I am 34 years old and have been with my boyfriend, who is 40, for 6 years. I love him. He is unquestionably lovely - super clever, kind, attractive, interesting.. All the good stuff. Despite this, I feel frustrated and unsatisfied, but I don't know if this is simply life/the (almost) 7 year itch or if it is serious and I need to change things.
DP has a chronic health condition which, while it is controlled to a certain extent by medication, still comes on in bouts, and basically makes him physically and mentally exhausted. It is made worse by stress and overexertion.
Sometimes he is able to live a relatively normal life, but he goes through phases of a month or more where he is just exhausted all the time, and unable to socialise or walk long distances or really do anything much other than read Twitter on his phone or play computer games. Before his illness he was something of a high flyer - think 1st class degree from top uni and then very well paid job in the city. Ever since I have known him he had been either off work on long term sick, or working reduced hours, then 2 years ago he agreed to a (very good) payout from his employers and no longer works. He used to love his job, was great at it and very well respected (despite only working part time) which tbh I found very attractive. He currently spends his time organising repairs to the house he bought with the payout and caring for his dad who has a terminal illness (he visits his parents for 1 week per month to give his mum a break. Spending time with his dad often causes him to be ill in the week after as the stress catches up with him).
I have a high stress job which is quite all consuming (I care deeply about it , work long hours, weird shifts, lots of after work socializing) and the difference between our lives makes me sad for him and also sometimes resentful which I know is totally unreasonable.
We both want children in theory. I have never really felt "broody" and the thought of having to look after a child terrifies me, but I'm aware that it can't be put off forever. We obviously don't know how the stress and exhaustion of having children would affect his health. We've done the maths and could afford to have one child on my salary and his investments but I'm concerned that if he gets badly ill I could end up doing everything, plus I have always wanted to take time off/ go part time as a mother and the idea of having to work full time is depressing (I know there is no good reason why the mum should have this privilege rather than the dad but that's what I want).
We have talked about marriage. Previously it has always been me pushing for it and him saying the he doesn't want to tie me to him given his health problems, but lately I've been wondering whether, if he asked me, I would say "yes".
I try to talk to him about looking for another career (he could never go back to his old job as it is it is just too relentless and high stress) but he sees it as me pressuring him and gets really unhappy and stressed. He has loads of transferable skills but he has lost a lot of confidence.
Our sex life is great when it happens but that is very very rarely, mainly due to his illness but also to my exhaustion from work.
Lately I've started to get even more consumed with work, and to go out drinking with colleagues more. I don't know if this is a symptom or an additional cause of how I have been feeling at home.
I don't know what to do! Re reading my post I sound like a heartless bitch. I love him and the thought of basically abandoning him is horrendous, but the reality of what the rest of my life might be like is starting to terrify me.
Please talk to me and tell me what to do (hopeful..)!