With someone religious

[whistlingtea]

I mentioned this before but was taking over the op thread and maybe need some advice.

My DP is a very committed Christian and although I also believe of course I am not as devout as he is.

I was brought up within the church although neither of my parents believed but I stopped going when I was about 14 and a few years after that I went a bit off the rails and did lots of bad things. Then calmed down.

I want to be a different person to then. But I feel like my past defines me and holds me back. And should I tell DP any of this?

I had a secret. Our marriage prep had a moment when they asked you to tell your partner anything you hadn't been open about. They thought that lots of people had secrets and that it was best to tell your partner so there was nothing coming between you.

I told him. It was no big issue.

And if Christ can forgive your past then surely your husband can?

We're the other way around, I have strong faith although I don't attend church (many reasons) and DP is a committed atheist. I respect his beliefs and don't belittle them and he does the same with me.

Yeah - but Christ doesn't want to marry me!

Recently there was a post about an op finding out her dp was a serious drug abuser in his youth and she never knew. They were together years and she was floored finding out now. If there is one big issue l would tell him as it's always going to stand between ye. If it's just that you had a wilder youth l would just drop it into the conversation here and there. Remember from a Christian point of view all sin is equal so gossiping or anger are as bad as the " big issues" so he is bound to have stuff himself so in no place to judge.

What are you actually asking, OP? Because you've given pretty unhelpful responses to the replies you've had so far.

Definitely couldn't tell him, I think it'd be a relationship ender.

Were you hoping that people would tell you that what he didn't know wouldn't hurt him? Because that's a pretty shitty way to live, isn't it?

Everyone has the right to know the person they are really in a relationship with. There are things I did when younger that weren't terrible but they would certainly be dealbreakers for some people. I would never keep them a secret because I would respect whoever I was in a relationship with enough to let them make that decision for himself.

I don't know why you're jumping down my throat to be honest. I was wondering about my relationship in 'relationships'.

When I was young I lost family. I had an abortion. I stole sometimes and lied. Because I was very lonely.

Some people seem to think I should tell him, I don't know that it's relevant to who I am today and so I really don't want to. It would finish my relationship and I really don't want that to happen.

I wondered if anyone else with a partner to whom religion mattered could offer any insight.

I have a friend married to a guy who used to be a drug dealer and has done time, another's husband was a homeless alcoholic, several more people's husbands are estranged from exes due to drug use and violence.

God can change us all. He has already forgiven your past but It really does read as if you haven't forgiven yourself.

You say you don't feel guilty but this is obviously on your mind and you admit you are struggling to move past it.

If you want to go into your marriage in the strongest possible way then tell him. The devil can use secrets to divide a marriage. Let him have the chance to really know you and all the crap you went through to get here. It's part of you so don't be ashamed of it. You deserve someone who will love you despite all you've done.

My friends all love their husbands and they all knew about their pasts. These men I know are amazing and strong men. They have been shaped and formed by their past and they treat their wives with nothing but love and respect. People can change and can learn from their mistakes. The problems arise when they don't want to.

If he can't accept your past then he can't accept you as a person.

I wouldn't want to be with someone who couldn't cope with my life experiences. Who would dump me just for being me. Someone I had to keep things hidden in order for them to stay with me.

It's not a strong basis for a relationship.

And ime truth will always out.

Of course he may not react how you think he might.

It's your choice. I would want to know but no one can force you to tell.

Just be aware though that An abortion will have changed you if you think so or not.

It will also likely be on your medical records and you would be asked if you have been pregnant before if you get pregnant again.

You may also find that if you get pregnant again it brings back floods of memories you didn't expect.

There may be no one else to tell but if you want kids you won't be able to avoid thinking about it.

Xpost - if you really think he couldn't cope with an abortion (is he Catholic?), lying and stealing then he's not worth your time.

Are you putting him on a pedestal of virtue or do you know him to be narrow and judgemental?

whistling no one has jumped down your throat, but your posts were very ambiguous.

I had an abortion many years ago. No one in my current life knows. I'm not ashamed of it, but it's my personal and private business.

If I met a man who expressed no strong feelings against it, I wouldn't say anything. It's not relevant and it's MY story, no one elses. However, if I knew it was a dealbreaker to someone I was with, I would tell them. I couldn't not.

But then, I would be with someone if I knew it was a dealbreaker to them anyway. No man has the right to judge what a woman does with her own body.

