I had an affair. I was stupid.

[Whiteshirtblackskirt]

Stupid in that this bloke was in the public eye and I thought he wanted me. Turns out he has found a girlfriend and "his circumstances have changed, nothing to do with me."
I am wounded. Because I thought he'd take me away from my awful situation. But I was wrong.
Just venting really. And NC for obvious reasons.

So its not really the fact that you had an affair that makes you stupid, but more of you thinking it could be a rescue from where you are.

You were after a KISA (knight in shining armour)

If you're not happy with the relationship you have, make plans to leave rather than cheat. It just adds an unecessary layer of complexity. It seems you're looking to have an exit affair, because:

● you need somewhere to go
● someone to support you (emotionally and financially
● don't want to be alone, which would be the case if you just left the relationship.

If I was the man in question, I'd much prefer not having to sneak around with an unavailable woman and get myself a single one. Who needs that stress. Then the potential that your OH could come after him.

A bad relationship is a reason to leave and not an excuse to cheat.

I thought he'd take me away from my awful situation
What awful situation?
Why can't you get away yourself?
Is it your DH who you want to get away from?
If so then call Womens Aid and ask for their help with an exit plan.
There's nearly always a way out!
You don't need another man to show you it.
You can do it yourself!
0808 2000 247 - call them.

Got it in one Sandy. I was looking for that because it seemed like a good idea at the time. I realise now that focussing on getting out is the best way to go.

Yes. It's H. I feel trapped. No abuse as such just he thinks it is 1950. SAHM, joint bank acct only so no way of making money. I tried to go to my parents but they say I have to make my marriage work.

If I call womens aid will they inform social services? DD is the only thing in my life I care about. I want to provide the best for her.

How old is DD?

Can you get a part time job? Maybe in the evenings for a few days when he's home to do the childcare?

Did you work before you had DD?
Any chance of going back to f/t work?

Being financially independent is the key here. You need to work on that and bide your time.

If you told your partner you wanted to leave, would it be amicable? Could you negotiate a way forward or is he emotionally abusive / financially controlling- just trying to understand your situation a little more

Could you negotiate a way forward or is he emotionally abusive / financially controlling-

I've heard it all on Mumsnet now! She's had the affair but it must be the husband who is emotionally abusive

She might have had an affair but it doesn't mean the husband isn't ffs

He's not abusive as such. Just strategically incompetent and it wears me down.

I know I am in the wrong to have an affair. It has just complicated things further.

My DD is 19 months. A part time job would be a very good idea indeed. I just hope H won't make me tip the money up.

I have tried to leave a few times. It won't be amicable if I do.

Having an affair because you need a rescuer is never a good idea.

But yes, affairs are rarely black and white, there is almost always more to an affair, and they are usually a symptom rather than a cause of a relationship breakdown. That doesn't justify having one though.

And I speak as someone who had an affair and whose h was emotionally abusive and controlling. Isolated me from friends and family, checked up on me wherever I went, used to threaten to kill my animals in arguments etc.

I didn't leave for the OM fwiw but I did leave anyway because the affair made me realise how impossible my relationship was.

OP this is a wake up call. You wanted someone to rescue you from the situation you're in. Don't wait around for someone else to do it, take this opportunity to leave now that you know this isn't where you want to be.

He doesn't want to cheat on his new gf.

What's that got to do with it OP?

It hurts