ds's dad in new relationship

[gargalesis]

Me and my ex broke up 3 months ago. We have an 18mo son. He was really useless around the house and prone to angry outbursts and had started drinking and doing drugs (he'd been clean for quite a few years up until recently). So the past 3 months have been hard for me because he's been generally shit about seeing DS. But at the same time I've been really starting to enjoy being free from him, the atmosphere in the house is so much nicer, it's great not to be arguing and having to clean up after him etc. I'm well shot of him.

Last week he really had started to seem much better, he's got himself clean and his mood has really improved and he has been generally much more on it. He is acting like a different person. I was feeling really happy for him and looking forward to him spending more time with DS, etc.

But then he told me that he'd started seeing someone. She is nearly half his age. He is staying at her house and going to parties with her. He has popped in a couple of times to see DS but not stayed longer than a couple of hours because he is "busy". He has only been seeing her a few days. He asked me if he could introduce DS to her (NO, was my answer, btw).

I am devastated. He said "I'm just having a bit of fun and getting on with my life". Aaargh. What a fucking bastard. I am raising his child single handedly while he is off living his life. Aaargh. I just feel so angry and sad. I don't want him back I just want him to focus on his son, not go off shagging younger women. Wtf does she see in him anyway???

Really needed to get all that off my chest.

What a bastard. My XH was the same, several much younger women in quick succession without a thought for DS. He introduced them without my knowledge and then told DS to lie about it. He even told him one was his sister and then snogged her face off, cue very confused 4 year old 😡 I don't blame you for being angry, it's not easy being left to shoulder all the responsibility, it's hard bloody work! What do you need from him in terms of your DS?

Um, well, did you think he was going to stay single? Most men don't, and he is entitled to date whoever he wants, as are you.

I totally understand you feel like you are left "holding the baby" and aren't as free as he is, but honestly, take a look at the man you just described. Would you rather be him, a loser with drug, alcohol and anger issues, or you, so much happier with your lovely DS?

I agree it's foolish for him to introduce DS to the new GF but again, you cannot control whether he does this or not, unless you really think she is a danger to DS. You say you want him to focus on DS, well he isn't going to do that and you can't control it. It's shit, yes, and he is a bastard.

It sounds like he has been spending time in your home seeing DS? I would put boundaries in place so that doesn't happen, it's not terribly healthy when you feel angry with him. If he collects him and drops him back after a few hours, you will have free time to have lunch with friends, go to the cinema, chill and have some child free time.

This probably all still feels really raw but it will get easier I promise.

I need him to start taking DS out for the day because I'm trying to write up my thesis and the deadline is looming. I'm so pissed off that I am dependent on him for this. I'm just really worried that he is leaping straight into a new relationship rather than taking the time to sort out his mental health problems and his drug problems. He has only just got to the point where I will allow him unsupervised access, he's really been a mess until last week. If this relationship doesn't work out where does that leave him? And his son? I can just imagine him crashing and burning again and leaving me to shoulder all the responsibility, again.