Isolated

[Lostallhope09]

Hi I'm just looking for abit of advice. I've been with my partner for a good few years. We have a baby and I have a dd from previous relationship but he bought her up from 9months old. Anyway the last few years we have had various problems he has anger problems and a bad temper with it. The last 3 years especially have been difficult but we was bought closer together when our baby was born. Anyway now recently I want to get out abit and get a part time job I know it would be difficult but it's now become impossible because he has said no, because he works as a manager and has to be fully flex he says I can't get a few hours a day as he has to go work when they say etc we don't know when he will be back either. I understand he has to keep his job etc but what about me I feel like so isolated I only get out to school run and a couple of baby groups. I have no income either as we only are entitled to child benefit. He don't give me any money. I thought we was a family and his income was ours as a family but when I've questioned why it's ok for him to buy games etc and waste money he says it's his money. I don't want a life on benefits but I have thought if I left him and lived elsewhere with the kids I'd get a income then. I just am feeling abit fed up and feeling he is abit controlling and keeping me isolated :(

Get a job in a shop they have flexible rotas to fit around any hours you want. Also choose a shop you like or food and then you get a discount as well and then as you get more confidence consider leaving . I know a shop doesn't sound great but it's better than nothing on your CV. He will kick up a fuss, ignore.

Why are you with this man at all now, is it out of fear of him that you really stay?. He has done this deliberately to you and in turn your children.

Who is he angry at mainly; it is you alone?. Such men hate women, all of them.

He is not just a bit controlling, he is very controlling and he is financially abusing you as well. Controlling behaviour like this is abusive behaviour.
Not surprisingly either he is trying to stop you getting a job to earn some money; this is also typical of what financially controlling people do. He wants all the power and control and wants you to have none of that in this relationship.

He is not your keeper but he certainly acts like one to keep you in the cage of his own paranoid making.

Is this really what you want to teach your children about relationships, that yes this is how women are treated?. You, and in turn your children, are being abused by this man.

Please talk to Womens Aid on 0808 2000 247 and make plans using their help to leave this individual before he ruins your life further.

Where does your child benefit get paid? Do you have a joint account? The money he earns is calculated as joint income by the government, that is why you are not entitled to tax credits. How do you buy food or clothes for your children? Is he literally not allowing you to go shopping unless he is there, or does he give you money for food shopping?

If I am reading this right your partner is definitely financially abusive! I'm willing to bet that he is also emotionally abusive if not violent! Please contact woman's aid, you deserve better than this. Are you allowed friends or contact with family members?

I get the child benefit in my account no we don't have joint accounts. He has to come to shop with us for food and also clothes for kids I don't get much unless I sell old clothes etc. Will post more later x

He is monitoring your purchases. His behaviour towards you amounts to him abusing you.

Did not think you had joint accounts; after all he regards "his" money as solely his.

Please call Womens Aid; they can and will help you also.

bloody hell - please call WA and LTB - you are being controlled and abused. Do not excuse his behaviour on anger problems, he is an abuser.

Wow - imagine how much better off you would be away from this abusive man.
He is controlling and financially abusing you.
As others have said, contact Womens Aid!
The number won't show up on phone bills.
They can help you with an exit plan.
When you leave you will get more benefits, tax credits, housing benefits and maintenance from him.
Worthwhile surely???
Womens Aid - NOW!

Sorry can write more now. Yes everytime we need to do a food shop we go together I'm allowed to put what I want In the trolley so he does say that's why he don't give me any money for myself however there's not alot I put in as it's family meals and stuff for baby food nappies etc which I have to give him the child benefit for at the till. Ive been living like this for ages just kept it to myself until lately and my parents now know some parts and said they would tell him but I've told them not to say anything because it'll make everything worse. It is getting me down I only have a few friends and I never see them just chat over messenger or txt. The baby groups I go rarely and he tags along to those too. Thanks for all your replys I didn't know if I was in the wrong because he turns things round so I feel bad like the money thing he says if he give me any money he can't save for a bigger house we are currently renting a 2 bed when we need a 3 really due to space.

So sorry you are shackled to yet another control freak..MN is full of them lately. Your self confidence and self esteem must be at rock bottom, you must feel so trapped in this marriage of yours, you must be desperate to stop just existing and start living. I know I would be.
You have to make a decision. Do you want to spend the rest of your life like this? Can you have a heart to heart with your parents and see if they will support you to leave with the children and strike out on your own? Can you summon up enough will power, energy, confidence to actually make the break before his behaviour is replicated in the way your children treat you?
This is the first step, writing in to MN and asking for advice.
The second step is deciding what you are going to do with that advice. Don't leave it too long or too late. Life really is too short to spend any of it feeling misery and despair.

How does he find the time to go to baby groups? He doesn't trust you there either? You have to give him CB for kids stuff? Fuck that. He is a controlling arse. Listen to the wise heads here and plan your escape.

Does it seem fair to you that you are supposed to be partners and he has all the money? He even dictates exactly how you spend the only money you receive? Bollocks to that! He's not careful with money, he's using it as a weapon, to keep you as his SLAVE. Of course he doesn't want you to have a job. He's restricting your money, your movements and even your friendships. It isn't 'sweet' that he attends baby groups. It's so he can monitor your contact with people. He's defining the perameters of your cell. Break free, my lovely.