & recover. If once he's recovered and is ready for a relationship he can take the risk that you are no longer free.

I didn't go into it to help him get over the ex, but when he was upset over things obviously I was there for him. I think telling him to come back when he's done with counselling etc is probably best, after all he did break up with me to sort himself out. I had a naive and romantic notion that he would see how much better I was than the ex and forget all about her.

If he's not over her, he can't be into you. Who wants that?

if he was only single for 2 months then he is nowhere near ready for a relationship. After only 5 months you have all this upset and drama. Surely it is not worth all this hassle so early on in your relationship.

OP, I wasn't suggesting that you were ridiculing him - it was another poster.

I completely agree with willconcern. Let him go; he may come back once he's healed but don't put your life on hold for him.

Give him lots of space, try and feel single again, enjoy your freedom and if it's ment to be its ment to be, but protect yourself don't let him be your full focus just now as you aren't his, you need to be your full focus, do nice things for your self treat yourself to something you enjoy and don't let him muck you about by being hot and cold with you.

If he was only single for 2 months then he is nowhere near ready for a relationship.

^^^^ This.

He wasn't ready for anything serious and you really shouldn't have expected him to be all in.

All too often seperated men go back and forth, so it's best not to fall so deep for them.

I'm afraid you are 'Rebound Girl'. He's not ready for a full on relationship, so he's keeping you on ice for when he wants a shag/ emotional crutch. He's also basically told you to lower your standards and expectations so he can get away with keeping you on a leash (figuratively speaking). Cut him loose and go meet someone who won't play games.

He so wasn't ready after 2 months & he probably won't be ready after 2 years. Give him a wide berth

He dumped you. He was expecting you to beg and plead. You didn't, so he drew you back in again. Expect a lifetime of that if you continue to see him.

Lots of men jump right in to a relationship right after ending a marriage/serious relationship. It's emotionally immature and shows amazing lack of insight and selfishness but it's not uncommon. You made an error by dating someone 2 months out of a marriage, that might as well be 2 minutes.
He needs to go away and get over his marriage before dating anyone, the selfish twat.

What Lelly and Stoic said. He wants you to do the "pick me dance". The emotional turmoil suggests to me that he hasn't emotionally moved on from his ex- regardless of whatever verbage he showers on you about it being otherwise.
The reason he gave you for breaking up may be superficial to some other hidden reason...to come to light much later-then you'll get "well, I tried to break up etc etc etc".

Now it sounds like a poor little boy (insert head tilted pouty face) needs your attention scenario. Nope.

Kinda like this, AndThe Band?

I had a naive and romantic notion that he would see how much better I was than the ex and forget all about her.

Ansie, good that you are being self-aware about the situation.

I'd chuck him back in the sea, he shouldn't be on a dating site when he is emotionally on a roller coaster.

I think some posters are projecting a bit harshly. Yup he's screwed up but, come on, is there a manual out there to give us a step by step on how to deal with a relationship breakup? No, so by all means walk away, but at least recognise the difference between someone being confused and all over the place versus a harden calculated player. I'd prefer to give him the benefit of the doubt.

Thanks for the support people. He's not a bad guy and we really had a great time together so he's hard to let go of, his stbx has put him through a lot so not surprising he is messed up. I have decided to ask him to call me when the divorce is done. I would have stuck by him but he ended it for some healing time so I think it's right he take it.

I think he is setting the scene for you to never expect a commitment from him. This is how it will always be, so he's setting the bar low and seeing if you will put up with that...

I wouldnt put up with it if it were me.

Im not second best and im not the booby prize.

If he was serious about sorting his shit out before seeing you again why did he contact you again.

Because like a PP said you didnt beg and plead.

Dont play second fiddle.