Advice on SAHD and work split

[Doingthingsdifferently]

I guess relationships is the right place, don't know.

We have two DCs, I work full time, we decided after DC2 that I would continue WOH and he would stay at home, quit the job he hated and do something he loves as a hobby but making enough to earn his tax free allowance per year.

We both knew that this would mean him working most weekends and some evenings with me working conventional (long) hours as main earner. But I just can't cope, every weekend he works (job requires weekend work) and I clean and look after the DCs so the house is normal (not overly clean but reasonable), by today when I get back after being out of the house for 14 hours the house is disgusting, washing, dishes, nappies everywhere, yet he has been out fun shopping, been to Costa, done some things for him/ his business (all with toddler who loves being with him-great dad) and done school pick up. So no he hasn't done nothing but I know, roles reversed, it wouldn't be like this and I feel that all the men I worked with today probably didn't come home exhausted to this crap. Is this normal? Is it me, I am just starting to feel used and exhausted, he complains he is exhausted too but, to me, he seems to have a load more downtime and Funtime. Happy to be told to get over myself and I know compared to this board these are small problems but would appreciate views. Thanks

Most people getting to give upna job they hated to get to devote themselves to earning fuck all pursuing their hobby would be incredibly grateful.

Agree!!

He doesn't earn 'fuck all' though does he? He earns, I'm guessing around £10k a year on top of looking after a school age child and a one year old. He is looking after the dc all week then working all weekend.

However, leaving nappies lying about? Dishes unwashed? That's just a bit shabby. I'm a SAHM with a 2.8 year old and a 14 month old and I do everything around the house. All meal planning, shopping, cooking, cleaning, washing, ironing, finances etc and tbh I find it hard. If I had to work evenings and weekends too it would be very unfair. He should keep on top of it during the week though. Split chores. Get a cleaner if you can!

The other thread involved a 6 week old baby and a husband who told the mother she wasn't coping and should get a nanny...because things weren't up to his standard. Not quite the same scenario.

I was a sahm while also setting up a business and I can say it is honestly very hard to work and clean and look after kids. Something has to give either you help in the evenings and weekends or hire a cleaner. I think you are being a bit harsh on him £10k isn't a hobby it's a job and when your kids are all in school I'm sure he will be earning a lot more than that. I very nearly had a mental break down because my husband couldn't see how hard I was working he could just see mess and thought I was just sat around doing nothing all day.

My partners a sahd and can be a bit like this about cleaning. He does do some all washing up and cooking but it turns about he is blind to hoovering. I can feel I have no time out to myself at the weekend with dc and cleaning. It's a balance and we do have to muddle through gender stereotypes and pre learned behaviours. I did wonder whether Mn hq should have a mum to sahd section ongoing thread if I started it to talk about pleasures and pains 😄

But no one is asking him to do everything.
What the op is asking is that she isn't the one to have to work AND look after the dcs AND do all the HW etc... That he can't be bothered to do when he us looking after the dcs.
Why is it that it's ok for him to say that he us looking after 2 young dcs and it's hard work but somehow it is ok fur the op to do so at the weekend end? Are weekends any easier???

So YY st looking at the cost if a cleaner. YY at looking at seeing how to share the workload.
But NN at saying it's ok forvhim to little during the week abs leaving it all fur the op to do in the evening and at the weekend

I'm a SAHM (3 kids, 1 a toddler, 2 at school). Honestly, sometimes DH gets home after working long hours to the kind of state you describe. Life is full on. I cook, and I do the laundry (but rarely have time to iron / fold during daytime hours, and DH often ends up doing this in the evening). I clean up after ourselves (constantly) but there is not much time for extra cleaning. The kids can make a horrendous mess, and sometimes I manage to clean it up during the day but not always. I do, however, deal exclusively with the school run, activities, homework, playdates, music practice and the "emotional" side of it all (there seems to be a lot, just now!). I also do almost all of our family admin stuff. I feel like I'm run ragged all day, and yet I can see how it could appear to DH coming home that I've not done much (he knows that I do, though).

Soggy, you are doing way more than this guy.

(The standards dor SAHMs are far higher than for SAHDs.)

It is exhausting to have children all day and also get a business off the ground.

But because you will be out so much during evenings and weekends, your spouse is not getting the benefit of a SAHP.

They will have serious domestic work to do when they are jot at work.

Given that, and them working to pay for you to follow your hobby as a living dream, the very 6 fucking least you could do is not take the piss.

So most SAHPs can head out to coffee shops and play dates and leave the housework until later.

People doing their domestic shift while their partner works, and who will be out that night?

No, sorry.

You don't get to just fuck off out all say and leave a shit tip for the person who is paying your bills to deal with when they get home from earning the money that keeps you warm and dry.

Less than £10K pa is fuck all. That's why they don't tax it.

He is not supporting himself financially.

And he is not supporting himself domestically either if he is leaving dirty nappies and dishes out.

That is a filthy, disgusting house. Not just a messy one.

so when he's not looking after the dc and home related tasks he's working on his business? when does HE get 'downtime'?

I'd like to see how you would react if YOU were the sahp and were told that the house should be up to 'standard' every single day!!!!

if you can't handle looking after your dc on your own and doing housework - like HE usually does - then the problem is YOU. You are not absolved of childcare and chores just cos you work and he doesn't.

so when he's not looking after the dc and home related tasks he's working on his business?

Yeah.

And when the OP isn't looking after the dc and home related tasks, she's AT WORK.

In the job that is paying the bills and allowing him the chance to try to make money out of his hobby.

She is investing both her time and her money in his start up and he is giving her the finger by not pulling 5/7ths of the domestic weight.

He is so fucking priveleged to be able to spend family resources (time and money) on doing what he loves.

But there is WAY less downtime to go around as a result.

Not cool for him to take more than his fair share and leave his main investor, without whom he'd still be working in a job he hated, with none.