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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

I'm desperate

16 replies

R3ALLY · 13/09/2016 05:33

It's 5:27am. H is downstairs, drunk, watching porn. My kids are asleep. I have to be in work at 8:30 having somehow got them up and dressed without them noticing the state he's in. This is 2 weeks after he promised it would never happen again. He said if it happened again he'd agree to a separation but that was when he was sober. He's an angry drunk. How the hell do I get out of this mess? How? I've an appointment with a solicitor middle next week but I know he won't go quietly. His elderly parents don't know. I have no family of my own. Great friends but no family. If I leave, am I handing the house to him? I don't want my kids to lose their home. I'm desperate. Thanks for reading.

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pollyglot · 13/09/2016 05:44

I'm just letting you know that I hear what you are saying and my thoughts and compassion are flying across the world to you. I'll get back to you when I can get my ducks in a row with maybe something constructive. Please be strong and know that there are so many people prepared to listen and to help. xxxx Aunty Polly.

pollyglot · 13/09/2016 06:46

How long has this awful situation existed? Do you have documentation of his behaviour? Times/dates/incidents? Witnesses? Has he shown signs of violence towards you or the children? Or towards himself, for that matter? I'm afraid that I'm not familiar with UK matrimonial law, but it seems to me that no court would ever allow him to have the house and custody of the children while he displays such an unreasonable attitude. Is he not going to work, too? I think that you really need to see a solicitor immediately and discuss your rights. If you are in fear of him as an angry drunk, can you not talk with the police about removing him? It seems to me that you need to organise your battalion of support - you seem very alone - and go about this in a systematic way. He made promises and it's now the time of reckoning. Please take care of yourself and avoid any situation where you and the children may be put in harm's way. Thinking of you xxx

Bagina · 13/09/2016 06:51

My advice is to bring it out into the open. Tell your good friends, tell his parents. You will need support. Don't keep his dirty secret any longer. See a solicitor. Good luck.

Original poster

R3ALLY · 13/09/2016 06:59

Thanks everyone. I'm not in the UK as it happens. I have started to tell friends. He will lose his job today... He's on his last warning there too. I've spoken to womens aid and they agree it's clear cut emotional abuse. He hasn't hit me but has waved a knife, kicked walls etc. I'm meeting a solicitor next week who is a specialist in family law, I'm just not sure what to do if he doesn't go. Thank GOODNESS I have a job... I'd manage financially without him, it would be tough but I'd manage. Unless I'm forced to support him which is another fear... If he ends up unemployed. I can see a life without him for sure... I'm just not sure how to get there, what the steps are.

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RedMapleLeaf · 13/09/2016 08:31

I'm just not sure what to do if he doesn't go.

I would say, cross that bridge if you come to it. Definitely discuss the possibility with your solicitor.

TitsTingle · 14/09/2016 09:03

How are you today ?

Prawnofthepatriarchy · 14/09/2016 10:02

Are you OK? It sounds horrible. I'd suggest you make sure you understand local divorce law. You can't assume it's the same as it is here so question your solicitor. If I were you I might look up local law online.

Original poster

R3ALLY · 14/09/2016 11:04

Thanks everyone. Things are ok, he's in the regret / sobering up phase this morning and making all sorts of promises, so the cycle continues. I just really need to let that out the other morning! Appointment with solicitor is Weds so I'm going to check out my options for separation then. I'm terrified as it's such a big step... I married for life, this was not the grand plan! But I have to keep reminding myself that being married to an alcoholic was not in the plan either. So thanks for the support. Just to clarify - I'm not a UK national, I'm Irish, living in Ireland. But I don't think the system here is hugely dissimilar to the UK. X

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RiceCrispieTreats · 14/09/2016 12:24

You are doing great: you have booked the appointment with a solicitor. You know that he has crossed your red line and that you are now prepared to leave. You have a job and can take care of yourself financially.

I know this is frightening (been there), but honestly, give yourself praise for the fact that you are handling this, and very well.

No, he won't make it easy. If he were able to, he wouldn't be an abusive man. But his mind games won't work on a judge: the law is there to look at the facts and be impartial, and that is exactly what is going to happen now.

Good luck, well done, and let us know how you got on with the solicitor today.

RiceCrispieTreats · 14/09/2016 12:30

Oh I see your appointment is next week. Don't hesitate to see more than one solicitor, by the way, or to get a recommendation for a solicitor from people who are clued up about abuse (eg. Women's Aid).

My solicitor was a rock and lifesaver, and she was recommended by someone who knew I was in an abusive marriage and who knew that she would be the right person to a) understand where I was at and b) fight my corner.

Once everything was in her hands, I could relax and begin to emotionally detach: dealing with him and his bullshit was someone else's problem now, the practicalities would be sorted out by the impartial hand of the law, and I could focus on re-building myself.

I can only wish for you that you have the same experience. A good solicitor is truly worth their weight in gold.

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 14/09/2016 12:52

The solicitor will help you identify all the steps to go through.

Ring Women's Aid if you need someone to talk to first.

The only immediate thing I can suggest is to phone the police if he is at all threatening or breaks anything. That will help you get him out of the house faster and more finally.

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 14/09/2016 12:53

You could start making a new grand plan of life. What will your life be like in two years time?

greeneyedgirl34 · 14/09/2016 13:12

Hi Really
Just thought I'd give a quick post. I was in a similar position 3 years ago. But not married. My life is amazing since I threw him out. He was a violent alcoholic, that lost many jobs and wrecked mine and my kids lives daily. I to am Irish, living in Ireland.
The important thing is that you and your kids are happy and can live in peace in your own house. Tell people, be open. A lot of people will know including his parents, just won't have said it.
I used to dread him coming home, having to tip toe around him. The peace of mind I have now is priceless. I'd rather live in a shed than live with that ever again.
Get a good solicitor and plenty of friends and your own families support.
Wish you all the best

Original poster

R3ALLY · 14/09/2016 20:44

Thanks again everyone. In a way today has been even harder - he's in the depths of regret, promising never again etc. I feel pity for him - not love but pity. This is the man I loved enough to marry and have children with, begging me for forgiveness. He says he will go to AA tomorrow. Hmm. I'm still going to my solicitor next week. I have to put a plan in place. I have spoken to WA several times, they are angels and if I ever win the lotto they are getting half. The solicitor is a friend of a friend, my age, 2 young kids and a family law specialist . So I'm hopeful she will be good. One day at a time I guess. I can see myself on the on the other side, it's the journey that seems so very hard xx

OP posts:

Original poster

R3ALLY · 14/09/2016 20:44

OP posts:

RiceCrispieTreats · 15/09/2016 22:34

Yes, it's a tough journey. You know that you will get through it, though.

He is the man that you loved and married and had children with, and I know it's tough to detach, and to see yourself emotionally detaching. The moments of love that you shared and hold dear were real, though. That remains true, even if you now know that this relationship is not one you can stay in anymore.

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