What do you do if you rarely get what you need from your dh/dp?

[arabella2]

Like mine comes back from being away for 3 days and does not make a move to give me a hug or anything likes that. Ds and dd get all his affection - he tells ds frequently how much he misses him when he is away etc... and how wonderful he is (which I agree that he is)... but I get zip.
So if I accept that this is never going to change, I am always going to have some of my needs unmet and feel vaguely resentful about things, how do I come to terms with it so that I no longer feel this resentment? Ie. dh is always going to love our kids more than he loves me and there is nothing I can do to change it so I better find a way of thinking where it no longer hurts.
So because he has no nice words for me, I am the same with him and many petty arguments ensue because we both feel uncared for...
How I wish I had gone for the more demonstrative type of person who was into celebrating relationships, not pretending they don't exist or always getting involved in a power struggle...

I could have written this the way I feel today. No advice but sympathy. I feel worn pout and old and tired today and just plaoin sick of feeling like it's all me putting in the effore. Sorry i can't help you more but do feel for you babes.
I don't know what to do either.

You know what Arabella? Me too. I know it's of no help at all to you that I feel the same, but I do.

A close friend of mine has just left her husband after feeling like this for many years. She suddenly realised that he wasn't giving her what she needed, and he never would. So she left. Very brave of her and now she is so happy.

hmmmmm my husband is like this, not to the point I would want to leave him though, far from it! Its just how is, I cant change it but it does get on my nerves.

Than again other times (less often) he can be quite attentive

I'm with you too!

Arabella - a friend of mine who has just recently left her dh told me that what decided her was realising that the success of a relationship is measured simply by the degree to which the people in it feel they are having their needs met. Maybe that sounds really obvious but it wasn't to me or to her!

Of course, it would be mad to depend on just one person to meet all your needs but perhaps what you need to decide is how much you can live with and how much is too much of a compromise.

actually maybe my dh is just more attentive when he wants something

Message withdrawn

Mine never kisses me unless he wishes it to progress to another level! He rings me from work to remind me to do a selection of errands for him, and NEVER buys me presents for birthdays, anniversaries etc. He is just not demonstrative at all - it's taken him years of my prompting him to kiss even the children goodnight!

do you know mine is in the Us at t he mo and cant stop ringing me - its normally th other way around, but I am so busy that I cant think about the time diff etc and havent rung him since he went on MOnday.

I tell you treat em mean seems to keep em keen!

Have you ever read "men are from Mars, Women are from Venus"? It's good at describing the different ways that men and women communicate and in how they want their needs met - and at suggesting strategies that, while respecting those differences, may help in creatig environments which ARE more conducive to getting the support you want/need.

That sounds very poncy, but the book is actually very readable.

For example, men go into their "caves" to sort out a problem, once they have worked it out, they will come out and ask for a specific piece of help. You pestering him asking him what the "probelm" is will only force him deepr into his cave.

Whereas women like to "offload" - for example, will talk about their awful day just to get it off their chest. Men will hear the complaints and keep on coming up with solutions - and feel frustrated and annoyed athat you are not "listening" to the solution - totally misunderstadning that all you are looking for is sympathy and a "yes, dear, isn't that awful..." type empathetic comments.