Please be kind to me.
On the outside it looked as though I had a perfectly normal childhood. My mum and dad were together until I was around 9 years old. They argued non stop. My dad cheated on my mum, but I think my mum did too. There were always trying to keep up with the neighbours etc and generally quite materialistic. My dad started to show signs of schizophrenia but was in complete denial and would refuse to go to the doctor. Eventually they split.
I found the split traumatic because I was a daddy’s girl. My dad was the one who did everything with me. My mum on the other hand worked hard, but never wanted to spend any time with me even on her time off. I remember she used to force me to go outside and play because she was doing housework and wanted me out of the way. My gran told me that when she would come down to visit I would never be in the house and she would find my mum in front of the TV.
I went on holiday with my parents and they basically left me to my own devices. I found it hard as I was shy and I was an only child. My parents would sit and sunbathe all day everyday. They didn’t do anything with me. I was left on my own really.
This might sound strange but as a child it was quite scary as I didn’t understand. When my mum and dad were still together I used to hear them have sex a lot. My bedroom was next door to theirs and they were very loud (no effort to be quiet). I used to dread going to bed for fear of hearing them. I would cry myself back to sleep because I didn’t understand what was going on and I thought my mum was in pain. I used to hate going on holiday because the first night we would arrive they would have sex as soon as we got to the hotel and I would hear everything. I used to go to bed early so I would not hear. I hated it. I remember tactually telling them to stop. My dad also had dirty magazines lying around and porn videos which were kept alongside my kids movies.
When my parents split, my mum met my step dad quickly afterwards. He would stay overnight and they would be at it all night. I would hear everything because they were so loud and inconsiderate. For all the years spent trying to keep up appearances, my mum went bankrupt months into meeting my step dad. My mum is materialistic and I think she set eyes on him as she thought he had money. Instead of trying to build back up her life on her own and seeing how the relationship went, we moved an hour away to live with my step dad.
I had difficulty in sleeping as my step dad would have the TV up so loud. It was even worse when he had his friends around. He smoked weed most nights in the house which would travel up into my room. He would also play his guitar so I would be up a lot of the night. I used to ask him if he could be quieter but it never worked. I would cry myself to sleep. He would have a go at my mum for this as it was embarrassing in front of his friends.
My relationship with my mum got worse and the same with my step dad. Every now and then she would pack my bags and tell me to find somewhere else to live. I was around 10 or 11. One one occasion she had me by the throat trying to strangle me. I was choking and didn’t have a way to get her off me. Eventually I got her off. My step dad was very controlling but didn’t pull me up directly. He would go to my mum who would then shout at me. i felt a lot of it was trivial and unjustified. He tended to exaggerate a lot to the point that it wasn’t the truth but my mum would always believe him over me and I would get the blame.
When I was twelve my mum and step dad went to New York on a trip that my step dad had won at his work for being the top person in his field. The trip happened to fall on my twelfth birthday but they just left me with my gran claiming it was a “once in a lifetime trip”. Bearing in mind that this was the end of September/beginning of October, they came back with a pair of sun glasses and a board game for me.
When I was 14-15 I lost my virginity. I was raped by an 18 year old boy. I remember being paralytic at the time and not being physically able to lift my hand to stop him from taking off my trousers. My hand was too heavy. I didn’t tell my parents about this.
I left school at 16 and went to college. I dropped out two years in a row. I ended up in an emotionally abusive relationship when I was 16. He was 26. The relationship lasted for around a year. I let home and moved to the city to attend another college. I had always wanted to do a certain career which my family thought was too high for me to reach. They were negative and doubted my ability to stick it out.
I moved back home after I got into university which was a bad mistake. Things got bad at home. They argued constantly. I am talking horrific arguments resulting in physical violence on both parts. I came into our street one day and could hear them arguing from inside the house.
I constantly felt like I had no privacy and my step dad would shout at me regularly. I was treading on egg shells on a daily basis. My mum wasn’t any better and more often than not took his side. He was never physically abusive towards me, but on one occasion he came very close. He stormed up to me ready to lift his hands but I managed to run into my room and hold the door.
The arguments between my mum and step dad continued to get worse. My mum would regularly tell me that they had split up and that I would need to find somewhere else to stay. I felt massive pressure and stress as I would be going through exams or essay deadlines and eventually I ended up depressed because it was all getting on top of me. I wasn’t aware of the depression in the beginning.
At one time my mum told me that she had to get out, she didn’t love him, he treated her horribly etc. She said we were stuck because she didn’t have any money as she had to support me through university. I felt awful and thought the blame lay with me as to why we were still there. I felt responsible to bring in more money so that we could save enough to leave him. I was so desperate to get my mum enough money that I sold my body. I didn’t tell my mum about this. I began squirrelling money away and gave it to my mum to keep. She spent it all. I was absolutely broken. I stopped it after that. It was at that point in my life I realised that it doesn’t matter or much money I could give to my mum, it would never be enough.
The relationship continued between my mum and step dad. The abuse got worse. I couldn’t stand being in the house at all. I nearly committed suicide. I wanted my life to just end. I went to women’s aid for help and I began to see a counsellor at university twice a week for 2-3 years. She was amazing. She helped safe my life. I was in the darkest hole and she helped pull me out.
I had to continue living at home for five years in total until I finished university. I met my current partner nearly three years ago and he knows everything about my life. We finally got a house together recently and it has been the biggest relief getting my freedom and privacy back. I feel happy.
I have an alright relationship with my mum and step dad now, although they are totally oblivious to what they put me through. I have a very desirable career after years of perseverance. In the recent past they have told me I wouldn’t be here now if it wasn’t for them. If only they knew.
Do you think my mum and step dad have been emotionally abusive to me? I constantly doubt myself because they have always made me to be the unreasonable person and it’s only now I realise that I don’t think I am - it’s them.
Sorry for such a long post. Thanks for reading.