Moving on from my friend

[ladyvimes]

I feel a bit silly posting this but it has been on my mind for a very long time and I just need some advice.

I was friends with a guy (let's call him Dan) from the age of 11. We went to school together and were in lots of classes together. We spent more time together in sixth form but only ever as friends.
We both ended up going to the same uni and used to hang out occasionally. I had a boyfriend who was also friends with Dan. Nothing ever inappropriate happened.
In my last year of uni my boyfriend and I split up and me and Dan started spending more time together going to the cinema or for drinks, but only as friends.
Later in my final year I got a new boyfriend and Dan and I stayed friends but it started to get a bit weird.
The main things that stand out are the time he told me (when drunk) that he had been in love with the same girl for several years but that it was never going to work out; he wouldn't tell me who. Another time he wanted to meet up for a catch up. He sent me messages which I didn't receive and basically drove to my town (30 mins from him) and sat in a bar just in case I got his messages. I eventually got his messages when he was at the bar and rushed down to see him. My boyfriend came too and after about half an hour Dan said he had a headache and went home.
Our friendship started to fizzle away and when I announced I was getting married he cut contact and unfriended me on Facebook.

Sorry for the essay. I just want to ask if you think he had feelings for me? Igenuinely had no idea at the time and now think about it often.
Also I really miss his friendship. I don't have many male friends and I knew him so well for so long. I just can't get over losing him as a friend and I don't know how to move on.
Thank you in advance for your help.

Who knows.

Sounds like it. And it sounds like you think that's what it is. But - and I don't mean this unkindly - are you sure you don't have feelings for him - which is why it's difficult to move on?

Yes I think you were probably the girl he'd been in love with for years OP. He cut contact when you got married because that was the point at which he had to accept nothing was ever going to happen with you and him. I can understand you miss his friendship but I think you have to respect his decision, unrequited love is hard and cutting contact with you is obviously what he needs to do in order to move on. Sorry OP

Although if he did love you he should of said it shouldn't he.

I don't think I had feelings other than those of friendship for him. He was a really lovely guy, nice looking, intelligent but I never 'fancied' him.
I guess I wish he had told me or that I had realised how he felt about me so that I could have treated him more sensitively.
He was very good at talking about emotions and I used to talk to him a lot about my relationships and feelings. It must have been horrible for him and I feel terrible.

Thank you for all your help. I will respect his decision. I suppose I just wish I could apologise for not seeing how he felt, but I realise this is never going to happen.

I don't think he is much of a friend if he doesn't want to be friends with you just because he fancied you. I have couple of friends on by Facebook who were nearly something else when I was younger but are now married and it's all cool, just nice to know they are OK.

LoveRosie Just no. An awful lot of people of both sexes often never say anything if they fall for a friend because unless they are certain the other friend feels the same way, they don't want to risk destroying the friendship. Very often the one who doesn't feel the same breaks contact with the friend who owned up because they feel it will now be awkward. Some people think that they can cope being just friends and control their feelings because they would really miss having that person in their life; the feelings either fade, and all is good, or they don't, in which case very often a parting of the ways happens, as in this case.

I just like to know that people are OK. I keep an open mind and never close my mind off to anyone, life should be like water, fluid and with movement not stagnant and still. That's my strange quote of the day .

Sometimes protecting yourself is more inportant than knowing others are ok and it's difficult for life to be fluid when you're stuck in a rut with feelings you know are not reciprocated and feel unable to move on with your life while that person is still around. It's difficult to understand if you've never loved someone who doesn't love you back in the same way but sometimes having that person in your life is the very thing which keeps things still and stagnant and you can't move your life on at all unless you cut them off.

Well I see it from both sides, I once cut off a friend when I was young as I thought it best, found out years later that he was clearly not OK, I regret that.

Also someone cut me off as they thought it was best for them when I was not OK. So maybe we should all be just be a bit nicer and more understanding to each other and a little less selfish, not current thinking I know but feel this is the way forward. Having said all this it makes a difference whether the person actually cares or just fancies the person, if it's just fancying then I imagine it's quite easy to cut someone off without caring.

He told the OP he had been in love with the same girl for years, I think that probably confirms it was more than 'fancying' in this case.

Did you need it spelled out for you?!

It's over and done with now, though. Nothing you can do except get over it.

Thanks for that Walter. To be honest at the time I had pretty low self esteem, so yeah I probably did need it spelling out.

I know I need to get over it but it isn't always easy.

Sorry, lady. My post was meant to be lighthearted! I missed out the smiley face!