Need help, was I abused?

[Gracey1231]

I really do not understand and I'm in some form of a quandary.
Okay hello hope everyone had a good weekend and I apologise for the content of this incase it triggers anyone

I have kept this quiet for all of my life only me and my mum know.
From being young my mum used to hit me if I was naughty, I wasn't particularly naughty I never did anything that can be seen as really bad and even she does admit that, but when I did even the slightest thing she would slap me, around 6 years old the real physicals started, she would grab the insides of my arms and bruise them, she has bitten me a few times and would hit my legs and kick my shins from being around 10, she pulled my hair and when I was around 12 she pulled it so hard a section came out of my scalp.
I was really chunky as a kid and ended up a fat teenager, my mum would constantly say that I was fat, nothing nice about me, a compliment was that my outfit "didn't make me look as big"
When we went shopping for clothes she'd make really personal remarks about me and I'd get upset and defensive, because I was embarrassed, she'd grip her stomach and mimic me saying I looked "massive". My mum would say something looked nice in the shop, then when I got home she'd say it would look horrible/too tight. If we argued she would pretty much ignore me for days and make our home so uncomfortable and I remember begging so badly for her to talk to me which I have now brought into my adult life.

We went abroad every year and each year she'd stare at my stomach and not my face when talking to me, or buy me holiday clothes then say they looked awful, all she ever would say was my belly is sticking out or something. Tmi I know but I had a sweat problem and sometimes would be really sweaty and she'd make such a massive issue about it going "pooh!" About me if I was too sweaty. But I was always clean and couldn't help it. I had hiperhydrosis.
Age 16 at my prom my mum made a compliment to me and said I looked lovely before telling me to pull my dress down as it was too tight, study leave had me boredom eating.

I practiced safe sex age 16 and went on the contraceptive implant and instead of telling me that I was being responsible she called me a little slag, despite knowing nothing of my life.
The only compliment I have ever heard her say is that I am intelligent and have my head screwed on.

I went through a really bad breakup and because I was upset she told me she was "sick of this" and had "had this for 6 weeks" so I had to turn to my grandma who gave me advice. When anyone did anything bad to me as a kid or even a teenager, she would only act on it and be annoyed if she liked the person, her cousins kid broke my shoulder by diving on me and kneeing me and she wasn't the slightest bit bothered because she said he "was playing"
My mum acts that she is the kindest and most caring person ever, to anyone, yet I don't get the treatment. I'm a student and I asked to lend around £100 to tide me over and she constantly throws it back at me, despite telling every man and his dog she'd do anything for anyone. I don't understand.

Going through this breakup I kept in contact with my exes mum and I know now that subconsciously I was looking for a mothering figure, who made me feel as though I was worth something, and someone to be proud of. My mum guilt trips me and makes me feel like me having a life is selfish, because my dad has passed away, he was a wonderful man and I miss him dearly and she makes me feel guilty to him for going out.

I have moved out and currently staying with my grandma whilst I get my head straight. I just don't understand anything anymore. My mum said her mum used to hit her so hard with wet hands she left hand prints on her, she says that as though it's normal. But I don't think it is. Part of my future was always having children but now I'm scared if I do have kids I'll do that to them.
Have I been abused? I'm so confused. I'm sorry this post is so long, I don't really have anyone I can discuss it with because I love my mum and I don't want people to be nasty to her.

Your mum sounds like mine. If you ever need to talk, PM me. I've had experiences that could be ... informative.

My mum brags about herself as well to her cousins, who I cannot stand, saying she "bought me this bought me that" whenever I was younger so it's as though she bases her skills on what she bought me. She's one of them as well "I just plod on grace I don't bother anyone" she likes to do things so that everyone thinks she's so selfless, but everyone knows about it. I always think that selfless people don't go on about what they've done because it's out of kindness. She used to say things about how people she knew were abit poorer than us, then said "you were lucky weren't you" well aye course I was I loved being bit I loved the holidays abroad which you ruined mum, away

Sorry to hear about your abusive upbringing. Its unimaginable how a mother can treat a child like that..sadly it happens and its happened to you.

To accept that you have been abused is a part of your recovering from it. Any doubts you have need to be erased...if you ever think you were at fault! Never..u were a child! And it is wrong in every sane persons book to do that.

Before you jump into any relationships try to process these past years via counselling.. dont give up. Eventually u will become stronger and you will deteste your mothers behaviour.

Dont make excuses for her... focus on urself now. Getting yourself in a good place is your main goal..addressing what happened to you is a start. Dont let anyone treat you like your sub standard.

Talking from experience but not as severe
Take care hun xx

Hey Gracey

I identify with your post at all - not from my Mum, who is amazing, but my Dad - he was an emotionally abusive, controlling narcissist who made our lives miserable - we were constantly on eggshells around him and I totally recognised my Dad when you said your Mum was 'ripping you to shreds' and was then a completely different person around others!

