Toxic family, please help

[Lottielou272]

I just don't know what to do any more.

I'm a lone parent of three, the oldest has severe disability, the youngest has ADHD and the middle child is very bright /NT. Since July I have had a back injury which looks as if it will need surgery. I've always felt that my parents hate me. My mum screams and shouts at me because of having to help me look after the children. The oldest one is very challenging at times but ive managed to get her into an independent school for children with autism and already I'm seeing improvement (she's 14)

My friend says I just need to get out of the situation by encouraging dd1,to board. This is probably a good idea for her but I'm worried about what I will do and who will collect my other DC. Dd3, the last time I asked for her to be in after school club wandered off. I'm well educated but I've been at home running my daughters ABA program since I was 23 and I'm now 36. I'm bright but how can I start a career now? I'm a qualified spa therapist.

My mum says she tells everyone at her work that I'm a bastard and she wouldn't care if she never saw me again. I don't care what these people think. She is now dragging my other DC into it. They see her attacking me and get upset and say they hate her (I'm sure they don't mean it) these are children of 11 and 7 and she says she'll cut me them out of her will. (Who cares)

If my children were all NT I could have coped alone.

How do I get out of this shit situation?

Yes, I want to have a meeting with him. Ok, I will speak to my social worker and be honest with her about how both my parents push me physically. One time I had to stop her punching my dd. I feel so ashamed to admit this but maybe if I don't I won't get any more help.

We have a social worker for dd, and I near
Y had a breakdown I had to open up to her about how exactly I felt and the situation, I got more respite hours and more help from her. Omg she nearly punched your dd that would be an automatic non contact. Op you have to cut your mum out of your life she is not helping and she is abusive to you and your kids.

One time I had to stop her punching my dd

If she did that when YOU were around, she will be doing it when you aren't there :(

Just wanted to say that if you tell sw about your mother nearly hitting your child and that she has attacked you they will then see this as a safeguarding issue and may well get involved if you do not make every effort to protect them. I am not suggesting you shouldn't be honest just that it will raise other issues and you need to be really clear that you are not going to ever expose your children to this risk again. Don't be ashamed you are not in the wrong here. Frankly I think you are amazing to be coping so well but if social services and your husband can increase support you can cut your parents off completely and frankly that sounds the best option in long run for you and your kids. Keep us updated if you can lottielou (if you are happy to do so of course). We are here for virtual hand holding

That is exactly what I was thinking flapjack but did not know for definite. This may well be safeguarding and abuse exposure, so may investigate this, and ask you to cease contact for the welfare of your children, if you don't they may remove them if you keep exposing them to abuse. All the more for you to cut contact with this abusive individual. Them seeing her abuse you, is probably having a long lasting psychological affect on them. Children are like sponges, they are older so can understand more than a much younger child. Do this for your children op.

I know she has never hit my other children because they would have told me. The incident with my dd, I'm fairly sure was isolated and was provoked by my dd kicking, and breaking her double glazed glass window. I stopped her from hurting my dd and afterwards she did say that she was glad I had stopped her. My mum is usually the first to complain if she has a bruise and accusatory of everyone else!! But of course toxic people make no sense. She and my dad do regularly shove me though and threaten to slap me (have done since I was a child).

I have told the social worker, in confidence about all the issues that have happened and she feels that it would be best to keep their involvement to a minimum.

My daughter has been at her new school for a week and I can already see positive change in her behaviours. So maybe I will be able to cope better without them. My 11 year old is very mature for her age.

Thank you for your support

Your SW is right you do, even Nc, she is abusing you, because of that your kids are being exposed to it. You need to go for counselling or CBT to help you. In a way it's like having an abusive partner, that's exactly how they operate, you need the strength to cut her off for good!

I know, I have had two years of counselling. I don't have relationships with men because they tend to sniff out that they can be abusive. I have a good friend who is trying to support me to leave and perhaps move further away so that I won't see as much of them.

At this point, the priority is to get my back fixed and then I will not need nearly as much support.

I think that one other thing to mention here is that the dependency on my parents comes partly from the fact that I can't work at the moment and they paid for us to have a good solicitor to help put pressure on the LA to move her to this independent school. I have no doubt that without his involvement she would not be at this school now and what she NEEDS overall is this multi disciplinary approach. The LA EP said he's never seen such a complex child in his life.

So, they are abusive but without their help my dd would not have this fantastic school placement.

I can see where you are coming from, but you cannot be abused like this at the detriment of your kids.i think they are using that they help you as a stick to beat you with. Thanks

Because she knows she helps you, its her green light to do whatever she wants to you. She knows you need her and that she can treat you like crap. You need to start distancing yourself, getting independent without needing her help. YOu are already, as you have your dd in a good school. I feel that you feel because of this, your indebted to her.

You have to break this, your dc can see how she is treating you. Forget the past now, look to the future without this abuse in it.

What do you need, in order to 'fix' your back? How much can your ex help?

Find practical ways with your social worker how you can remove any need to have your mum look after any of your dc.

Yes, they helped financially but that does not mean you have to give your mum any control in your life (which is often what controlling family members do - they use 'gifts' as a way of getting some control over you). Basically FOG - fear, obligation, guilt. You're afraid of being shouted at/shoved/having confrontations (normal response). You feel obliged to be grateful/kind as they are family/have done things for you. You feel guilt when you say 'no'. Controlling people work on your fear, obligation and guilt to manipulate you.

Once you notice your mum doing this it can be very freeing. Another thing to try when you are setting boundaries is just saying 'no' and not explaining why. What is the worst that can happen? She can scream/cry/ignore you for days but she cannot force you to say 'yes' when she demands some time with your dc when she knows it is unsuitable (dad days etc).

Common tactics when you say 'no' to look out for and be aware of in advance: screaming and some sort of meltdown. This is done so you immediately change your mind out of fear or guilt. Stick to your guns. She will leave your house. Then, you will get flying monkeys - your dad may call or a sibling to say your mum is 'devestated' about your decision and hasn't stopped crying. Basically, obligation and guilt is now being used to get you to change your mind. Finally, you may get silent treatment or slagged off to all and sundry. Most people listening to your mum calling you a 'bastard' may be nodding but inside they will be thinking 'this woman is nasty - how could she call her dd a'bastard'. I'll just nod and agree so she doesn't have a pop at me'. They are agreeing because they are afraid of her.

She learnt all of this from her parents as you say, but you are breaking the cycle. Actually, if you are firm and calm, and manage to stick to your guns pre-empting behaviours and having an idea how you are going to react before she does things then you will see changes. It might free her a bit from her behaviour which must be hard for her too.

say to tyhe flying monkeys that you don't want your daughter or yourself to be hit by her any more. it's a tad dramatic - but it's also true and should shut them up. In the circumstances I can see why your mother was very angry with your daughter, but hitting is never ok. Remember, your children all hate here. There's a reason.