I think religion is a bit of a red herring, tbh. It doesn't matter what the reasons for a person's strongly held beliefs, if they have them, then they have them.

Just be aware though that An abortion will have changed you if you think so or not.

Erm...

if you want kids you won't be able to avoid thinking about it.

Also not true.

I don't think it's appropriate to tell the OP that she will definitely experience things when you have no idea if this is the case or not.

I don't think it's changed me and it's not on my medical records

whistling you might need to give more detailed responses for people to respond to so that you get meaningful and helpful responses.

It's hard to advise when you don't know where you are.

But I think that if you are hoping someone will tell you to just keep it from him, I don't think it's going to happen.

It's hard really isn't it because people say 'well what did you want when you started the thread!' and I just don't know. I didn't start the thread with aims, objectives and expected outcomes. I was just thinking out loud I suppose.

But basically my choices are - tell him that I used to be a selfish nasty shit and lose him. Or don't.

But basically my choices are - tell him that I used to be a selfish nasty shit and lose him. Or don't.

But that's not what you were, is it?

You are a person. A person who has lived a life. A person who has survived. A person who is brave. A person who is strong. A person who is flawed. A person who is perfectly imperfect. A person who has had to make tough choices in hard times.

If he can't accept the authentic and true person that you are, then he doesn't deserve you. If his love for you isn't strong enough for him to accept the real you. If his 'principles' and the image he holds of you are more important to him than the reality of the person he (thinks he) wants to share his life with, then he isn't the man you should be travelling through your life with.

I wouldn't advise not telling him for the simple reason that I would always be thinking, "but you don't know the real me". I would find that impossible to live with.

Do you want to be more devout, but believe your past is holding you back?

Or are you happy with your level of involvement, but you are afraid to tell him, because of what his reaction might be?

If the first, then I suggest speaking to the vicar, or someone in the church, to work through that.

If the second, then religion makes no difference. If he would judge you, and hold your past against you, then perhaps he's not such a great husband for you. (Although, he may need some time to process what you tell him, which would be fair enough.)

As to whether you feel you should tell him, I personally don't there has to be no secrets between a married couple. I think sometimes it can be useful to tell a partner about certain things from your past, though, because they have helped to shape the person you are now.

Maybe your DH is someone who believes there should be no secrets between a married couple, though, in which case he would feel you have betrayed him. Which I guess is a risk you would take, in telling him, now.

The thing is, marriage, particularly within the context of a religious ceremony, is supposed to be forever. Can you, and do you want to, keep this secret from him "til death do us part"?

I can't work out if this is insecurity fearing that your partner couldn't accept perfectly ordinary facts about you; or that he is genuinely narrow and judgemental to the point that he would cast you out for minor 'sins'.

Do you know for a fact that he would have a problem with your past?

If you don't give us more information to go on, it's difficult to help you.

Why do you think he would not be able to come to terms with the things you've done in the past? If he's a very judgemental type, how would he deal with you doing something he disagreed with now, never mind years before you met him?

We cannot time travel. We don't have time machines to go back and change the past. We only have now. To elaborate, we don't even have the future.

I remember when Sunday trading was introduced in the early 1990's and all the locals were saying to the vicar how they thought it was bad, not ethical and against the church. I think they were saying that to agree with the masses, fearful of change. His lone voice was disagreement. He said God created the world and opportunity for people to live their lives and supported it as just more of this life stuff that we have.

My partner is religious. Her church is very forward, modern and inclusive. Her past would blow the socks of even the hardest.

Does it make her less of a person.

No, of course not. Good religion harbours acceptance. Good relationships do also.

But absolutely not necessary to say anything you don't want too. You have your own heart, mind and soul. It's always totally up to you what you want to say or share. If you are religious - and I am not - then don't forget your God knows too and he has already accepted you as you are.

Just roll it up, into a small ball, and let it wither away.

But to answer your question. Why do you need to tell him. Forget about it. Move on. Live your life the way you want to now.

I think that given the way you describe yourself OP you haven't forgiven yourself and are judging yourself harshly.
As a Christian I accept that we are all at different points on our spiritual journey with all the experiences, joys and hardships having formed the people we are today.
Your experiences have formed the woman your partner has fallen in love with so I would dearly hope that he would show you true compassion, love and understanding...as Christ would do.
Whether you tell your partner or not I do hope you find a way to make peace with your past.