I have very few relatives, and feel quite vulnerable

[Sunnyfeet]

I'm 48, married, no children (having a baby never felt quite the right thing to do). My wonderful mum died when I was 25, my father died 2 years later. My step dad, whose been in my life since I was 10, is still very much part of my life, although he's understandably busy with his new wife, but I get on very well with her. My younger brother lives miles away, there's no bad blood, but we're not close.

So I don't feel like I have a family network as such, and it makes me feel quite vulnerable at times. DH's relatives are on the other side of the country, and his two children (from his first marriage) are grown up and busy with their own lives. We don't see them very often.

I have some nice friends, but none of them know each other, so it's not like a network of friends. I'd never really analysed my situation, until DH had a health scare earlier this year. It turned out to be something very minor and is now fully fixed, but for the week when we were waiting for the results, I realised that without him, I'm pretty much alone, and it terrified me.

I've never really got over mum's passing, it left a huge hole in my life, and I do wish I'd got some sisters, but I can't do much about that. I know I can't create relatives out of thin air, but how can build the lovely safety net that having relatives brings, and that most people still have in place at my age?

At least most of you have good friends, I don't even have that.
I thought I would try going to a local church once but the service was so boring that I didn't even make it to the end!
I think having very good friends is probably even better than having family because you probably will have more in common.

Just throwing out a few ideas:

Hosting overseas students at Xmas?
Fostering an older child or young person?
Becoming a temporary guardian to an overseas child at a UK boarding school?
A language exchange?
MeetUp?

I agree, OP. What I feel most is the lack of love.

People say my children love me, but that's different. They are attached to me, they need me, they are dependent on me. They are not there for me, they don't care about me in the way that another adult might. They need me. It's different. It's not about 'me' or whether I'm lovable.

I sometimes sit in the house alone and realise that there are 7 billion people on this planet and not one of them loves me.

I like the idea about hosting overseas students at Christmas.

I know this sounds sad, but I'm almost looking forward to the day when we can buy a Macarthy Stone/retirement living/sheltered housing appt, so that we'll have people around us, and then God forbid anything happens to DH (it's inevitable that one of will die before the other) I wouldn't be so alone.

It makes me sad that in 30 years I've only got 1 good friend.
Literally 1 friend in this world

OP I think you're doing really well on the friendship front if you have 5 good friends. I'm sure some of them, or even more casual acquaintances, would invite you to join them at Christmas if they knew you would be on your own.

I understand and I feel for you all.
I'm married, with a DD, but the only other family I have is my mum. Never knew my Dad.
DH's family are the other end of the country and we're becoming even more distant from them - we go there about once a year, they never come to see us.
I have a couple of close friends, DH has only 1 & he's a few hundred miles away too.
Like you mentioned Sunnyfeet, it doesn't seem to bother my DH, but it upsets me. Mainly I feel guilty about my lovely DD - she should have more people around who adore her. I don't worry too much about me being on my own, but I do worry about DD being alone.
Life is never fair, but it seems desperately unfair that some people are surrounded by close, supportive families - and the others, like us, have so little?

Sunnyfeet sorry, I disappeared. I don't think it would be fraudulent. I have a strong faith but those that want to talk about the sermon after church are in the minority, and I follow people's lead - so mostly we talk about children, work, etc - even when I have church family round the dinner table much of the conversation is about people's lives, or difficulties - yes, and the difference faith makes - but if people make you uncomfortable, it's the wrong church - like the boring one Greyinglady went to.
Without it I'd be lonely I think. I can see how easy it is to become isolated.

I am regularly invited to Sunday services and occasionally will go (more likely to go to the lighter sermons on occasions like Easter)
We get invited to Sunday lunch more than we get invited to services.
It's a pretty big church that has lots going on socially and members of all ages.
Sometimes we go and watch the church sports teams and bring fruit and drinks just to support them really.
They have so much going on and rely heavily on volunteers from the congregation so it's easy for us to find ways to help, even though we aren't Christian we are treated like family.

Can I join in? I'm older at 57 and both my parents have gone, together with a close auntie. I'm an only child and my father's family were always a bit odd distant. It's just me and an older cousin now.

I'm in an unhappy relationship with one child. It's lonely sometimes. I also feel for dd, who has no-one to care about her apart from me and dp. .

I have some nice friends, but that's it.

My family used to be large and spread over the village. Where I live now, although "naice", I don't feel i belong.

I try to turn the situation into a positive. I have no responsibilities to family, I don't have to think about juggling elderly parents with children, or offending family members.

I get what a pp means about children needing you but not reciprocating. Sometimes I feel my perfectly ok despite being a teenager daughter is bleeding me dry emotionally. Obviously I love her to bits, but she doesn't give much back.

Having an indifferent dp makes matters worse:all I have to look forward to is poverty and loneliness...ok I'm overdoing it now but, yes, op I get where you're coming from.

