In turmoil! Am I in love with another man? Please HELP!!!!

[unhappymummy]

Hi to you all,

I'm sorry this is going to be a bit long winded but I really need to get this all off my chest as I have no one to confide in about it.

Basically I've been with my Husband for 7 years and married for 2. We have 2 kids (ages 4 and 2). There has been virtually no sex in our relationship for over 3 years due to my lack of sex drive which I thought was due to a traumatic caesarian. We have been to Relate for counselling but nothing seemed to work. We have been staying together mainly for the kids and because it seems so daunting to seperate. We get on pretty well although there are times when we seem to hate each other and do nothing but argue! I know that hubby's only problem in our marriage is lack of sex and he loves me lots but can't see any way forward without it.

The main problem that I have is that I now have feelings for another man whom I hardly know.I feel like I'm in love with him - which surely must be impossible if I don't know him??!)- and desperately want to tell him how I feel. However I don't even know if he's attached! I have felt this way since I first met him nearly a year ago and I can't get him out of my head. I feel like I have a schoolgirl crush and have tried to tell myself that it's stupid but I have never felt this way about anyone before.

I know that I'm not being true to myself or hubby by staying with him if I don't love him anymore but the kids adore him, he's a great Dad and it would tear me apart to break up their family home.

What can I do? Am feeling seriously down about it all, any advice greatly appreciated!

Thanks.

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you are not in love with ths man, you are in love with the idea of a new and exciting life with an adrenaline rush you get from those first heady days of a relationship

try and remember the times when you felt about your dh like this and try to turn it around

drag yourself up and make an effort, get your head out of the clouds and be a grown up

what did your Dad say, Cod? Was he pissed when he said it?!!

Fantasise about the guy by all means, it might even help you with your situation with DH. But you're not in love. You don't know the guy. It's a crush

You are just tempted to look elsewhere for what you are not getting from your own relatiionship. It is not love. Enjoy the day dreams, but use those feelings you are getting on your DH. Like cod says it just proves you are alive.

Snap BOo

No, you have a crush and a lot to lose. As cod said, just don't act out on it as it isn't real. If you are thinking of taking it further, just get it straight in your mind how you will explain mummy and daddy living in different houses and then see how you feel.

Sorry to be so harsh.

Thanks for your messages. I guess I knew deep down what your responses would be as I've been telling myself the same things. However hubby and I got together v quickly and moved away from our friends and family together within a month of going out. We were still in the honeymoon period and it quickly wore off. It's like living with a friend who I love but am not in love with. Even if I didn't know this other man I still think that our relationship would be in trouble.
I know that telling my kids that we're splitting up would devastate them but should I stay with someone I don't love for their sake? Would they thank me for it in the long term? Is it fair to hubby to be with him if I'm not in love with him?

You have to answer those questions in your own time and for the right reasons, they are not the justification for some sort of an affair.

which came first - the realisation you werent in love with dh or the crush on this other man? i think its relevant

Nailpolish, the realisation that I wasn't in love with my husband came first. In fact if I'm totally honest I don't think we should have got married at all as we were already having problems then and had a huge row about it all the night before

Beansprout, I don't want an affair - I would not be unfaithful like that, deceit is not in me. I don't know really what I do want from this man, just to get to know him better would be great but I wouldn't even know how to approach the matter with him!

Oh dear what a pickle!
At the end of the day this decision lies with you, you and you alone can do what YOU feel is right.
I personally don't believe that staying in a relationship for the 'childrens sake' is wise at all. I strongly believe that, whilst your kids must always come first, it doesn't mean you should be made to feel as if you HAVE to stay in this relationship if your not happy. Realistically looking at it, your youngest is 2? So can you imagine another 16 years of being in this marriage until your youngest is ready to 'fly the nest' as some would say? Would you be happy doing and accepting this for your 'childrens sake'?
If you think that it would make you unhappy to do so, i would personally not be staying. As i said before, your children always come first but this DOES NOT mean you have to accept a meal ticket into an unhappy marriage that you feel isn't working and will only get worse over the years. Cause at the end of the day your kids may end up being damaged because their parents aren't getting along as they stayed together. I have known people in similar situations and those that stay, well it's not always for the best. This is only my view on it though, you may harbour your own opinion on it. As for the other man, well who's to say it's just a crush? We don't know the complexity of the relationship. It may, or may not be something. Only time will tell. But i would try and sort out your home life and what you plan to do in that area before starting anything else
Good luck, we are all about if you need to chat!

are youresponding to feelings you think youshould have can you and h goout and date each other again leaving all the day to day gripes at home

"Its like living with a friend whom I love but am not in love with" Surely thats most long term relationships. Or am I just jaded?

If you don't know him, it's obviously a crush.

And, like oxocube, I think it's normal for people to no longer be 'in love' with their husbands. Certainly I can't imagine being all 'ooooh he looked at me ' at DH any more, it would be rather impractical, for one thing.

Thanks Lwatkins, much appreciated, and obviously to you all. I do know this man a little bit and see him from time to time. I would love to tell you about it but I think you will all think I 'm mad!! I agree that I really need to sort out homelife first although sometimes I think something needs to happen to give one a shove in the right direction if you know what I mean!! Otherwise it seems easy to carry on being unhappy. I am also well aware that long term relationships are not all hearts and flowers but I really have no feelings for hubby apart from him being father to my kids. As I already said sometimes I almost feel that we hate each other and I don't want my life to be like that for the next however many years until the kids leave home.