Let me tell you something - it's not your fault. I can almost 100% promise you that irrespective of what your mother says or does. She is a very broken woman with a very destructive, angry, warped view of life and of parenthood. But let me repeat, it's not your fault. I'm not to blame for my Dads behaviour - even though he tried to.

I am NC with my Dad - it hurts, because like you, I find it hard to sometimes reconcile that I have a Dad who doesn't love me. But I do - and it's not our fault. Some people can't do the unconditional altruistic job of being a parent. I truly believe my Dad is so wrapped up in lies and a fantasy world that he no longer understands how to feel and who to feel it for. Last time I saw him, he looked so sad and beaten down (not helped by his wife). But it's not my fault.

I owed it to myself to make the best out of my life and doing so meant leaving out the poison my Dad brought into my life. I gave him a final chance to speak to me, adult to adult, but he refused. I've left the door open to the extent where I've said if he ever wants to talk adult to adult, I will. But my Dad is a coward - much like your Mum - and removing ourselves from their drama means they no longer have to face up to their shortcomings, therefore I've heard nothing for 3+ years.

As for being a parent - do NOT convince yourself that your mothers issues are in anyway indicative of your potential as a parent. They are not. You are your mothers child, but you are not your Mum. The very fact you identify that your mothers behaviour in your childhood and presently is abusive (and it absolutely IS) means you have a brilliant sense of self awareness that with time and therapy, would make you a fantastic parent. I speak from experience - I too believed I could never be a parent, never feel capable, never take the risk. I'm going into hospital tomorrow to be induced for my first, very much wanted baby boy, and I've been a stepmum for nearly 2 years. So it's doable - it's taken me 4 years to work on my own sense of self esteem so it's not been instant, but here I am.

Lastly - I applaud you for your bravery in posting this. Quite a few of us on here have had disruptive, abusive childhoods so please do continue to talk as you see fit. And well done for making this step in vocalising your feelings

Thank you so much. Good luck in labour too! Hope it's quick for you x

i find it difficult to accept that they're are things I wouldn't ever do with her. Like bridal shopping or family holidays and days out. People don't seem to understand why I say I don't want her at my graduation or even my wedding. How can anyone who doesn't have a mum who has criticised them all they're life possibly understand

Oh love, don't worry about anyone else... this isn't a world where the rest of us have those kind of mums and you have this one, we all have different experiences but the most important one right now is yours. I really encourage you to continue with your counsellor, maybe print this page out and take it along with you to your session as it might make it easier to talk about. You are special and you were special as a child, she was unable to treat you like that because of her issues but it doesn't take away from the fact that you are important and have value and are an amazing person. Just for being you. Try and stop comparing your life with others and work on yourself now. You will get there. You deserve so much better.

You're so kind. It feels very much so that it is a them and us situation

But she can't tell me why There is no reason other than she was (is?) a violent bully. A narcissistic one at that!!

Gracey you will not abuse your children in the way that your mother has abused you! Your writing shows strong self-awareness; if there is a chain of abuse in your family it's clear to me that you're going to be the one to break it.

Your mother failed you massively. You deserve much better. Keep on talking about it, it will get better.

xxxxx

Ah Gracey that makes painful reading. I am so sorry you had to go through that.
Your mother explains away her behaviour by saying she was abused. It may be true but she could have made a choice and sought help, as you're doing.
I think you are grieving both your father and the loss of any live/relationship with your mother. If you can, stY with your grandmother. It won't do you any good to live with your mother ever again. Try to work hard so that you can keep yourself and are never beholden to her financially. (Her or a man, i might add.)
Try to be civil but cold. Also people aren't stupid and have probably realised more than you think. Or might even have overheard her. She sounds out of control of herself do I'm sure it must have happened once.

@MissBrooke
Whenever people have heard she's blamed me. She doesn't even say she was abused at all haha she normalises it, her mum hit her and called her fat when she was 10 and her dad used to make personal remarks too. I didn't know her parents as her mum died when my mum was 12 and her dad died when she was 26. My problem is, I'm so bitter and sick about the situation I am starting to resent them

Hi OP, your post was really hard to read and devastatingly sad . I come from having a mum who actually did "smack" (usually a sharp tap on the back of the leg but not enough to leave a mark) and honestly it didn't do any harm because DB and I understood why it had happened. I don't resent her for it in any way but I can see the difference in our mums and what she did to you is disgusting. She is a bully and abuser. I hope you can find some answers.

A tap wouldn't have even bothered me hahah, they're all very catholic in her family and she's been raised in an evironment where they all speak to eachother like shit. Her cousins especially as that's the only family she has left. They all have the "I can say what I want and fuck you if you get offended" mentality

Well you sound determined to break the cycle Gracey.

I hope I can do, it would be too much to handle to not. Hopefully counselling will help. I'm just scared that my mum could get into trouble if I tell them

If you're over 18 then there's no immediate threat to you (because you're an adult and have choices, unlike a child) so you wouldn't be seen as at risk so no reason for a counsellor to break confidentiality.