Just to add, all those ideas I threw out up-thread are 'real' things that people do - I have seen adverts and schemes for all of them, plus info on Mumsnet at times.

whattodowiththepoo I'd love to join a church group like yours! How did you find it (Google?) and is it based around a parish church? I ask because (and I'm trying not to offend anyone here) I would be looking for a fairly 'mainstream' church.

I have to say that I've never found churches great for making friends. They tend to either be full of very old people or be very family oriented. I used to go to one in my early 30s, but all the single people were in their 20s and all the people my age were married with children, just like in society as a whole I suppose.

I suppose I have family ties to the church so found it that way but It's also the just a huge C of E church, I did just google find a church and apparently it's 10 parishes away from my postcode (didn't know a parish was even a thing here and it's less than 30 minute drive)

To be honest as much as it's a church it's also a community centre.

Sunnyfeet I have sent you a private message.

Gwen I definitely agree it is family orientated, even if you don't have much family.

I also have no family - or, I do have a physical family, but NC (thankfully).

Stand Alone is a good org for those of us with no or little family.

Like so many on this thread I am a churchgoer. If I'm absolutely honest I don't at all gel with the church community (difficult bugger, me) but it's God who keeps me afloat.

For the past 4 or 5 years I have volunteered at a homeless shelter over the christmas period. I absolutely love doing it and really look forward to it. Apart from anything, it's a solace to spend time with people who know precisely what no/crap family is all about. I don't feel such a freak!

There are a lot of us alones about. Just nobody likes to admit it.

Oh, and be prepared that churches take August off 'to spend time with family'

Just when alones need them the most!

Just to pick up on the comments about hosting international students, I work with international university students and would recommend this organisation www.hostuk.org There are lots of companies which organise host families for commercial reasons, whereas this is a charity and therefore organises them for the right reasons. It's a great thing to do and even more important in these post-brexit vote days where the UK seems a less welcoming society to international students.

I struggle in August too springy - doing extra on every rota so that people can 'have their rest time' - it's long felt like this is when people who really need church need it most. You're a MNer I'd like to meet, from encountering you on threads over the years (I'm a bit of a serial namechanger), seems sad that people don't warm to you or you to them - maybe that's all stalkery so pretend I've not said it.

absolutelynot I agree,when people talk about elderly or challenging parents I do make an effort to think, this is a burden I don't have to carry. And although it's a little bittersweet to feel most at home around a table with friends, I remind myself that in these perfect looking families, it is not often like this in reality, on the inside. There is a lot of well hidden resentment and dysfunction.
My best Christmases have been with colleagues either professional or voluntary tbh - the atmosphere is great - and in homeless projects most of the volunteers, never mind almost all the clients, know what it is to be alone or have dysfunction in your background. We all give up our "family time" to volunteer for a reason, after all!

OP would you consider some bereavement counselling? The loss resonates massively through your posts - my positive is that I never had an easy relationship with either of my parents so tho I miss mum, I mostly feel much better adjusted these days. The loss of what you wish you had is as much to be grieved as your mum and what she meant to you. Only a thought, ignore it if I've got it all wrong.

Is the hosting voluntary, Pumpkin. ie not paid!

Thank you box

Would you consider joining the University of the Third Age (U3A) - where I live there is a wide range of activities - walking groups, languages, book and knitting groups, table tennis, singing, folk dancing, trips etc. All ages (though tend to be late forties plus, with many retired people), wide variety of backgrounds.

Google it and see if there's anything you'd enjoy. A friend of mine has made good friends through U3A and has joined several activities.

I was going to suggest U3A or there are always things like WI/Round Table/Lions Club, all charity driven. If you were a bit younger than some of them would that bother you?

I am an only child, mum died a decade ago and dad died when I was 19. I have a lovely dh and 2 dc and it's just us. No close friends. I often wonder what would happen if dh died and it frightens me.

I loathe Christmas now with a passion as it used to be my mum's 'thing': she would decorate everywhere, cook, host, she loved it. Now I cannot bear it as it reminds me of her. I celebrate, of course, for the children, and we do the usual stuff but if it was just me and dh we would ignore it and watch a box set for three days!

In a relatively similar situation- no children, no siblings, mum deceased, dad absent since I was little, cousins/DH's family scattered.

It used to worry me, especially after my mum died. I was the first of my circle to lose a parent other than to divorce.

But now I see other people lose their parents, or see their parents have significant health scares. And I realise I was just ahead of the curve.

I don't worry about it now. There are plenty of men/women in their sixties and seventies, divorced or bereaved, either no kids or kids moved away, who will be looking for friends come a certain day.

Thank you for all the latest suggestions - the U3A seem quite active in my area. I don't mind mixing with slightly older people - I often find them kinder to be honest. One thing I have noticed is (with the exception of church services) most groups have their activities Monday-Friday, I'm not surprised people find it hard to fill their weekends sometimes.

I've also taken on board a suggestion from an earlier poster, to 'reach out give a little more' (on the grounds that you get back what you put in) so I'm making a conscious effort to slow down a bit a chat to people around me.