Advice please regarding unexpected break down of relationship

[stealmyhappiness]

Hi i am posting on behalf of a friend. her husband unexpectedly left her after 16 years of what everybody (including her) thought was a perfect relationship ( i would go as far as to say i always wanted what she had in a relationship), i am trying to help and offer the best advice but some things i know nothing about.

they have a 3 month old (very much wanted) baby together and my friend is really struggling as i know she still loves her ex and cannot understand what has happened. there is no way she would take him back even if he wanted to come back as she has learnt so much about him in the last 2 months. (pretty confident he has met someone else but i dont want to distract from the point)

she still has to see him when he comes to visit the baby (breastfeeding) and his family are still in touch constantly trying to arrange visits. This is making her unable to try to move on. she wants him to be miserable and is spending time going over things which is not helpful and has lost confidence. he doesnt care one bit about her feelings which is not like the person she once knew.

does anybody have any advice or has anyone been there? her main concern is about having to hand the baby over for days at a time when she didnt want any of this.

Thank you in advance

Hi,

What an arse he is! Has your friend been to see a solicitor, so where she stands legally and regarding custody?

I haven't got any advice but there are some people on who'll be able to give some real help and support. Good luck to your friend

Hi thanks roxy, yes she has! its more the emotional side she needs help with .

In similar position to your friend but fortunately DCs are a bit older. General advice is to detach as much as possible. Contact only about child nothing else. Can imagine how hard it must be if she is still breastfeeding though and so has to be part of his visits to baby. Only thing I can suggest is for her to speak to a counsellor/therapist. It can be good to let all you emotions out with someone who is neutral but that can also maybe suggest ways to cope with your feelings. I'm still early days after my breakup so can't offer loads of advice other than talking does help whether it's with family, friends or a professional. Try not to dwell on what has happened as well as the what ifs and maybes (easier said than done!). At the end of the day it is his lost regardless of whether there another person involved. He has chosen to abandon his family rather than see if it's something that can be worked on.

Thanks Catty, so sorry to hear you are going through similar! i can offer some help to my friend as i had a breakdown of a relationship 2 years ago but the circumstances are different as it was a bad relationship for 11 years and although it was still hard i knew it wasnt right. i dont want her to go through what i went through mentally. she is speaking with counselors.

i am out the other side now and know how draining over thinking and worrying can be! ultimately all that over thinking got me no where.

i know she will be happy eventually but she cant see it now. i think i need some positive stories for her

What a horrible situation, your poor friend. Has she had any help from her GP/HV with coping day to day?

Regarding his family, she is under no legal obligation to allow them contact with the baby at this very difficult time. I would suggest she ignores all contact from them right now. She could perhaps let it be known, probably to ex's mum, that she will be ready to consider contact in the future, but right now it's too raw and painful. Of course when ex starts having DC on his own (which won't happen for a while if she's BF) then he can do as he pleases and can take DC to visit his family.

I would suggest that she doesn't cut off ex's family completely out of the urge to hurt him (understandable though that is.) It may be that they will be supportive and can provide childcare and a loving relationship with the DC. So don't burn any bridges - but it's reasonable to ask for time and space after this grenade has been thrown into her life.