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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Does anyone find this odd? Or am I worrying for nothing?

14 replies

Curiousanne99 · 09/09/2016 09:00

Right so a couple of weeks ago my fiancé gran passed away.
Her funeral is in a few days.

We've been together 2 years and I'm pregnant with our little girl.

He said to me at first "are you coming to the funeral with me"
I said "of course I'll be supporting you"
All the family I've met I get along with and the rest he hardly speaks to anyway. Its dads mum, and him and his uncles ect have all asked if I'm coming
He's now told them he doesn't think I'm coming.
He said I'm too pregnant and it's too much
I think that's not Really an issue do you?

He is now saying to me he doesn't want me coming because it's a long way to go and he hasn't seen some of his family in years he doesn't want us all meeting like that.
Then he said his best friend is probably meeting him at the wake and they're going out for a drink after so he'll have someone.

I do feel a bit hurt and pushed to the back burner because of this. Am I wrong? Is it just my hormones?

I can't exactly approach him and act hurt by this subject can I?

I'm not sure what to do or think

OP posts:

crayfish · 09/09/2016 09:03

How pregnant are you and how far is it? I think that makes a difference. if youre 38 weeks and it's a four hour drive I would say maybe he's being considerate, if your 16 weeks and it's half an hour away I would say it's a bit odd.

I would always expect to go to the funeral of one of my DH's relatives, whether i knew them or not, just to support him, so i do think its a bit strange.

LoveRosie2008 · 09/09/2016 09:04

Maybe he doesn't want you getting stressed or another reason. Sometimes you just have to let it go.

CalmItKermitt · 09/09/2016 09:05

How odd. He does seem very keen that you don't go. There won't be an old flame there or something will there?

LineyReborn · 09/09/2016 09:07

his best friend is probably meeting him at the wake and they're going out for a drink after

This is why ^^

ParisGellar · 09/09/2016 09:09

He probably wants to get drunk without having to worry about driving you home etc.

SandyY2K · 09/09/2016 09:12

I don't understand why he doesn't seem to want you there. How far gone are you? Is it a long journey that could be uncomfortable for you?

If you feel fine and able to go, him telling you not to come seems a bit odd I agree.

Maybe he really wants to spend time with his friend and doesn't want to have to feel responsible for keeping you company .... and he knows you can't drink at the moment.

He may not want the attention to switch to him and you ... with a visible pregnancy.

I'd feel hurt TBH, but I'd probably just leave any conversation to essentials with him. I can tend to ignore my DH if he annoys me like this and give him the cold shoulder.

Alternatively, there's no harm in saying you feel pushed out and it seems that there's an underlying reason he doesn't want you there, but it's his choice and you won't go where you're not wanted. Then leave it at that and say you hope it all goes well.

Sugarpiehoneyeye · 09/09/2016 09:16

Just let him go OP, he's after a few beers with his buddy, that's all. 😄

whaaaaat · 09/09/2016 09:18

I would be hurt too. Is he insistent, or just suggesting you don't go. It does depend how pregnant you are.

As someone else has said, maybe he's just found out that on old flame will be there and doesn't want any awkwardness, or maybe he just wants to drown his (understandable) sorrows.

Would you put your foot down and insist you go?

Original poster

Curiousanne99 · 09/09/2016 09:30

Yeah I absolutely understand the few beers with his buddy..
He had no money because it's tight.
I gave him the money for the beers lol.
What hurts is I've been here listening to his rants for the past few weeks. I've held him through tears and put up with mood swings. Now when it comes down to it he doesn't need me? He made a point of telling me and the kids (his step children)
He expects lots of cuddles when he gets home.
Obviously there will be but I do feel a little used if you no what I mean.

I'm 29 weeks and the journey isn't anymore than I do every day.

Old flame lol.. That would be a sure way to end the relationship for sure..

I get all your views though and I'm probably just over sensitive. It's just if I had a funeral he would automatically be beside me.

He has drinks with his best mate every Saturday though so that's not really an issue. We wouldn't be driving either.

I won't cause a row when he's grieving though. That's why I came here tbh.

OP posts:

whaaaaat · 09/09/2016 09:39

OP, in that case I would be really upset. I know the circumstances make it difficult to express your feelings, but you're not heavily pregnant, it's not a long drive and there's really no reason why you shouldn't go.

If there is an old flame going, it doesn't mean anything is or will go on, it's more likely he wouldn't want you, he or her to feel uncomfortable. Completely speculating here, obviously.

I would push this one a bit OP.

Original poster

Curiousanne99 · 09/09/2016 10:08

Whaaat
Yeah obviously lol but if he choose to let an old flame be there over his fiancé there would be huge issues. It'd disrespectful in every way.
However it's doubtful none of his exs knew his family or had a lengthy relationship with him so it would be odd more than anything.

I am upset and I guess I needed a rant about it rather than upset him when he is already hurting.

He is uncomfortable going because of some of his family and I wanted to support him through that. I thought it was my job.

I've reminded him over and over that I would go if he wanted me to. He said the same thing.

OP posts:

whaaaaat · 09/09/2016 10:39

OP, but he might not have "chosen" the old flame even goes. Maybe it's a friend of a friend. It's likely it's not this at all though.

Is there someone in his family that maybe he's embarrassed for you to meet? I know my dp has loads of those!

whaaaaat · 09/09/2016 10:40

I meant maybe it's a family friend.

Sugarpiehoneyeye · 09/09/2016 12:52

Hi OP, just been catching up on the thread.
I see he often catches up on a beer with his friend, and that you wouldn't have far to travel if you accompanied him.
I understand now, why you are upset.
He has chosen to live with you and your children, as a family.
Families support each other, and show respect for both sides of their families, particularly in times of grief.
I very much, think you should go, without question. Infact, I don't think it's a debatable issue. Make yourself heard. Tell him that you understand his grief, and that you will be there, side by side to support him, as you would expect and appreciate his support.
I hope you get this sorted soon, for peace of mind 💐

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