And I understand why you wouldn't want her at your graduation etc. People won't understand but don't worry about them, they didn't have to live with her their entire lives!!

I can tell you that I'm not in touch with my mother and more (this year) and it's AMAZING!!! I was desperately sad on my birthday not to have heard from her but other than that (and I don't imagine I'll feel like that again) it's so liberating to NEVER have to worry about her remarks, about upsetting her, about not being good enough etc. When her birthday came up and I didn't do anything, I felt a little bit guilty, BUT, I couldn't believe how wonderful it was not to have spent 4-6 weeks stressing about it! I had no idea that other people didn't stress before their parent's birthday, they simply got a gift! I didn't even know I had been stressing until then either, because it was just normal!

And bridal shopping with her was awful - she was annoyed because I was looking g for my dress and not choosing what she should wear!! Seriously! The romantic idea of these things doesn't always work out and knowing what I do now, I'd have loved to do it with some close friends who could put me first.

And I came back to this thread because I had been thinking about the way you write and wanted to say what some others now have: you have a self-awareness that means you won't be/aren't an abuser.

Keep up with counselling - and make sure you're properly comfortable with him/her. If you're not the best thing you can do is find someone else. It's very important that you feel totally comfortable and counsellors all know this.

Hi Gracey,

Sorry if I'm repeating anyone else, but you sound like such a lovely person. For your own mental well-being, you might need to think about distancing yourself from your mum, both emotionally and physically. And maybe try a different councellor. I know that's hard, I've been through a few, and the hardest thing to do is to tell them your situation from the beginning. It's a hard slog emotionally, but worth it.

My mum abused me in a different way (sexually), and i was so confused for so many years. To everyone else, she seemed like a good mum. She was still my mum, i still had love for her in a strange way, fucked up as that may sound. But when it's all you know, and its the person who is your primary carer who is supposed to protect you, and society dictates that we are supposed to love our parents unconditionally, things can become very, very confusing.

With the support of a fantastic therapist, I finally cut contact a few years ago when I was 30. And i am so damn proud of myself. I have occasional relapses of anxiety and depression, but generally i am in a much better place. But, i wish i had done it much sooner.

You are worth so much more that this toxic person. Blood isn't neccassarily thicker than water. I really think you might benefit from it. Its damn scary. Really bloody scary! But think ahead in 10/15 yeaXxtime, when you might have a family.. You wont want your children to be exposed to her behaviour. That was the trigger for me - my daughter was already 2 when i took the leap. Best choice of my life.

You're a strong person. You have control over your own life. You decide who is good enough to be a part of it, whether you're related to them or not.

Xx Thinking of you

Dear girl! you were severely emotionally and physically abused.
I'm so sorry for what happened to you.
You must go through some kind of healing process now. You honestly have been through a lot don't underestimate it. But the great news is you came out of it.
What happened to you may v likely show up in intimate relationships. Continue with therapy and be as honest with your therapist if you feel you can be for now.
Good luck I wish you peace.

keep talking.

You might find the stately homes thread helpful.

'...around 6 years old the real physicals started, she would grab the insides of my arms and bruise them, she has bitten me a few times and would hit my legs and kick my shins from being around 10, she pulled my hair and when I was around 12 she pulled it so hard a section came out of my scalp.'

Yes, I'm so sorry but it sounds like you were horribly abused and bullied. And that's before we even start on the psychological abuse.

Part of it is you coming out and saying 'I'm not sure if this is just me, but...' and the next part needs to be you finding some help. It was never your fault - it couldn't possibly be; you were a small child!

I wish you all the luck in the world finding help and support; you deserve to be able to work through this and not have it cast a cloud over the rest of your adult life.

Thanks everyone!

@amandahugandkisses, it most definitely has highlighted in intimate relationships. I pushed my boyfriend away when he wanted space because I was fearful of abandonment, as desperate as it seems I crave love

I have v similar issues of abandonment and rejection.
I tend to sabotage things and push my intimate relationships until they find me too much and back off. It's a pattern.
I had an emotionally abusive upbringing too. Yours was v severe. It will affect you but it will give you insight into learning to love yourself.
I promise things will get better X

I wish I had a crystal ball to see the future so that I could have something to seriously focus on

You actually do have something to focus on: your life now and doing things to be in control of it and how you feel. The thing with an abusive childhood is we are used to zoning out - by various methods - of the here and now, because living it was simply too much for us to bear. It's very common to look for a better future in whatever that means to us.

However, the only way our future will be a good place to be is if we teach ourselves (can also get counsellor to help with this) how to live in a more day by day way. Long term goals are great, but we can't make massive jumps to reach them, it's little step by little step. Some of those steps can be hard or painful, but some are also fun and exciting and some of the harder ones also have silver linings.