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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

To stay together for the children ..?

9 replies

Everlongsleepy · 15/09/2016 10:39

Have been awake since 4 mulling this question over.
I've just had our fifth child. My OH is a great dad, the children adore him. But I'm pretty sure he doesn't love me, there's no affection, in fact there's visible cringing / reluctance on his part when I touch him in any way :(
His own parents had a horrible break up which blighted his childhood. A few years ago on a rare occasion that he opened up about it he said
'it's like my parents didn't love us (children) enough to put up with being with some1 they didn't really want to be with'
I feel like this is what he's now doing with me 'putting up' for the sake of being able to see the children every day.
I love the kids, but feel like my soul /self respect is being chipped away :(
I know relationships have good and bad times, so, do I just hang on in there or blow everyone's lives out of the water by walking away ?!
Would really appreciate advice / opinions , thank you

OP posts:

TheNaze73 · 15/09/2016 11:10

It's never a good idea to stay together for the sake of the children. They will intuitively see that alls not good in the hood & grow up with a very distorted view on relationships.
Don't do anything rash though, I know it's a big ask but, could you get a sitter for a few hours, so the two of you can reconnect as man & wife, not as parents. It may unlock the future for the 7 of you. Good luck

AttilaTheMeerkat · 15/09/2016 11:45

He is not a great dad to his children if he treats you so poorly; whatever gave you that idea?

Staying for the children is never a good idea because it also teaches them that a loveless marriage for them is their "norm" too. They won't say to you, "thanks mum" for staying; they will wonder of you why you put this man before them. Do not do this to them.

What do you want to teach your children about relationships, surely not this role model of one. The "good times" that you have are probably solely on his terms and are now very few and far between.

AmberGreyson · 15/09/2016 12:17

u don't have to suffer for your kids, it's ridiculous

Flappyhat · 15/09/2016 12:24

I had parents who stayed together for "the dc" - I feel guilt and sadness and almost hatred that they did that. It was clear they weren't a loving couple, they managed to fake it sometiimes but it was always there - underneath. Staying together damaged both of them (one parent died miserable) and damaged me and my siblings. To me it is never worth it. Put your children first. And for me that means not putting them through a facade.

Mybeardeddragonjustdied2016 · 15/09/2016 12:30

Recent reports show children suffer more long term damage by having parents that stayed together for 'show'. Apparently they feel their childhood was actually all a lie. I have adult kids who say they haven't been bothered not having a 2 parent family. They wouldn't have wanted me to be unhappy. We have a fantastic relationship now. They saw their dad in fits and starts (when he bothered.) but don't as an adult and don't show bad effects. They saw him for what he was in there own time.

CheeseCakeSunflowers · 15/09/2016 12:33

Would you consider couples counselling?

Hoppinggreen · 15/09/2016 12:33

God no, my parents did this and it was terrible.
I also have to deal with my mum reminding me that she ruined her life by staying with my arsehole of a father " for me"

Lottapianos · 15/09/2016 12:38

'I love the kids, but feel like my soul /self respect is being chipped away'

OP, it sounds like staying in this relationship will do you real emotional harm. You sound miserable, and that is no way to live. Do not kid yourself for a second that your children won't be aware of the state of things between you and DP. My parents stayed together 'for the children' and as Flappyhat said, it was always there, we always knew. Growing up being expected to play happy families while you know that the reality is different means that you never learn to trust your own feelings, and become very good at putting other people's feelings first, but neglecting your own. It seriously messes you up.

So get out would be my advice. I know that's far from easy, but it sounds like it will be the best thing for all of you

TFPsa · 15/09/2016 12:50

You've "just had" your fifth child?

So were you getting on with DH this time 9 months ago or was that an aberration? I'm guessing that he was OK with the idea that you might "touch him in any way" then?

Kids are of course not any kind reason to stay in a really poisonous marriage but they're certainly a reason to tread carefully and not act on something that might prove to be a fleeting impulse.

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